Recovery Of A Difficult Sitution (sitter, teens, baby, support)

[Senator]

Recntly my oldest son whom is 11, was "too" involved with an older "role-model". We realized that the situaton was not correct and as diplomaticaly as possible ended their relationship. While we are as of yet not seeking proffesional help, my husband and I are slowly trying to figure out if anything wrong transpired, and how best to then deal with the situation.

My son, the oldest of 5, has completely clammed up, yet seems to be droping vague clues that perhaps something was not correct. What to do?

If there are any parents willing to lend some "real-life" know how to our crisis, please offer your suggestions.

[dncngrl1964]

Seek counseling by not saying anything he is screaming for help
let him know that you dont blame him for anything and by no means are you disappointed in him
Good luck I pray for you all

[june 7th]

I agree that counselling for your son might certainly be in order...Iin the meantime, however, you could always consult with a therapist or social worker about what has gone on and ask them for more specific advice. They could also be a good resource in terms of helping you and your husband cope, along with suggestions as to how to approach your son in such a way that he can feel safe in opening up to you. I would definately try and get him into some sort of therapeutic situation, however...

[Pixie Dust]

Originally Posted by Rache

Recntly my oldest son whom is 11, was "too" involved with an older "role-model". We realized that the situaton was not correct and as diplomaticaly as possible ended their relationship. While we are as of yet not seeking proffesional help, my husband and I are slowly trying to figure out if anything wrong transpired, and how best to then deal with the situation.

My son, the oldest of 5, has completely clammed up, yet seems to be droping vague clues that perhaps something was not correct. What to do?

If there are any parents willing to lend some "real-life" know how to our crisis, please offer your suggestions.

Im sorry but I guess I need more... how much older was the role model?? How much time time did they spend together?? Supervised?? How long did it go on?? What has your younger son said that would make you question something wrong?? Was the older person same sex??

If you are concerned which it seems you are I would make an appiontment to speak with a psychologist. Good luck; it is hard raising children now a days but is possible with the appropriate support system. Your family will be in my prayers.

Also, if you think perhaps something sexual could've happened I would not be too diplomatic. There are laws to protect children even from other older children.

[Senator]

Thank you!

The situation is sensitive. That is the reason why I am hoping for annymous tips!

Here are a few details.

The older role-model is a 19 year-old, second cousin. Her family lives nearby.
She was my son's baby-sitter since he was about five, until she left for college two years ago. She would also pop over from time to time just to say hi, or to help my oldest, or his brothers with homework.
When she came home during this time, she would come to visit, and many a time take my son out for a good time. This must have happened about ten or more times during the last two years.
Recently however she took him out for a prolonged period of time (Sunday 2-9pm). Of course I was not concerned the first time. He seemed happy abolut it, and I considered it his treat. They had gone bowling, food, movie at the mall.
After that "excursion" however, he sought of began a slight personality change. He became very guarded and resented any physical affection. Suddenly. And he is a very warm bright boy.
A friend of my son's mother (who happens to be friends with me as well) told me in a conversation that my son told her son that he recently had an "experience" with an older girl! My friend wanted to know why my son would make up such a story. At the time I did not put one and one together! We decided to let the matter go.
The last time he went out with her, they were out for almost 10 hours (till almost 11pm!) I also was nervous this time. I had like a funny feeling dawning on me that something was not correct.
When my son came home, his cousin did not come in with him as she usually does. He seemed very out of sorts, and tried avoiding any conversation regarding this trip. Given he was tired - yet he seemed on extra high alert - guard. if you catch my drift.
My husband took off time to drive him to school through-out the next week, trying subtly to draw out any information - yet my 6 grader can be stubborn, and did not get drawn in.
What really caused my tremendous anguish was that his clothing - all of it - smelled like perfume. This I noticed when I did his laundry.
We are trying to keep the peace all around at this point, and do not want to "force" the issue as of yet. We are trying to limit his hurt - if their is any by not "snowballing" the issue.
If you can give me suggestions how to try on my own to open up my son, please post. Thank You.

