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What is really invalidating is when their "solutions" are things that are really basic. Something very simple that anyone would know how to do. Like I didn't think of that? Sometimes I'm talking about something on level 6 and the solution giver is somewhere on level 2 telling me do something simple, when you say you know and you tried that already but it's more complicated, they look at you like you have insulted them.
Then there are the "no!" people who just deny whatever you say or tell you something like "that won't happen", when it is something that is factual and is happening.
Talking about the negative parts of life you are just talking about life, telling your reality. I think that should be allowed as well as talking about positive things. It is wrong if you have to lie to people and pretend something isn't happening because they will invalidate, trivialize or deny it, making things even more stressful for you. If it is family it is impossible to deal with because they insist on knowing what is going on, you lie and they find out, you tell the truth and they invalidate or dismiss then blame you if something goes wrong, (why didnt' you tell us it was that bad?)..... Yep ok.
I find this frustrating, the type who will try to talk you out of what you are feeling, or what is expressed, whether it being a mood, depression or even when having a preference about something, another will feel the need to deny that you feel as you do, resist instead of their being sympathetic, empathetic or compassionate. If feeling badly, another may say to "let it go and think about something else", or making a comparison that "there are those worse off", so you should be happy.
Even if not liking how something functions after trying or using a while, finding it doesn't suit you or not adapting to, preferring something else, but being talked out of or spoken down to as if just "being too picky" and difficult, their denying you your feelings or preference. I don't like having it projected to be unreasonable or abnormal when I believe most everyone experiences their own emotions and reactions to preferences or needs at times, possibly having a hard time changing direction or adapting to something.
I know everyone is not so thoughtless or judgemental, having had compatibly understanding friends over the years, but experience this always from a relative, which is difficult, and suppose I shouldn't share things with her. I have felt sympathetic and understanding when others open up about something they are experiencing and wouldn't tell them they "need to put up with" something, "not think about" or "get over it". Maybe some are more adaptable than others and yes, I can be flexible over many things, situations, but will not have the right in this instance to state a feeling or preference regarding something? It will be said "Can't you just..." (continue using something you don't like, doing something or ignore or suppress what you are experiencing?)
I have a neighbor suggesting to "just ignore" loud disruption by the guy living above me while it's disturbing me, yet recall how much HE was upset when his neighbor's wall air conditioner had been rattling, driving him nuts. Now, did I tell him to just "forget about it"? No. Does this mean some just cannot put themselves in another's shoes or realize they can also be on the suffering end? Are some just more empathetic that others? (I am a sensitive person).
Anyway, I know people are not all identical, as I have mentioned at times on CD. I have read articles describing how it is definitely inappropriate for one to do this to another. I doubt most people are like that and I don't know if we could get them to stop, it being a personality problem, also wondering how commonplace this issue may be for others.
I understand the frustration. Personally, I myself do not like the "There are those worse off" statements because it just makes me feel worse for those who are worse off. I rarely if ever told someone to "get over" something. The only time I felt the need to stop someone from going on their rant is when they complained about the same thing day in and day out and it was nothing specific. It was about people being people and how they are doing things.
I had to tell them, "Hey! People are going to people.
Yes...and I know everyone varies in personality, but funny how some will expect one to do as they do, be just like them or refer to others doing or feeling something that YOU should be able to do, also. Just since they do something a certain way, it must be best for anyone else to do the same, think the same.
I cannot express myself to the person mentioned without what I say being denied, questioned, countered, opposed, disagreed with...even over the simplest things.. every interaction: "That doesn't happen for me", "I never go through that", "Mine isn't like that", "I don't know others who feel that way", "Why can't you just...", "I've never heard of that happening"....OMG, it's just exhausting.
I will wonder if they do the same with their marginal "FB pals", those on Zoom, church associates....doubtful. We don't need to be in agreement always with others, but it will seem as if the goal of this personality is only to oppose or correct, habitually. (If one being this way is not a relative, one might not need to associate with them at all).
Last edited by In2itive_1; 12-10-2022 at 11:34 PM..
I think talking you out of your feelings is a way to communicate they have combined your negative feelings or complaints into a single repeating pattern. While you may feel that your complaint is unique to a particular situation that requires attention, they may not see it that way. The reason they are hypocritical is that in their shoes, they see all of their own complaints as unique to a situation instead of finding a pattern within their behavior. It can be a pain trying to change this.
