Why are most single Americans unwilling to have housemates? (introvert, vindictive, husband)

[ncole1]

Serious question. Much of the population is on the verge of serious financial trouble, half the population is one paycheck away from complete ruin, and yet single, childless adults are continuing to insist on living alone. Why?

I've had housemates for 16 years straight, I've had a total of well over 25 housemates, 100% of them complete strangers that I had never met before and very few issues. I have a hard time believing that people are really running into that many issues. What gives?

In my area, you can rent a room or suite big enough to have a private refridgerator, bathroom AND bedroom, and still be paying $10k/year less than the cheapest studio apartment in the same area. You can even have separate leases so you are not financially liable if your housemates do not pay rent. You don't even have to talk to your housemates more than once a year if you don't want to. People are literally paying $10k/year to not have to share a mailbox, laundry room and dishwasher? It isn't as though the cheap studio gives you acoustic isolation either.

I sincerely don't understand what the origin of this cultural coliving-phobia is.

[mshultz]

I lived in a college dorm with a roommate for a year. That was enough of that.

[Bitey]

Maybe you're just the most agreeable person in the world to have a streak like that; most of us who went through the "roommate" phase haven't been so lucky and became extra-motivated to never have to do it again. Living alone may be more expensive, but nothing strains your finances like the cost of your legal defense after throttling your insufferable roommate by the neck.

And FWIW, this "private suite" you speak of where you have your own bathroom basically sounds like a studio apartment.

[Jessie Mitchell]

I'm old, married, and have grown kids. Before having my family I always had roommates. Almost every single person I knew did. It was just how you could afford to live anywhere. Fact of life. Whether it was optimal or not wasn't a relevant question, it was just necessary.

Things I think are different now are that some young people (professionals and people in tech) make a ton more money than I or my peers ever did at that age, or even do now. Even if it's more expensive to live alone, they make enough money to do it and the extra cost is worth the simpler home life. Both my kids are in domestic relationships, but if they were not they would prefer to live alone, for sure.

Also we've gotten so used to tailoring our personal environment, our entertainment, our information sources, our food, clothes, friends etc. to exact and specific preferences that we've lost some flexibility and adaptability to share a world, especially in the private domestic sphere with other people, with random intrusions, with a little chaos. There used to be fewer options for every element of life so living with less control over minutia was something everyone did.

I live with my husband, but if that was not the case, I imagine I'd prefer to live alone at this point for those same reasons. Not sure that's a good thing psychologically, but I can't really picture someone else in a private space with me at this point. I'm pretty introverted, and I like my little bubble tailored to my preferences. But I think your question is a really salient one regarding modern culture, and has broad implications, and is probably related pretty directly to this 'epidemic of loneliness' that is getting attention these days.

[DubbleT]

Where do you live that private fridge and own bathroom, etc are affordable? I've never ever seen a living situation with two refrigerators unless you are talking about something like a garage apt or an in-law suite. Definitely not in a condo or apartment.
And make no mistake, an awful lot of the discord between roomies is over what goes on in the shared kitchen. Food theft, dirty dishes, not replacing used up supplies, sharing space for food, and use of each others pots and pans and dishes.
Another part of the equation is that the sense of entitlement has grown to such proportions that many people are no longer willing to make any concessions, as mentioned above. They do whatever they want to do with no concern about the roommate. Lot's of visitors, late nights, loud and noisy.

My daughter once brought in a roommate who took it upon herself to add a second cat to the household, a cat that added to the monthly rental fee, a cat she left to my daughter's care frequently, a cat that constantly fought with my daughter's cat, and a cat she ultimately 'forgot' to take when she moved out. My daughter has sworn never again to put up with that sort of hassle.

[Ruth4Truth]

It only works if you screen people very carefully, OR if you only rent to friends, IOW--people you know well and get along with. Stealing others' food from the fridge, leaving dirty dishes in the sink, etc. aren't an issue with mature people. The trick is finding those people, or again--only taking in friends.

However, these days in a growing number of housing markets, renting a house or apt. and splitting the rent with others still isn't affordable to the residents. Rents are so inflated, that there's no savings involved, unless you happen to score a unit owned by a local LL vs. a corporate one.

[sheerbliss]

Originally Posted by ncole1

Serious question. Much of the population is on the verge of serious financial trouble, half the population is one paycheck away from complete ruin, and yet single, childless adults are continuing to insist on living alone. Why?

I'm a single, childless adult who isn't anywhere near the verge of financial ruin. I don't have roommates because I don't need the money. I've had roommates before and I hated it; I preferred getting a second job.

Originally Posted by ncole1

I've had housemates for 16 years straight, I've had a total of well over 25 housemates, 100% of them complete strangers that I had never met before and very few issues. I have a hard time believing that people are really running into that many issues. What gives?

