husband had child he gave up for adoption, need help!
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If other people in the family know, she's going to find out, and she's going to be much more hurt and upset if she finds out from someone other than the ones who should have told her. I do think much of her anger and pain will be towards her dad...not for letting his son be adopted, but for not telling her. Maybe you could write him a letter explaining how you feel, then let him ponder it. This may avoid arguments and avoidance, he'll have to sit down and read it, and he may actually consider it. If he chooses not to tell your dd and she finds out through the grapevine, he can bear the full brunt of her pain.
I told him that she would be mad at him for not telling her and he still said we need to wait-wait for what, for her to find out at a family funeral when Nick walks in and is a mirror image(just younger) of her dad? From what I know, Nick wants to be a part of Danielle's life and John is being a jerk. I think he just would not know what to say to Nick if he called him....
I think it's very weird that his whole family remainded close to Nick but your H wasn't allowed contact. Honestly, I can't imagine a legal set up like that actually existing. I mean, what if you didn't live OOS? Nope...impossible.
Let him do what he wants and whatever happens will happen. You can explain it to your daughter if you want. I really don't see this as earth shattering since all families have "secrets' that really aren't. When my kids found out their dad had been married before and was stepdad to his first wifes child for a couple years when he was 19-22. it wasn't something they cared that much about, but I told them when they were little. I didn't even ask H about it, it's just a fact and he didn't care that much. Sometimes we BUILD things up to be bigger deals than they end up being.
I think it's very weird that his whole family remainded close to Nick but your H wasn't allowed contact. Honestly, I can't imagine a legal set up like that actually existing. I mean, what if you didn't live OOS? Nope...impossible.
Let him do what he wants and whatever happens will happen. You can explain it to your daughter if you want. I really don't see this as earth shattering since all families have "secrets' that really aren't. When my kids found out their dad had been married before and was stepdad to his first wifes child for a couple years when he was 19-22. it wasn't something they cared that much about, but I told them when they were little. I didn't even ask H about it, it's just a fact and he didn't care that much. Sometimes we BUILD things up to be bigger deals than they end up being.
I know! I think it is the weirdest situation ever! yes, it was agreed upon that John would "lose" his visiting rights only if his mom and dad and sister and brother and whoever else wanted to reamin close. I guess because he did not want to take Nick away from his grandparents and uncle. aunt...I am trying to remain calm, but this has been driving me nuts for over a year now and husband is being so dumb!
I know! I think it is the weirdest situation ever! yes, it was agreed upon that John would "lose" his visiting rights only if his mom and dad and sister and brother and whoever else wanted to reamin close. I guess because he did not want to take Nick away from his grandparents and uncle. aunt...I am trying to remain calm, but this has been driving me nuts for over a year now and husband is being so dumb!
Your husband is stuck emotionally, probably due to the guilt.
Please encourage him to go with you to a few sessions with a therapist.
You two need an unbiased mediator to be able to reach some resolution on when/how to tell your daughter she has a brother. And your husband needs the help of a therapist to deal with his feelings.
I think it's very weird that his whole family remainded close to Nick but your H wasn't allowed contact. Honestly, I can't imagine a legal set up like that actually existing. I mean, what if you didn't live OOS? Nope...impossible.
Let him do what he wants and whatever happens will happen. You can explain it to your daughter if you want. I really don't see this as earth shattering since all families have "secrets' that really aren't. When my kids found out their dad had been married before and was stepdad to his first wifes child for a couple years when he was 19-22. it wasn't something they cared that much about, but I told them when they were little. I didn't even ask H about it, it's just a fact and he didn't care that much. Sometimes we BUILD things up to be bigger deals than they end up being.
Yes, it's hard to know how kids will react. One woman I know had a father that abandoned his wife as soon as he knew his wife was pregnant as he wanted nothing to do with having kids.
He showed up in her life after she was in college, wanted to be her father but when she was planning her wedding, she found out she had a sister, proud father wanted her to have a sister she never met, another daughter he didn't stick around to help raise, be her bridesmaid. She met the sister but felt no bond of any kind with her.
I really think at this point that Mom should tell her daughter if she thinks it's appropriate, and that it's going to save her anguish at a later date.
Given that the extended family not only knows but has a relationship with Nick, it's not really just the Dad's secret to keep.
Perhaps the OP can set a date at which time she's going to inform the daughter, Dad's blessing or not. Give him the motivation to do something else than to hide from it in his guilt, or whatever it is.
IMO, Mom's first priority is to keep her daughter's perceived family security intact, not to keep on enabling Dad to bury his head in the sand. I do have sympathy for Dad, it must be very hard on him, but he's the adult and his decisions could negatively impact the child who has no culpable part in this affair.
I really think at this point that Mom should tell her daughter if she thinks it's appropriate, and that it's going to save her anguish at a later date.
Given that the extended family not only knows but has a relationship with Nick, it's not really just the Dad's secret to keep.
Perhaps the OP can set a date at which time she's going to inform the daughter, Dad's blessing or not. Give him the motivation to do something else than to hide from it in his guilt, or whatever it is.
IMO, Mom's first priority is to keep her daughter's perceived family security intact, not to keep on enabling Dad to bury his head in the sand. I do have sympathy for Dad, it must be very hard on him, but he's the adult and his decisions could negatively impact the child who has no culpable part in this affair.
I have to agree. We were not given the full story- about how his family definitely has been in the boy's life and the 2 kids actually met once and that boy wonders why his father won't meet him- when we were saying it was Dad's story to tell but now we know better.
OP has responsibility to do what is best for daughter and in fact it seems Dad is actually hoping she will take the matter in her own hands. Sorry but Dad/husband sounds like an emotional weakling and will never do anything about the situation and when he is an old man will wonder why his daughter and son do not trust him or want to be around him. so sad.
Your husband is stuck emotionally, probably due to the guilt.
Please encourage him to go with you to a few sessions with a therapist.
You two need an unbiased mediator to be able to reach some resolution on when/how to tell your daughter she has a brother. And your husband needs the help of a therapist to deal with his feelings.
Make an appt and get him there
i will do my best, bul like most men, be unwilling to go. I will suggest that tonight when we have our big talk(or fight)...
thanks for all of your input, I agree, he is just burying his head in the sand about this..for the past 19 years! he should have had counseling long ago about the guilt!
Your husband is stuck emotionally, probably due to the guilt.
Please encourage him to go with you to a few sessions with a therapist.
You two need an unbiased mediator to be able to reach some resolution on when/how to tell your daughter she has a brother. And your husband needs the help of a therapist to deal with his feelings.
Make an appt and get him there
That ^
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