Yes...and I know everyone varies in personality, but funny how some will expect one to do as they do, be just like them or refer to others doing or feeling something that YOU should be able to do, also. Just since they do something a certain way, it must be best for anyone else to do the same, think the same.
I cannot express myself to the person mentioned without what I say being denied, questioned, countered, opposed, disagreed with...even over the simplest things.. every interaction: "That doesn't happen for me", "I never go through that", "Mine isn't like that", "I don't know others who feel that way", "Why can't you just...", "I've never heard of that happening"....OMG, it's just exhausting.
I will wonder if they do the same with their marginal "FB pals", those on Zoom, church associates....doubtful. We don't need to be in agreement always with others, but it will seem as if the goal of this personality is only to oppose or correct, habitually. (If one being this way is not a relative, one might not need to associate with them at all).
Every interaction? If that's their response to every interaction, that implies that every interaction starts with some problem of yours. Have you considered that's their way of telling you their crying on their shoulder is worn out? They may feel that if you don't want their advice to fix the problem, they are also tired of hearing about it? Consider their point of view.
I'd like to add two more possibilities. They care about you and it pains them to see you in an unpleasant state.
And for educational purposes. Some people don't realize that aligning with every feeling you have is optional. If one is normal and doesn't suffer from a mood disorder there are a number of techniques that can be learned and used to free oneself from being a slave to one's feelings
But I think it is very important at some, preferably early, stage in our lives to learn about the concept of discounting and the right to own our own feelings first.
Then comes the question. "This is mine. How much do I want to carry it with me?" Some people find relief in just telling another person about it and being affirmed.
If that isn't sufficient and the feeling keeps returning that is your body's way of telling you a change is needed and you should take action.
Other people actually find rewards in carrying and talking about their unhappy feelings. Here's when an honest self-check is useful.
Yes...and I know everyone varies in personality, but funny how some will expect one to do as they do, be just like them or refer to others doing or feeling something that YOU should be able to do, also. Just since they do something a certain way, it must be best for anyone else to do the same, think the same.
I cannot express myself to the person mentioned without what I say being denied, questioned, countered, opposed, disagreed with...even over the simplest things.. every interaction: "That doesn't happen for me", "I never go through that", "Mine isn't like that", "I don't know others who feel that way", "Why can't you just...", "I've never heard of that happening"....OMG, it's just exhausting.
I will wonder if they do the same with their marginal "FB pals", those on Zoom, church associates....doubtful. We don't need to be in agreement always with others, but it will seem as if the goal of this personality is only to oppose or correct, habitually. (If one being this way is not a relative, one might not need to associate with them at all).
Yep!
It seems almost universal. But, it's not because I have people that never make me think/feel that way too. I'm not sure why the others cannot allow you to feel and think the way you do without constantly countering it. But, maybe they do it is a way to shut you down. So, either you need to distance yourself from them to a certain extent or you need to find a way to shut them down on the topic (which they may never let go of). I did this during a conversation recently where were discussing a dietary habit (of mine). I just ended up saying it's like the difference between being democrat or repub (and the person they understood we would never agree on this). It's one of those things no one else should even care about too (which is the frustration with certain people where you try to have a conversation and they take a tiny point and go down a rabbit hole with it and then you are never able to get to your whole point in the first place). Still trying to figure out exactly what That is when they do That. It's probably a sliver of narccicism or something.
It seems almost universal. But, it's not because I have people that never make me think/feel that way too. I'm not sure why the others cannot allow you to feel and think the way you do without constantly countering it. But, maybe they do it is a way to shut you down. So, either you need to distance yourself from them to a certain extent or you need to find a way to shut them down on the topic (which they may never let go of). I did this during a conversation recently where were discussing a dietary habit (of mine). I just ended up saying it's like the difference between being democrat or repub (and the person they understood we would never agree on this). It's one of those things no one else should even care about too (which is the frustration with certain people where you try to have a conversation and they take a tiny point and go down a rabbit hole with it and then you are never able to get to your whole point in the first place). Still trying to figure out exactly what That is when they do That. It's probably a sliver of narccicism or something.
