husband had child he gave up for adoption, need help! (parents, kids)
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Grandma has pics of him on the wall and just this last time, our child asked "who is that" and my husbands sister blurted out, oh that is your cousin Micheal-blatant lie!
You better prepare for her saying, "I already know" when you tell her. And the emotions to follow.
Kids are smart. If she doesn't already suspect something is up I'd be shocked.
NK, the boy was adopted and raised by his stepfather. I didn't see anything indicating he felt abandoned or rejected.
quite right but many times adopted children do feel abandoned and rejected (even if they had the best adopted family in the world) and this might be the case here since he knows his bio father has a new family and certainly knows where he is and has been all these years and never made any effort to contact him.
OP, did you consider that Nick might be completely content with his life without his biological father, you, and his sister in it?
Your daughter does not even need to know about her brother. Considering that your husband gave the boy up for adoption, the only way a connection should even be made is if it is on Nicks terms. Certainly not yours.
Edit: Okay. I just read the posts where you said Nick is in pictures all over your relative's homes. In that case yes she needs to be told. I thought the situation was a bit different.
My father(man#1) gave me up for adoption to another man#2. After my mother divorced man#2 she married another man#3. Man#3 also gave a child of his up for adoption to another man.
I personally wanted to establish contact with my biological father, and did so. But Man#3's child might not even want to meet his dad. It's all up to the child's choice in my opinion. Your situation is different though because Nick is already intertwined with your life. No point in confusing your daughter anymore.
We had neighbors whose son got his gf pregnant and she let her older brother and his wife adopt the baby. The kids is being raised to believe her bio father is her uncle and that her bio mother is her aunt and that she was adopted from strangers. All the family knows the truth including children the same age as the little girl who is now 11.
Talk about a train wreck waiting to happen?
I have a similiar story, only the teenage son got his girlfriend pregnant and his mom & dad raised the baby as their own child (ie. Krissy-fake-first-name's big brother was actually her biological father). EVERYONE in town knew the story (except for Krissy). Her classmates knew, her co-workers knew, her fiance knew, his family knew, newcomers to town knew, but somehow Krissy never found out. I attended her wedding and her big brother (actually biological dad) was very proud and excited. He kept taking dozens of pictures and even started to cry several times. Krissy even commented to numerous wedding guests about Big Brother's "odd behavior" and everyone tried to keep a straight face and not let her know why he was so proud & excited.
I could hardly believe that for 20 years no one "let the cat out of the bag" but I can only imagine what happened when Krissy finally found out the truth. I only lived in that town for one year and then transferred jobs so I never found out when (or if) she ever learned the truth.
P.S. Krissy's eight year old "niece" was flower girl and I'm pretty sure that even she knew that Krissy was actually her half-sister and not her aunt.
I have a similiar story, only the teenage son got his girlfriend pregnant and his mom & dad raised the baby as their own child (ie. Krissy-fake-first-name's big brother was actually her biological father). EVERYONE in town knew the story (except for Krissy). Her classmates knew, her co-workers knew, her fiance knew, his family knew, newcomers to town knew, but somehow Krissy never found out. I attended her wedding and her big brother (actually biological dad) was very proud and excited. He kept taking dozens of pictures and even started to cry several times. Krissy even commented to numerous wedding guests about Big Brother's "odd behavior" and everyone tried to keep a straight face and not let her know why he was so proud & excited. I could hardly believe that for 20 years no one "let the cat out of the bag" but I can only imagine what happened when Krissy finally found out the truth. I only lived in that town for one year and then transferred jobs so I never found out when (or if) she ever learned the truth.
P.S. Krissy's eight year old "niece" was flower girl and I'm pretty sure that even she knew that Krissy was actually her half-sister and not her aunt.
quite right but many times adopted children do feel abandoned and rejected (even if they had the best adopted family in the world) and this might be the case here since he knows his bio father has a new family and certainly knows where he is and has been all these years and never made any effort to contact him.
I agree my sister knows a girl who gave up her daughter for her parents to raise at 2 and maintains...quasi semi contact with her. Couple years ago she started a new family thought with a guy. Now her and her daughter barely speak because her daughter resents how she was abandoned but when her mom had the ability she started a new family.
some folks have a hard time believing a man can have just as much anguish about a lost child as a woman. Would the bitter adopted poster in earlier post refer to biological mother as 'egg donor" if it had been the other way around?
The reason I think husband should look up the son is because this young man, Nick, could be wondering and hurting but not know what to do. If he knew his bio father actually made the first steps to see him, it might lessen his feelings of abandonment, if he even has them. Not all adoptees feel abandoned. My adult daughter is very thankful for the life she has had and realizes her birth family did the best thing possible for her. She is grateful.
Perhaps husband could contact his ex wife to see if his son even wanted to meet him.
I'm guessing this is directed at my post, and I'll say I would. It's different when a parent is there at the start, and then they give the child up to a new mommy/daddy. I love my adopted father. He is the one and only father in my life. For me the "sperm donor" could have been a man at a clinic. You don't give a child up for adoption to a step parent just to be nice. There is always an underlying reason. For me it was not wanting to pay child support.
quite right but many times adopted children do feel abandoned and rejected (even if they had the best adopted family in the world) and this might be the case here since he knows his bio father has a new family and certainly knows where he is and has been all these years and never made any effort to contact him.
OHMYGOSH, given all of this - WHAT IS YOUR HUSBAND WAITING FOR??
Now I understand your sense of urgency. I hadn't understood before that his extended family is part of the kids life. Given that they are, and the kids pics are up in relatives homes, your daughter needs to be told.
And why hasn't your husband done more to try to connect with Nick himself??
Your husband is kind of wimping out here. Feel free to tell him I said so
Hi. When I bring up the subject, he gets mad and says"I don't want to talk about it". he has never told me the reson he won't call or contact Nick though. It almost seems like he is mad at the child or something. May be guilt doing it. Also, his mother called when Nick graduated High School(we did receive and invite) and asked why we weren't coming and John told her something like, "i do not want to see Wynn's whole family" (his ex wife). I guess he feels they would all scrutinize him for leaving his son. he has so much bitterness!
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