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This is a subject near and dear to my heart. Upon finding out we would absolutely not conceive the 'regular' way, my husband and I discussed adoption. His sister was adopted as an infant and adoption was always a part of his life story. Though it wasn't part of mine, I was completely open to the idea. Right before we were going to start filling out the initial adoption applications (there are 1000000s of things to fill out,) my husband said, "Honey, how would you feel about maybe trying IVF just once? I always thought I'd have one biological child and one that we adopted, just like my own family growing up." For him, I agreed to try once. We did and it didn't work. At that point, knowing our insurance would cover 3 tries, I decided we may as well just try for the full 3 times. It was AWFUL on me. After each negative result, I just felt horrible. After the second negative pregnancy test, I told my husband I ouldn't continue with the third IVF unless we started the adoption process. By the time I got the third negative test, we were well on our way to our first adoption. I had something to throw my hopes on instead of wallowing in my sadness at not being able to conceive through IVF.
Would I do it again the same way? I don't think I would. I know now that I absolutely and totally ADORE my two adopted kids (adopted from Russia in 2003 and 2005.) I cannot imagine my life without them. They have been aware since they were very young that they are adopted. It is not something we discuss on a daily basis, but whenever they have questions, I answer all of them to the best of my ability. They have seen photos of their birth mothers and know their own personal stories. They are proud of their Russian heritage (and also of their Scottish/Welsh heritage from my DH and me.) I realize that as they grow older (they are 7 and almost 9 now,) there may be more adoption-related issues and we will weather them as best we can. We have lots of friends who have adopted children and for quite a few years, my kids thought all kids came from Russia or China or Guatemala or Korea (or had much darker skin than their parents - we also have friends who adopted African american children.) It's just a normal part of their lives to have all these friends who do not look much like their parents. Our kids do look like us (though they have gorgeous brown eyes and DH and I have blue eyes.)
I am so grateful to have had the opportunity to be a parent and these girls are every bit my own children. People occasionally say, "your girls are so lucky to have you." On the contrary, we feel like we're the lucky ones.
If you had a choice between IVF or Adoption, what would you choose?
Do you think there is a stigma attached to adoption? NO
Are you or do you know of a woman who got pregnant via IVF? YES LOTS (myself included)
Do you or does this woman lie about how the child was conceived to hide the issue of infertility? I can't speak for others. But I certainly don't.
I have this option and I know which one I'm heavily leaning towards...I'll reveal after some comments and poll count is at a decent percent.
I'm curious what others would do/think.
Thanks!
I am a proud mom to both my miracle IVF baby boy (he is now 12) and my miracle daughter who was adopted at birth. She is now six years old. Both mine, very much wanted, loved, and cherished.
It's such a personal choice for people. I can only say that I am happy that I have experienced a pregnancy. It was a wonderful experience and I am blessed to have given birth to my son. I did have a c-section with him and it was a long, arduous recovery. But of course I would have done it again in a heart beat.
Six years later, I was eternally grateful and in awe that my daughter's birth mom not only gave birth to a healthy, beautiful baby girl...but bravely terminated her own rights as a mom and chose me to be her daughter's mommy!!!!
Both experiences were beautiful! Both my kids are miracles and I can't imagine my life without either of them!!!
^^LOL! Thanks. Yes, I've always worried about the "timing" of telling our child(ren) about their adoption. How old were yours when you told them?
I hope you don't mind. But I am chiming in on this question. My daughter was adopted at birth. Now she is six years old. She was born in California and we live in S. Florida. So we missed her birth by a couple of hours due to travel (flight) time. We have been telling her about her "Adoption Journey" since she was a baby.
Do you think there is a stigma attached to adoption?
Not a bit. I think that today, people are much more accepting of adoption. Both of my kids are adopted (9 and 11) from Russia and I don't regret a thing. In fact, they are blessed that they don't have our genes (my husband's side there is a dibilitating disease that affects women and on my side we have breast cancer that has struck every woman in the family, heart disease and all sorts of horrible things). Thanks goodness my kids are not burdened with our genetic baggage. There have been a few cruel comments made at school about my daugther in particular who has not fit in that well. However, she is starting Middle School next year and has a fresh start. Overall, adoption is really a non issue with our kids and everyone else. My daughter was almost 4 when we brought her home and she has no recall of her earlier years. She has had some issues but we are working through them and each year gets a bit better. My young son hasn't really had many problems. We held him back in school and he is doing well.
Are you or do you know of a woman who got pregnant via IVF?
Do you or does this woman lie about how the child was conceived to hide the issue of infertility?
Yes, my good friend got pregnant with twins at the age of 40 through IVF. There wasn't any stigma attached to this procedure. In fact, she is quite joyful when she tells others about her gifts that came late in life.
Quite frankly, I think that society is much more accepting of things these days than in the past. There are so many blended familes, adoptive families, children conceived through fertility treatments, multi racial families, etc that it is no big deal. Perhaps I live in a more accepting area (New Jersey) where we are one big melting pot of cultures and people that it doesn't really matter.
I havent read all the posts yet but I wanted to note I always wanted to adopt and then I saw The Orphan. Not saying that could happen in real like but I also dont tan because of final destination. LOL
IVF if I had good eggs and sperm. I would never do donor egg/sperm because I don't yearn for the "joys" of pregnancy.
Adopt if I was older, and really wanted the experience of raising kids that are not biologically mine. And I would only adopt the older kids, not the babies.
Costs are really quite high for both. If I was not financially secure enough to take a risk on something not panning out, I would not consider either.
No stigma to either one - unless you use donor material - then that kind of opens up another can of worms.
I'm going to give a vote to IVF on behalf of my sister and her husband who will have their embryo(s) implanted tomorrow or in a couple days. Good vibes to them for success!
I fell to the temptation of IVF. I was a good person, an elementary school teacher. My husband was a hard worker, a cancer survivor, and a good man. We were told children we not possible for us.
We were referred to a reproductive clinic, and no adoption resources or other foundations information were provided.
When we went to the appointment, I should have felt that Christ wasn't with me. I was obsessed with having a child.
We went through two IVF cycles, and I am now responsible for all those lost souls. One cycle was successful and gave me two beautiful girls, but I hate myself. Then were two embros frozen. They cryed out to me in a dream. I wanted to set them free. I was exhausted, overwhelmed, and weak. I chose to have the destroyed. I was wrong. I will regret that decision everyday of my life. Now I watch my children playing with deep sadness that I may not be able to spend eternity with them. I feel hopeless that I lost God's love. I beg forgiveness to the children I'll never know, and I am terrified that I've lost my salvation.
I beg any woman who is considering IVF to stop. It is wrong. Teach your daughters, sisters, friends, and loved ones that it's wrong. Anyone tempted should read Revelations in the Bible. Please visit Pope Paul VI institute for more options or choose adoption.
It is up to you, but if you do adoption, go get a child from China. I have personally known several families with girls from China, and the girls are great kids. That is totally the route I would go.
I just hope you don't have 6 or 8 eggs implanted in you at one time...
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IVF is wrong
