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I'm curious to know if anyone here has lived in a multigenerational family situation, and how that experience was. Perhaps you're the older generation and doing it now, or were a middle/younger generation and did it in the past. We're considering doing this with my mom, who at 75 is still quite healthy and super sharp, but whose body and strength is failing her. I'm almost 50 and still working -- will work for at least another 10 years. My husband is 63 and will retire from full-time work this year, but will still be running the back-office functions of a family business. We have no kids/adult kids/grandkids at home.
Right now mom is renting a condo about 3 miles/10 minutes from us. It's close enough that we can get there if needed, but I can see on the horizon that she will need more help with seemingly simple things (didn't have the strength to get the circuit breaker box open, for instance, and already needs us to stop by to carry in "heavy" groceries like cans of soda and bottles of juice, etc.). Even driving to run errands is becoming a hassle for her (uses a rollator, not interested in dealing with a motorized scooter) in that she'll often "want" to go out, but decides it's too much trouble so stays in.
We're not looking at cohabiting in the same home (i.e., mom moving into the guest room). We'd find a situation with two homes, or a distinct separate attached full home/apartment for mom (own entrance, kitchen, bath, laundry, etc.). We'd either build a casita at our current home or (more likely) sell and find a place already set up the way we want it. We're not in a position to pay for the additional space ourselves, so mom would have to contribute, which she (and my brother) are fine with her doing. But it does put a certain permanency to it once the costs are commingled.
If you've lived this way as the older generation, did you like it? Did it feel confining or isolated? If you were a younger generation, did the convenience of being able to help your parent outweigh the fear (or actuality) of being "stuck" in some way with the situation?
Location: East of Seattle since 1992, 615' Elevation, Zone 8b - originally from SF Bay Area
44,585 posts, read 81,225,683 times
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We came close when my mother-in-law was unable to take care of herself at 83. We were going to add a shower to the den and make it her bedroom, and still had one daughter at home. After talking to the social worker from the hospital, and realizing that if she fell while we were all at work she wouldn't be any better off, we went with an adult family home for her. She was very happy there and made it to 95.
In our area, the new homes being built are typically 3,200+ square feet, with two master suites. priced at $900,000-1.2 million they are selling fast with multi-generational Asian immigrants snapping them up. The middle generation is mostly high tech workers, bringing their parents and kids with them.
We tried it, but it was in our home. Mom missed people her own age, so we moved her to a care situation with other older people. She was happier there. As she aged and needed more help with daily living, she could get it there. We worked full time and just wouldn't have been able to do it all as time went on, so it was the best decision all around. Each situation is different.
Mom lives in the same place they raised us kids up, which is a mid sized rancher on the flats, but is really really highly (over?) valued just now. We live in the Hillbilly Shack, on a canyon wall, with crummy parking, and a bazillion steps to get to the house, go down to the garage / laundry area, etc. Lousy transit connections. No way could she move in with us. Meanwhile: The childhood home is too small realistically, since my wife would need to be included, plus it would give us worse commutes and other decreases in convenience factor. Before my Dad got sick I tried to sell the folks on the idea of cashing out of Facebook Zillionaire-land and moving either out of state or at least a cheaper locale here in CA, and buy a good place for an eventual family compound. But they were too liberal / Communist to contemplate living in the Flyover or even someplace like Placer County.
My family can't even make it through a meal together. Perish the thought of living together. I could live with my mother though, we get along really well.
My daughter and son-in-law could not afford to buy a house. We wanted to travel a lot and not be tied down to a house. We bought a fairly large house, had some remodeling done including the addition of a second kitchen. We have the smaller portion of the house but it is big enough. We are the owners and my daughter pays some of the expenses. It is nice having the grandkids next door. They have built in baby sitters when we are not traveling and we have house sitters and some of the expenses paid. My daughter will eventually inherit the house. So far after less than two years, the arrangement seems to be working well.
I'm curious to know if anyone here has lived in a multigenerational family situation, and how that experience was. Perhaps you're the older generation and doing it now, or were a middle/younger generation and did it in the past. We're considering doing this with my mom, who at 75 is still quite healthy and super sharp, but whose body and strength is failing her. I'm almost 50 and still working -- will work for at least another 10 years. My husband is 63 and will retire from full-time work this year, but will still be running the back-office functions of a family business. We have no kids/adult kids/grandkids at home.
