Daily Joke Thread

[lonestar2007]

Out before the holidays? Be safe always.

Please, take care of yourself. A recent joint study conducted by the
Department of Health and the Department of Motor Vehicles indicates that 23%
of traffic accidents are alcohol related.

This means that the remaining 77% are caused by a**holes who drink bottled
water, Starbucks, soda, energy drinks and sh*t like that.

Therefore, beware of those who do not drink alcohol. They cause three times
as many accidents.

This message is sent to you by someone who is a drinker and worries about
your safety

[crazedchef]

As we progress through to the end of 2011, I want to thank you for your
educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have
little chance of recovery.

I can no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, nor let the
waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on
the lemon peel.

I can't sit down on a hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has
happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the
number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose.

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how
many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can't touch any woman's handbag for fear she has placed it on the floor of a
public toilet.

I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS for the email about rat poo in the glue on
envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs
sealing.

ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I can't have a drink in a bar because I fear I'll wake up in a bathtub full of
ice with my kidneys gone.

I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks
with no eyes, feet or feathers.

I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo
on a hot day.

THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an
e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove
toilet stains.

I no longer buy fuel without taking someone along to watch the car, so a serial
killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.

I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different
types of cancer.

AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave
anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring me for life.

I no longer go to the cinema because I could be pricked with a needle infected
with AIDS when I sit down.

I no longer go to shopping centers because someone will drug me with a perfume
sample and rob me.

And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number
for which I will get a huge phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda ,
Singapore and Uzbekistan .

THANKS TO YOU I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big black snake
could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my
butt.

AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can't ever pick up a dime coin dropped in the
car park because it was probably placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab
me as I bend over.

I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the Violin Spider
and my hand will fall off.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes,
a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow
afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to
grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a
friend of my next door neighbor's ex mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's
best friend's beautician . .

Oh, and by the way.....

A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that
people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mails with their hand on
the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

P. S. I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail
that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet.

NOW YOU HAVE YOURSELF A VERY GOOD DAY

[lonestar2007]

California:

The Governor of California is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out and attacks the Governor's dog, then bites the Governor.

1. The Governor starts to intervene, but reflects upon the movie "Bambi" and then realizes he should stop because the coyote is only doing what is natural.

2. He calls animal control . Animal Control captures the coyote and bills the State $200 testing it for diseases and $500 for relocating it.

3. He calls a veterinarian. The vet collects the dead dog and bills the State $200 testing it for diseases.

4. The Governor goes to hospital and spends $3,500 getting checked for diseases from the coyote and on getting his bite wound bandaged.

5. The running trail gets shut down for 6 months while Fish & Game conducts a $100,000 survey to make sure the area is now free of dangerous animals.

6. The Governor spends $50,000 in state funds implementing a "coyote awareness program" for residents of the area.

7. The State Legislature spends $2 million to study how to better treat rabies and how to permanently eradicate the disease throughout the world.

8. The Governor's security agent is fired for not stopping the attack. The State spends $150,000 to hire and train a new agent with additional special training re: the nature of coyotes.

9. PETA protests the coyote's relocation and files a $5 million suit against the State.

Texas:

The Governor of Texas is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A Coyote jumps out and attacks his dog.

1. The Governor shoots the coyote with his legally concealed carry pistol and keeps jogging. The Governor has spent $0.50 on a .45 ACP hollow point cartridge.

2. The Buzzards eat the dead coyote.

And that, my friends, is why California is broke and Texas is not.

[TXStrat]

My grandfather was in WWII. In a single day, during the Battle of Britain, he downed 8 German aircraft, and took out a total of 32 German aircrew.

He was, without a doubt, the worst mechanic in the Luftwaffe...