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You could also try the positive parenting approach. It puts the decision in their hands, but with consequences. Like saying. Okay it is your choice, you can either pick up your toys or I can pick them up and I will keep them in my box and stored away. Give him a choice but let him know that if he chooses not to do as you ask he is also choosing the consequences. And make sure you FOLLOW THROUGH! Otherwise you will lose all credibility and you will have more trouble.
After I posted this morning, it occurred to me that I had left out the "trash bag" approach. Today my kids got tired before they were finished and asked if they could stop. I said, "I'll finish, but I'll put everything in my trash bag". That works every time--they finished cleaning. The reason it works is the first time I told them that any toys left out would be put in trash bags, they didn't clean up. I bagged up three bags of toys and hid them in my walk-in closet. They thought the toys were thrown away. A week later (after keeping it clean for a week), I began returning toys one at a time. Now, I only have to say the words "trash bag". They must not remember me returning the toys, because they are always so scared that I'll throw out the toys.
Thanks for the replies. It is good to know while completely unacceptable, others have gone or are dealing with their own challenges with their toddler boys.
As for the "terrible twos" or "terrible threes", I've tried not to give into that philosophy. B/c once that stage ends, there is another one to knock a parent off their feet behind it
I have seriously considered taking away his toys. I am just concerned that it is too extreme of a punishment for a soon to be 3yr old (3 in Nov) & that he won't get it.
I don't want to be "nicey nice" mommy. It's also just not in my personality I enjoy my son, I enjoy spending time with him, but I also don't allow very much. I make sure he gets acclamation, hugs, kisses & praise.
I may be trying taking the toys away & seeing what occurs the next time he decides to act a way that is not acceptable in our home. And I will be consistent with it. I have no problems taking away his toys, I was just wondering if the age would be the issue.
Again, just thanks.
There is a reason people call them terrible twos and it is very real. Honestly, with a 2 year old it is no, no, no and with a 3 year old it is NOOOOOOOOOO. I will take a 2 year old over a 3 year old any day. 5 is a GREAT age .
There is a developmental issue going on with 3 year olds and it isn't a 'stage'. It is very real. They want to be more independent but they just don't know how yet. Taking away toys is very effective and kids DO understand that. Sorry, your son senses your weakness and he is ALWAYS going to win of you don't toughen up some.
No one LIKES to say no to their kids but do you really want a 3 year old running your house. When my kids acted like that I gave them a choice. Choices made them feel like they had some control. The trick is to give them two choices YOU could live with. In the not picking up toys situation the choices would be "you can pick up your toys now like I asked or I will pick them up and then they are my toys". Or usually in our house it was "you can pick up your toys like I asked or you can go sit in your room".
Giving 3 year olds choices for a variety of things really helps the defiant behavior. Have 2 outfits ready in the morning and ask "do you want to wear the blue outfit or the red outfit". "Do you want toast or cereal for breakfast". To your child it seems like they have some control of their lives and it is a great way for them to practice making good choices.
Very strong willed, very spirited, very loving & very smart. Also a serious people pleasure: "Mommy, I cleaned up. Are you happy now?" "Daddy, I'm sorry. Are you happy now?". Those sort of comments.
Need suggestions..really good workable suggestions...on how to handle when one's child says "no" when a request has been given...such as "Time to clean up the toys". And the response is "No." And, again, "It is time to clean up the toys." And with a poker face like no other he says "No." And he stands there & will not do it. I take his hand and start helping him put the toys away. Pulls his hand away & just stares at me. He is also starting to act up at meal time telling me that he does not want to eat lunch or dinner, puts his arms across his chest & stares straight ahead. When I inform him that it is time for lunch or dinner and he will eat, he smashes the food with his hands.
Now, this behavior is not every day, all day or every meal. It is frequent, though and I am getting frustrated.
We are in a Mommy & Me class for the preschool he will be attending & he does very well interacting with others & following directions. At the park & libraryhe interacts with his peers, shares, and puts things away when I tell him that it is time to go. When he plays with kids in the neighborhood, he gives them hugs when he sees them & when he leaves. The defiant behavior is primarily at home & primarily when my dh is at work.