Right now mom is renting a condo about 3 miles/10 minutes from us. It's close enough that we can get there if needed, but I can see on the horizon that she will need more help with seemingly simple things (didn't have the strength to get the circuit breaker box open, for instance, and already needs us to stop by to carry in "heavy" groceries like cans of soda and bottles of juice, etc.). Even driving to run errands is becoming a hassle for her (uses a rollator, not interested in dealing with a motorized scooter) in that she'll often "want" to go out, but decides it's too much trouble so stays in.
We're not looking at cohabiting in the same home (i.e., mom moving into the guest room). We'd find a situation with two homes, or a distinct separate attached full home/apartment for mom (own entrance, kitchen, bath, laundry, etc.). We'd either build a casita at our current home or (more likely) sell and find a place already set up the way we want it. We're not in a position to pay for the additional space ourselves, so mom would have to contribute, which she (and my brother) are fine with her doing. But it does put a certain permanency to it once the costs are commingled.
If you've lived this way as the older generation, did you like it? Did it feel confining or isolated? If you were a younger generation, did the convenience of being able to help your parent outweigh the fear (or actuality) of being "stuck" in some way with the situation?
In 2008 my mom got the bright idea of converting a one car garage/workshop/carport into an apt. for herself. My brother and family would live in the 'big house' and she would take the apt.. Well, brother decided he didn't want to live there so Mom stayed in her house and I moved into the apt. in back. I paid minimal rent which included elec., gas, water, trash and sewer. I moved there partly for that reason with the idea that less rent would mean more savings in the bank so I could 'eventually' buy my own home again. Partly so I could be there for her. She was 82 when I moved in and, back then, still had plenty of energy and kept busy. It worked out great for six years and I was never sorry I lived there. Last Dec. she had a major stroke and died 11 days later. I'm glad I could be there for her, to help her out financially...I paid for a few major house expenses over the years...and to just be there for her if she needed me. It can work if the people involved like one another, respect one another and get along well. We did. I loved her with all my heart and miss her every day. I did get to buy a house and wish she could be here to share my happiness with it. Although, if she was still here I'd still be there!
As expected, the experiences are as varied as can be.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Harpaint
We tried it, but it was in our home. Mom missed people her own age, so we moved her to a care situation with other older people. She was happier there.
This is my main concern with my mom. When we were looking for a place for her here (we moved her here from TX this spring) we spent a lot of time talking and narrowing down what was important to her. "Community" was one of those things. Unfortunately, it was a challenge to find something with her aesthetic requirements that also offered the potential of community (I posted in the past about the dearth of options for the middle-class senior. Everything is geared toward the wealthy or the subsidized market).
We found a nice condo complex that ticks all the boxes for style, view, community potential (lots of other similarly situated seniors), but it's a bit more challenging physically than she would like. Honestly, now that I think of it, even the pricier retirement homes would be similar -- long hallways to an elevator and then a bit of a walk to her car. But perhaps they have folks who will help carry in groceries, etc? The only way to get her into something where she can (a) step out of the house into her car and (b) open the door to just let her dog out (rather than trek outside to walk it) is to go into a casita with us, or into someone else's casita. Neither of those offer the instant community of a complex.
It's something we're going to continue discussing as a family and we'll see if everyone starts to lean in that direction. But we're not going to do anything until then.
Location: East of Seattle since 1992, 615' Elevation, Zone 8b - originally from SF Bay Area
44,585 posts, read 81,225,683 times
Reputation: 57822
For placing my MIL in the adult family home, we paid a nurse social worker $250 well spent to help. She used a long interview to find out likes and dislikes, fears, preferred activities, even foods. Then she did the research and recommended 3 places that met the wishes, and we went to visit all of them before making a decision. The hospital provided us with the list of consultants that do that sort of work. Until she was about 90 when she became less active she enjoyed the conversation and playing games with the others of her generation, though over her 12 years there about 4 passed away and were replaced.
I explored the Nextgen homes by Lennar where a small apt. is made part of the main house and connects by a door. Has a full kitchen, bedroom, bath, and a small outside area separate from the big yard of the main house. The houses started at 350 I think, and my daughter and son in law never really commited to the idea so we dropped it. I didn't feel like I was ready either for that life.
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