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I understand the desire. In my mid 40's I suddenly started wishing I could have another child but my marriagie and my body had other plans. In the end I'm glad it worked out this way. My adult children are all I really need
Have you considered adopting an older child around 5 or so? That would be great.
I am pretty much in the same boat at the origninal poster/question . I have come to terms it may be best to adopt a little older child under the age of 6 . However , since we decided to do so I have been searching and it seems that most children (posted online) in some sort of agency or what not , are over the age of 8 and there are tons of teenagers needing adoptive parents . I am interested in giving a loving home to a younger child rather than a teen . Lost on where to start . Where does a couple in their 40's look ?
Other than the various data in other threads about this topic, there is one thing I haven't seen brought up, that you might want to consider (or not - depends on your personal lifestyle).
Let's just assume you go ahead and have your baby. By that time you'll probably be 46. When you're 56, he'll be 10. When you're 60, he'll be 14.
So now you're 60, and ready to retire. Your son isn't in High School yet. You will not be -allowed- to move to an active adult community, if that was what you had hoped for. There are some awesome retirement communities, where kids are allowed to visit, but they are not allowed to live.
So you'd have to rule out that option entirely, until your child is settled as an adult capable of living away from home on a permanent basis. Of course this is true for anyone with kids. But the older you are, the sooner you're going to want to retire. And if your child isn't old enough to move out of the home, then you eliminate that option.
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Originally Posted by Sunnyskies10
Thank you. You all brought up some great points. I have thought a lot about it. Part of it is that I am re-married and my husband has never had a child, though he has never pushed it on me either. In fact, when we got married 9 years ago that was not even part of the deal. Yes, being 60 when my child is 14 or 15....hmmmmm...believe me I have thought of all of the things you are all mentioning. No, I don't want it to be out of selfishness ever. Deep thoughts right now going through my head. Thank you guys!
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Originally Posted by Zimbochick
I was a bit younger than you when I had my children, I had my youngest at 40. I think if you are fit and healthy, and have a good support system there is no reason not to.
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Originally Posted by L.K.
Oh Please, as someone else mentioned, we all age at different rates and have different life situations. I had all my kids after 40 without medical intervention. All are healthy. I had them at 40, 43 and 47. So, I'll actually be 65 when my youngest graduates from high school. So what? It's all about who you are, what you do to take care of yourself.
On the other hand, this was my first experience having my kids, so it's alittle different than having a 20 year old and then starting over. I also was able to get pregnant on my own and did not have genetic problems.
Life situations, energy level, being "fit", etc. has nothing to do with producing a healthy baby, although certain habits might. A woman is born with all the eggs she will ever have have in her life time (men produce new sperm daily). Roughly 375 will develop into viable eggs, but the point is that these eggs basically sit in wait. To put it simply, an egg at 45 years of age is not as "fresh" as an egg at 16 years of age. The possibility of producing a baby that may be born with a gene mutation grows exponentially with age. After 40, it is somewhere around 1 in 100 babies will have some sort of mutation at the genetic level.
Now, keep in mind that by mutation I am not talking about physical deformities, but in things such as Downs Syndrome, sickle cell anemia, etc. They may not be visible at birth, but can emerge later in life. Here in Massachusetts, babies born to women over the age of 35 get placed into a special file because of the higher risk that these children could pose on the health industry.
Many women over 40 have healthy babies, and I am not trying to scare anyone off. Just keep in mind that the chances of your offspring developing some sort of medical issue grows higher as you age.
As for the age thing in regards to "being 60 when your kid graduates from high school.." I have a friend from college who was born when her father was in his fifties. Not sure how old her mother was, but she was at least in her 40s. She turned out fine, and her parents age never seemed to be an issue.
If I had no other children, possibly. My main reason for never having kids at that age is bc I would be afraid I would not live long enough to see them get to be adults.
Thanks to everyone for this thread. My girlfriend is 43 and she wants to have a baby more than anything in the world...and I'm not entirely sure I want one - but feeling massive pressure to make her dream come true. Lots of food for thought here!
Thanks to everyone for this thread. My girlfriend is 43 and she wants to have a baby more than anything in the world...and I'm not entirely sure I want one - but feeling massive pressure to make her dream come true. Lots of food for thought here!
You both have to be ready to make it work. not one conceding to the other.
My wife and I just recently had a baby at ages 40 and 41. It took us 10 years to finally get on the same page about having kid(s).
Also not trying to scare you. but health risks and birth defect rates are much higher in women over 35. So consider this as well.
Sorry but you're past your sell by date wrt to breeding and while modern science can work mericles you should be asking yourself if it's fair to the prespective child to have a mother who would be 63-64 when it graduates from high school and up to 68 if s/he gets through college without a hitch. Lastly older mothers tend to have greatly increased risks for just about every birth defect and medical issue under the sun; is that fair to the resulting child (including the much higher risk of life time disabilities for a child you'll be too old to truly mother) just because you're feeling old and don't want to admit your own mortality?
Would you even be able to care for a young teen with special needs when you're 60? What happens to your late life special needs darling when you're 70 but it's only 24-25? Just age gracefully and stop pretending this is even remotely a good idea.