I love my children to pieces. I cherish what I have in my life. But I will not tolerate certain forms of defiance.
The only reason I am even sharing is that I really am at wits end right now. My dh & I are on the same page in terms of raising our children. While we want them to feel loved, safe, secure, and happy...we also have rules which are to be followed.
Am I asking to much of my son? Is there something else I can be saying or doing in order for him to comprehend that when a parent asks him to do something, he does it?
My #2 is almost 9 months & the other end of the spectrum.
I just want to be a good mom & raise a good child. Sometimes, I think I am doing it all backwards.
Thanks in advance.
If he's good around everyone else, you are allowing him to get over on you. Sounds like you're afraid if you put your foot down, he might not like you. Stop trying to be his best buddy, you're a parent. If you can't teach him right from wrong now, it will be much harder as he gets older and becomes more defiant.
Man, I read the posts, and I guess that I am a meaner mommy than those that posted!
I ask once, maybe twice. I only got it that one time- never ever have I been told no since then and I have two boys- one is 13 and one is 8. I don't even remember what I got the no for.
But, I know me. If my child told me that he wouldn't pick up HIS toys and HIS mess, I don't have time to be nicey nice- they shouldn't be telling me no to begin with (that's just my opinion), and I know that I would have said "fine then. If you are choosing not to pick up your toys, and I have to do it, they will go right into the trash". And if he thinks I am full of crap, like a lot of children do, I would prove him wrong and throw out his toys. I guarantee that will be the last time you get a no on that
Maybe that was what my no was for. It seems familiar. Perhaps that's why when I tell them to clean their room- it gets cleaned, and I never get a no.
Honestly, while my children are of course brats at time, and do things they shouldn't do, or give attitude, they are never defiant.
I hope they haven't saved all of their defiance for their teen years...
I hope they haven't saved all of their defiance for their teen years...
I sure hope so too. Now, I hope that I don't come across as that super strict mommy whose children have to ask permission before they sneeze. I pick my battles, and have to work on my husband learning to pick battles too. For example, my 8 year old son has curly hair. He wanted to grow it out. It was starting to become...I guess like one of the Jonas Brothers boys- the curly haired mop. See picture below, it's of the boy with the curly hair and the striped tie. My in-laws hated it, sister-in-law hated it, and some of the teachers at my school (he goes to the school I teach at). They kept telling me to be the mother, and get it cut. I didn't. That was not a battle I wanted to pick. I need to work on his behavior, his grades...and honestly, is his hair growth going to affect anything? No.
I think telling a parent no is being defiant. Asking if you cannot do something, trying to give a reason not to do some, is different. Maybe you will change my mind. But telling me outright no, is not going to fly. And I gave him a choice. Pick up your mess or have me throw it out. That's a choice.
Before, I had tried the "put it a box" thing. It didn't matter to him because he knew then, at some point, even if it was a million years from now, he'd get it back. But once it went bye bye in the trash, and the garbage men picked it up and there was no way he'd get it back, that's when he cared
I taught my kids young and repeatedly that they are not allowed to say "no" to me, unless it's in response to a question. I have also taught them that there are natural consequences to saying no to me when I do make a request.
For instance, if I say "Go pick up your dirty clothes"... not allowed to say no. This is punished as it is disrespectful and disobedient.
If I ask, "Will you please take out the trash in the bathrooms?"... They can say no, but then when a later request is made - such as "Can we go/can we have <insert something they want>"? I will respond, "No, I'm too tired because no one helped me clean today." or "No, I asked for you to do something for me earlier and since you didn't want to help me then, I don't want to do something nice for you now."
There are times that "no" is the appropriate response, such as when asked if they've had a good day, if they want a certain snack or if they want to do something specific. Mine are 6 and 8 and are not confused about when it's appropriate or not, but they still occassionally get mouthy.
Natural and/or expected consequences work best here.