In 16 years, none of your roommates lost their job, moved away, or otherwise didn't have rent money? All that happened in the few years I had roommates. And when I rented out my garage, I ended up having to hire a lawyer, proceed with an eviction, and clear out my garage with a sheriff's deputy standing by. In some jurisdictions, it can take months and thousands of dollars to evict a non-paying tenant.

Originally Posted by ncole1

In my area, you can rent a room or suite big enough to have a private refridgerator, bathroom AND bedroom, and still be paying $10k/year less than the cheapest studio apartment in the same area. You can even have separate leases so you are not financially liable if your housemates do not pay rent. You don't even have to talk to your housemates more than once a year if you don't want to.

That's an apartment. Not a room to rent out.

Originally Posted by ncole1

People are literally paying $10k/year to not have to share a mailbox, laundry room and dishwasher? It isn't as though the cheap studio gives you acoustic isolation either.

In my area, you can rent a HOUSE for about $700 per month. The most I might get for renting out a room would be maybe $350 per month. For $4200 per year, it's not worth the risk of having my identity stolen, my stuff stolen, my dog abused, having drugs sold out of my house, or putting up with any other problems from a roommate who can only afford $350/month in rent. Even if they're a great roommate, I just don't like living with other people.

Originally Posted by ncole1

I sincerely don't understand what the origin of this cultural coliving-phobia is.

I hope I've helped clear this up.

[harry chickpea]

Originally Posted by ncole1

Serious question. Much of the population is on the verge of serious financial trouble, half the population is one paycheck away from complete ruin, and yet single, childless adults are continuing to insist on living alone. Why?

I've had housemates for 16 years straight, I've had a total of well over 25 housemates, 100% of them complete strangers that I had never met before and very few issues. I have a hard time believing that people are really running into that many issues. What gives?

In my area, you can rent a room or suite big enough to have a private refridgerator, bathroom AND bedroom, and still be paying $10k/year less than the cheapest studio apartment in the same area. You can even have separate leases so you are not financially liable if your housemates do not pay rent. You don't even have to talk to your housemates more than once a year if you don't want to. People are literally paying $10k/year to not have to share a mailbox, laundry room and dishwasher? It isn't as though the cheap studio gives you acoustic isolation either.

I sincerely don't understand what the origin of this cultural coliving-phobia is.

What works for you - works for you.

Growing up, my "room" was the size of a current day closet that for the first years also had my father's ham radio shack, which he used while I was trying to sleep. In college I had much as you describe - three of us in a one bedroom apartment. I got stuck in the front pass through area. The adjacent apartment was occupied by a druggie with a drum set. In taking a job in Atlanta that I knew would be short-lived, I shared an apartment with three others. Even though I was rarely there, it brought back memories, as well as the common issues with food and cleaning.

I'm going to counter your comment. Why are you willing to put up with a substandard level of living, just because some REIT has increased pricing to make the area unaffordable? When air is sold and rationed, will you breathe less and ask why others don't as well? (That was a rhetorical question, to make a point.)

As you pointed out, the primary issue is economics. I voted with my feet, moving OUT of areas where such nonsense was required. If you can't afford to live in an area in the lifestyle you want - get out.

I have always looked at my income this way: I made this money by my own sweat and wits. I intend to save it or use it as I see fit. Anyone, any thing, any tax or outrageous fee that demands part of that is a leech. If an employer in a high cost area can't pay commensurate wages, bye bye. Done. Gone. I'm not about to help finance your second home while I live in squalor.

There were various levels of housing in the past. Flophouses rented a bed for a night. Boarding houses offered a room and meals. What you have is a boarding house without meals or laundry service. No thanks.

This really isn't a psychology issue as much as a "how much are you willing to put up with?" issue.

[tlarnla]

Living with other people doesn't always work out well. Many of us have had problems with roommates, or have heard horror stories from friends and relatives about roommate problems they had. Even if you're good friends, you might have issues. But if you're total strangers, you don't know anything about them other than a first impression, and those are often deceptive. Moving in with a stranger is like a roll of the dice.

That said, I think it can be a good experience. It's great for anybody who's lonely (but they might get disappointed if the roommate is not interested in socialization and just wants a place to sleep).

I do not recommend it if you have valuables that could be stolen or destroyed, because you don't know if your new roomate (or one of their friends) might be a thief, a violent person, or a vindictive person that might destroy your property if they get mad at you for something.

I also avoid living with somebody of the other gender (unless they're gay), because there is a chance of sexual tension if one roommate is attracted to the other, and the feeling isn't mutual.

[brightdoglover]

I always felt like I was camping when I had roommates. I've lived alone since age 23 and just accept that it's an expense for living.