Thanks..yes with the type I am describing, it doesn't matter what is discussed, it is always opposed, negated. For instance, I am not as big a cell phone user or Texter, but use other devices always, e-mailing, researching, posting. So I am told "I know those older than you who Text all the time!" So..what is the point? What am I supposed to feel...that I am not jumping on the bandwagon enough? That I am "not normal" if not constantly texting?
If I question anything or want something to be different than she, I have to hear justifications as to my reasoning being wrong. Another would say, "Suit yourself", as a old friend does who no longer lives nearby. He does not use a cell phone, yet he is brilliant, highly-educated with a high IQ.. (granted, he does not waste money and his lifestyle does not require a cell, but if others hear of this, he is thought of as nuts).
So, feeling that everyone has their own preferences, dislikes, I find most people seem agreeable and accepting of another's feelings or preferences. I will interact with those in public who will be agreeable and we will have a laugh, them saying "I know, right??" I've had friends who were close, being on the same page, agreeable, compassionate, having similar tastes, outlooks, so there was a positive connection. (I think part of my frustration is that having aged and lost old friendships, I am missing not having those personalities to interact with, and would have to meet others).
I had a conversation earlier with a neighbor I'd mentioned also, whom is so difficult, never saying "I see what you mean", "yeah, I know", etc., but the opposite, and wants anyone to only see things his way. Having an odd viewpoint and persisting that another agrees with him regarding an idea, incident, news story..it's frustrating and I can't always avoid him. The other one is a relative I cannot avoid either.. so, my point is, this is a personality that is troublesome, not looking at themselves, apparently liking conflict, having read that it is an "Oppositional Conversational Style" or OCS, which I think may be rare. It's just so difficult to deal with and as said, if not a relative, one might escape from more easily.
Thanks..yes with the type I am describing, it doesn't matter what is discussed, it is always opposed, negated. For instance, I am not as big a cell phone user or Texter, but use other devices always, e-mailing, researching, posting. So I am told "I know those older than you who Text all the time!" So..what is the point? What am I supposed to feel...that I am not jumping on the bandwagon enough? That I am "not normal" if not constantly texting?
If I question anything or want something to be different than she, I have to hear justifications as to my reasoning being wrong. Another would say, "Suit yourself", as a old friend does who no longer lives nearby. He does not use a cell phone, yet he is brilliant, highly-educated with a high IQ.. (granted, he does not waste money and his lifestyle does not require a cell, but if others hear of this, he is thought of as nuts).
.
I have a relative like that. Which is fine. Except ... he expects everyone else to adapt to HIM and HIS choices. So here's the real question: In a group of say, 10 people, if everyone exchanges information in a group text so that everyone in the group knows what's going on, EXCEPT that one person who doesn't text and expects the other nine to give him a personal phone call, is that really effective communication?
I have a relative like that. Which is fine. Except ... he expects everyone else to adapt to HIM and HIS choices. So here's the real question: In a group of say, 10 people, if everyone exchanges information in a group text so that everyone in the group knows what's going on, EXCEPT that one person who doesn't text and expects the other nine to give him a personal phone call, is that really effective communication?
Well, that instance seems a bit different from what is being discussed, maybe one being stubborn, controlling.
Consider those without a social circle as you suggest, it just would not be necessary. The friend I mentioned is older, like myself. He moved to join relatives who have resided in a rural area, having bought land there some years ago, to build a house on. Now, there is nothing happening up there, so none of what is suggested is occurring or matters, so this is not the instance for him. (He does not have the personality that I have described, rather being flexible and open.. just having no need / lifestyle for a cell).
In my case, I Text sporadically, all being pretty meaningless, so I don't care much for. I too do not have a social circle that constitutes having group texting. So again, it doesn't matter and does not need to be insisted upon how this could benefit me. The relative I've complained of is one choosing to follow the crowd, expecting others to do the same -- this topic really being about a personality continually disagreeing, denying, being contradictory and oppositional.
Last edited by In2itive_1; 12-14-2022 at 12:44 AM..
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The relative I've complained of is one choosing to follow the crowd, expecting others to do the same -- this topic really being about a personality continually disagreeing, denying, being contradictory and oppositional.