I sure hope so too. Now, I hope that I don't come across as that super strict mommy whose children have to ask permission before they sneeze. I pick my battles, and have to work on my husband learning to pick battles too. For example, my 8 year old son has curly hair. He wanted to grow it out. It was starting to become...I guess like one of the Jonas Brothers boys- the curly haired mop. See picture below, it's of the boy with the curly hair and the striped tie. My in-laws hated it, sister-in-law hated it, and some of the teachers at my school (he goes to the school I teach at). They kept telling me to be the mother, and get it cut. I didn't. That was not a battle I wanted to pick. I need to work on his behavior, his grades...and honestly, is his hair growth going to affect anything? No.
I think telling a parent no is being defiant. Asking if you cannot do something, trying to give a reason not to do some, is different. Maybe you will change my mind. But telling me outright no, is not going to fly. And I gave him a choice. Pick up your mess or have me throw it out. That's a choice.
Before, I had tried the "put it a box" thing. It didn't matter to him because he knew then, at some point, even if it was a million years from now, he'd get it back. But once it went bye bye in the trash, and the garbage men picked it up and there was no way he'd get it back, that's when he cared
You've convinced me Mrs.Bewitched. You sound like a great mom to me. Rep coming.
I have young children as well as work with young children. Personally timeout does nothing because most times they are put in there for too long & they forget why it is they are there especially at such a young age. If using time out explain to the child why they are being put in time out & remember 1minute to every 1yr rule so if they are 2 then 2 minutes in timeout then before they are removed from time out ask them why they were put there & get them to apologize for what they have done so they know what they are being punished for.
Try using a positive approach rather then a negative approach. Children respond to praise more then they respond to negative responses. If you see him cleaning up without being asked make a huge deal out of it e.g. WOW Timmy you done an excellent job cleaning up & mommy didn't even have to ask you well done. Then give them a hug, kiss or hi5. Try & tell them what they should be doing rather then what they shouldn't be doing. Timmy our toys belong in our toy box not on the floor. Enforce rules they understand why their toys shouldn't be left on the floor. What will happen if we leave our toys on the floor? They will be broken or we may trip over them or stand on them & hurt ourselves. As someone else said make it in to a game. Bet you can't pick up more toys then mommy (this works wonders with my kids) even meal times. Bet you can't beat mommy eating your dinner. Make it whoever eats their dinner the quickest gets to choose desert if you have desert. Talk at meal times about the food you are eating. Did you know that if you eat carrots they help you to see in the dark that's why rabbits love carrots. Did you know if you eat spinach you will grow big strong muscles like daddy. If you eat your cheese it makes your bones & teeth strong & healthy. You will be surprised how well they respond to things like that at that age.
It may even help if you look for books that teach them morals & sit down read them. You will be surprised how many are out there that teach them about sharing, eating properly, using manners, looking after our belongings etc. These are good bonding times as well as great for their language skills.
Another idea with meal times is have simple meals on the days when daddy is at work that little Timmy can help with. Even if it is a simple salad & you cut the salad & little Timmy puts the ingredients in the bowl. They will have a sense of achieving something & while eating it make sure you tell daddy how Timmy was a big boy today & helped make dinner. They may be more inclined to eat something they have helped prepare. Have him set the table or make a table decoration that can be talked about at meal times. There are also lots of kids cookbooks on the market with healthy nutritious meals for the family that are easy to prepare or attractively presented to make children want to eat them.
Basically there are ways to get children to co-operate without being a big meanie. Sure there will be times when they really push your buttons but I find the holding the child's hand & ignoring them & their behavior option works best because that seems to make them more aware that they have done the wrong thing then sitting on a chair or in a corner they can leave at anytime. As you are holding their hand continue about your regular duties. If you were vacuuming the floor for example continue to vacuum the floor with one hand while holding the child's with the other. Let them kick, cry, scream or whatever. After a few minutes simply say that while they continue to do that they will continue to hold your hand if they stop then they can go in a few minutes then go back to ignoring them. You will be surprised at how quickly they stop. Again before they go back to playing or whatever talk to them about what they did wrong & reinforce that if they do that again then they will need to hold mommy's hand again.
Just some ideas that I put in to practice at work & at home with my own children & even friends children & it seems to work at home because you are bringing home what they are basically learning at daycare or preschool.
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