I'll remember to tell my daughter that she can't possibly exist because some random intermaweb poster said that mom couldn't have had a kid at age 45 naturally.
Although the OP is probably long gone, I'll just relate that we had our first child when my wife was 45. She got pregnant in the first month we tried (she was 44 then), and we did nothing other than...well, what one is required to do. ;-) (no, no donor eggs or IVF or anything else). I'm slightly younger than her, which may have helped a tiny bit but is probably very low on the list of factors which contribute to a woman's chance of getting pregnant. Her pregnancy went extremely smoothly, she did require a C-section right at the end, but everything went fine.
Our daughter turned out perfectly healthy and "normal" (well, aside from having half of my genes. :-) ). She's 7 now, doing well in school and all that. Yes, my wife has said that she doesn't have nearly the energy she had at 25 or even 35, but it's not really an issue, and she's much more mature and better capable of handling things than she was when she was younger.
I've heard people quote ludicrously long odds for getting pregnant in one's early to mid 40's. I agree that the odds are longer for conceiving and delivering a healthy child, and that the chances for problems are higher (Downs is the most commonly discussed issue), but from the limited data set of people I know it is hard to believe that they are truly "lottery" odds (simply because I know a LOT more people who had kids "naturally" in their early 40's than I know lottery winners!). However, it doesn't matter that the "overall" percentage is, either one can or one can't, and it's different for everybody.
If the OP is thinking "I just miss my kids, why don't I have another one?", that's probably not the best reason to try. But her husband's on board and they really do want to raise another kid...well, no reason they can't attempt it.
As for "well, what happens when you're 65 and your kids are in college...", well, SO WHAT? It's not like everyone suddenly becomes an invalid at age 60. Average life expectancy for a 45 year old female in the US is to age 84. Retirement & Survivors Benefits: Life Expectancy Calculator Even for a 50 year old male, average life expectancy is to age 81.
Again, everyone's situation is different, and there may be many reasons NOT to try to have a kid at age 45 (and obviously the odds are against it, although how much is an open question), but instantly poo-pooing it as wrong or selfish or impossible is a bunch of hooey.
We could not imagine my parents without kids in the home. We -my two siblings and I -convinced them (after we had all decided) it was time for them to have another addition to the family. Dad and mom loved the idea.
As we had all left home and were on our "own" and independent of financial stresses upon them, my little brother arrived through an uncomplicated and natural birth and brought so much joy into the family we could never imagine it any other way.
Mom was 45 and dad was 48 at the time. Both have passed today and although each of my siblings live on different continents, have remained to be extremely close and never a three day period goes by without being in touch, as well as yearly get-togethers with their families and extended families.
The happiness that my little brother (now 43) has brought each of us has been something we all cherish.
...... The positives that this will bring are far more enjoyable and don't pay too much attention to the naysayers and negatives remarks.
If it feels good, and it's what you want, then go for it.
Although the OP is probably long gone, I'll just relate that we had our first child when my wife was 45. She got pregnant in the first month we tried (she was 44 then), and we did nothing other than...well, what one is required to do. ;-) (no, no donor eggs or IVF or anything else). I'm slightly younger than her, which may have helped a tiny bit but is probably very low on the list of factors which contribute to a woman's chance of getting pregnant. Her pregnancy went extremely smoothly, she did require a C-section right at the end, but everything went fine.
Our daughter turned out perfectly healthy and "normal" (well, aside from having half of my genes. :-) ). She's 7 now, doing well in school and all that. Yes, my wife has said that she doesn't have nearly the energy she had at 25 or even 35, but it's not really an issue, and she's much more mature and better capable of handling things than she was when she was younger.
I've heard people quote ludicrously long odds for getting pregnant in one's early to mid 40's. I agree that the odds are longer for conceiving and delivering a healthy child, and that the chances for problems are higher (Downs is the most commonly discussed issue), but from the limited data set of people I know it is hard to believe that they are truly "lottery" odds (simply because I know a LOT more people who had kids "naturally" in their early 40's than I know lottery winners!). However, it doesn't matter that the "overall" percentage is, either one can or one can't, and it's different for everybody.
If the OP is thinking "I just miss my kids, why don't I have another one?", that's probably not the best reason to try. But her husband's on board and they really do want to raise another kid...well, no reason they can't attempt it.
As for "well, what happens when you're 65 and your kids are in college...", well, SO WHAT? It's not like everyone suddenly becomes an invalid at age 60. Average life expectancy for a 45 year old female in the US is to age 84. Retirement & Survivors Benefits: Life Expectancy Calculator Even for a 50 year old male, average life expectancy is to age 81.
Again, everyone's situation is different, and there may be many reasons NOT to try to have a kid at age 45 (and obviously the odds are against it, although how much is an open question), but instantly poo-pooing it as wrong or selfish or impossible is a bunch of hooey.
You got very lucky not to have a child with Downs syndrome or autism, and I'm really happy for you.
You took your chances and I'm glad it worked out.
But for me, the risks are far too great for me to consider having kids over 40 on purpose.
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same boat