[irishmom]

Find a very compassionate male therapist and bring your son in. Also it may be a good thing to talk to some other family members for information about the cousin, she may have been abused as a child as well, which would make it more likely for her to do the same later on. It's a very sad situation, that you are right needs to be handled delicately. But if you can't get him to open up to you, then you need to give him someone he can open up to. Speaking to a trained professional gives you peace of mind that he is being handled correctly and will give him a safe place to talk. I wouldn't wait on it, if he doesn't get this out and dealt with you could be headed toward bigger problems in the future. I'll send up good thoughts for you and your son.

[sapphire]

This is so sad! I am so sorry for you and your family, especially your son. It reminds me of all of the recent publicity with the female teachers having sex with their young male students. I know there is a mixed bag of reaction--a lot of men, unfortunately, wish it had happened to them when they were younger; women are usually horrified--but the truth is it's devastating to these boys. I think you should definitely pursue the truth about your son--let him know you are there to protect him--and unfortunately if anything did happen (which by your description leads me to think something did) then this young woman has some problems. She may even end up in jail. But that is really neither here nor there when it comes to the well-being of your son. I'm sorry if she WAS abused or something horrible happened to cause her to act out, but I don't believe that is your responsibility--your son is. I will pray for you and your family, and even the girl, and I hope she is not entering the education field, or anywhere that she will be exposed to children.

[jhlcomp]

Yes, seek out a therapist, but go directly to the cousin and talk with her. Make sure your son doesn't know. And don't let them out together again.

[bluewatergirl]

Tough situation!
Your son's personality/behavior changes could certainly
be indicators of inner conflict related to some type of sexual abuse;
add that to the fact that he made a vague reference to a friend
(and kudos to that friend for telling his Mom!) about an
"experience" with an older girl, and I think you are right to be
worried.
Have you or your husband had a talk with your son about
"improper touching" in the course of talking with him about
body changes, sex etc.?
I found a great sex-ed book (It's Perfectly Normal by
Robie Harris) for my 10-yr-old daughter that has a chapter
that, IMO, deals with sexual abuse in a way I found to be both
very straighforward and kid-friendly. Basically, it re-iterates
what it is, that it's always wrong, the fact that
more often it's a friend or family member - not a stranger - who
is the perpetrator, that it's NEVER the victim's fault - no matter what,
and that it's normal to have horrible, conflicting feelings, especially
if the abuse began in a way that, physically, felt good, loving
and gentle . . . it's still abuse.
It's a wicked hard thing to talk about, but it sounds like in your
son's case you really need to get the dialogue going . . .
even if you find out in the end that nothing happened, you're
much better off with the subject out in the open.
Irishmom gave excellent advice about seeking professional help.
Whatever you do, let your son know you trust and believe in
him, and LOVE HIM NO MATTER WHAT.
Don't just "let it go" hoping the passage of time will make things
better.
The statistics about the number of children/teens/young adults
who will experience some type of abuse or molestation in their
lifetimes are alarming.
I do, as well, speak from experience:
When I was 16, I was molested by a tailor who was measuring
me for a shirt he was sewing for me.
He came into the fitting room behind me and grabbed my breasts.
I was pretty traumatized.
I went from there to my Dad's office to tell him.
Unfortunately, I was made to question myself when asked
"Are you sure?" and Dad suggested that perhaps, in the
course of measuring, the guy had accidentally "brushed"
against me . . . .
I felt so violated and then doubly crushed by my parents
"let's not make a big deal out of it attitude" that I never
brought up the subject again until nearly 20 years later
when my husband and I were having a heart to heart talk.
BEST of luck to you and your family.

[jco]

I just wanted to point out that it may not have been the cousin that the incident took place with. It could have been one of her friends. Don't let it go. He's begging for help right now. I would just warn against sending him off to a counselor, and expecting the couselor to fix the situation. You're his mom. You need to be there every single step of the way. Obviously, he may need professional help, but please just don't abandon him. I don't think you would, as you sound like you're very concerned.