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I never said that I did not want to know "the truth" about anything if it related to the process of the adoption. In other words. If the child was stolen, kidnapped or had a contagious disease I would not want to turn a blind I that. I trust my intuition.
I did and do want a "closed adoption" and so do most people. For many reasons. You can speculate all you want, and in so doing you may enter the realm of fantasy. I do not want to co-mother and the three paragraphs that we were given about the man and young woman who birthed our daughter are sufficient.
To young to parent to me would be under 21. If I had my way that would be law. It would be in the best interest of children. The younger ones an the older ones. Statistically it works better.
Plain and simple.
I do think it odd that you believe open adoption to be equal to co-mothering. Seriously?? You obviously don't do much actual reading about adoption in general.
The reason I said what I did is because you and Warren state your opinions as if they were actual facts - and I do believe that, to the both of you, your opinions are how you want things to be. You always talk about Tae Hee's mother as if after giving birth, she just said something like "Yippee, I'm SO glad to be rid of this burden" and then skipped off into the sunset - even the later contact has been interpreted to your satisfaction.
If the child was stolen, kidnapped or had a contagious disease I would not want to turn a blind I that. I trust my intuition
I have never doubted that you did everything above board. It is fortunate for you that it is the government of Korea that suppresses the rights of single pregnant women so that you can ease your conscience and say "well I never did anything wrong". There are other adoptive parents who have adopted from Korea who feel differently, eg the founder of KUMSN.
I would wish that a twenty year old would have the common sense to stay in school, use birth control, and be careful when it comes to sex. I would wish that she had bigger dreams at twenty than "being a mom".
I would wish that this hypothetical very young woman would want to learn, travel, get a degree, have several jobs, date many different people, have a lot of fun - lots of laughs and late nights out, read some great books, travel more and mature to the point that she can plan a child and a family.
I would wish her a rich and beautiful life. That's what I would want and wish, if this hypothetical young woman were my daughter.
If, as you feel should be law, you forced the above "very young woman" to give up her baby for adoption, do you really think she would enjoy all the above activities? A woman must be able to make a choice without feeling pressure, whether societal, familial and financial.
I would wish that a twenty year old would have the common sense to stay in school, use birth control, and be careful when it comes to sex. I would wish that she had bigger dreams at twenty than "being a mom".
I would wish that this hypothetical very young woman would want to learn, travel, get a degree, have several jobs, date many different people, have a lot of fun - lots of laughs and late nights out, read some great books, travel more and mature to the point that she can plan a child and a family.
I would wish her a rich and beautiful life. That's what I would want and wish, if this hypothetical young woman were my daughter.
And you think you have the right to decide what is or is not right for a 20 year old. I have never been so grateful that people do not get to have their opinions made law.
I was married at 19 (still am as a matter of fact 20 years later). I was pregnant at 21 and missed giving birth at 21 by weeks. According to you, you would have had the right to take my child away from me, because you think you would have raised her better and feel that someone owes you a child because you couldn't have enough of your own. Disgusting.
Oh and as for "bigger" dreams, who are you to decide when families should begin? My daughter was raised in a comfortable, upper middle class home, by loving parents with graduate degrees and professional careers. Oh, and we have traveled, all over the world, as a family.
And that child, the one you think you should have had the right to take from me, is in a top school on an academic scholarship, and succeeding in a field where not many women do. And if she gets married young, and decides to start a family young, you and the rest of the APs will have literally ZERO say in how she raises HER child. THANK GOD.
You can speak for yourself. I believe that this is true for you. Not everyone is obsessed with biology. Others love their ACTUAL FAMILIES.
That's fine.
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The ones who raise and love them. They are not brain washed. They are content and well adjusted.
That statement ticks me off. Having an interest in my biological roots, where I came from, (not just bio parents but my ENTIRE lineage, or what I can find), does not mean I have been "brainwashed". Not a single person in my life has ever, EVER, told me one way or the other how I should feel about my biological heritage. That was MY choosing because of MY interest. It has been my interest since as far back as I can remember. Please do not use such unfair statements.
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Have no problem with those who are into DNA or Biological Relations. But not everyone is.
For our daughter, our ancestors are hers. For you it may be different. To each their own. Live and let live. Agree to disagree. And all of that good stuff.
Some people are happy WHERE THEY ARE and do not spend their lives looking backwards. They are happy with the families that they have.
This is not towards you but I am getting really sick and tired of people saying it's, "looking backwards" when anyone adopted wants to know a thing about their heritage, biology or even things about their childhood. It's ok to "remember your childhood" if it was perfect but it's NOT ok to think about your childhood if it wasn't?
Someone seeking to know where they came from is not, "looking backwards", it actually helps them MOVE FORWARD. As you would like others to understand your side, please, be a little more understanding and less defensive for those who have been adopted and their side.
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If your adoptive family was un loving or cold, I could understand this longing. Not all adoptive parents are ideal. But not all biological ones are either.
Didn't have a thing to do with it. It was merely interest, nothing more, nothing less. Please do not cheapen it by giving an out, "well, if they were cold or unloving". No! You are being extremely unfair to those who were adopted who have a MERE interest.
That statement ticks me off. Having an interest in my biological roots, where I came from, (not just bio parents but my ENTIRE lineage, or what I can find), does not mean I have been "brainwashed". Not a single person in my life has ever, EVER, told me one way or the other how I should feel about my biological heritage. That was MY choosing because of MY interest. It has been my interest since as far back as I can remember. Please do not use such unfair statements.
This is not towards you but I am getting really sick and tired of people saying it's, "looking backwards" when anyone adopted wants to know a thing about their heritage, biology or even things about their childhood. It's ok to "remember your childhood" if it was perfect but it's NOT ok to think about your childhood if it wasn't?
Someone seeking to know where they came from is not, "looking backwards", it actually helps them MOVE FORWARD. As you would like others to understand your side, please, be a little more understanding and less defensive for those who have been adopted and their side.
Didn't have a thing to do with it. It was merely interest, nothing more, nothing less. Please do not cheapen it by giving an out, "well, if they were cold or unloving". No! You are being extremely unfair to those who were adopted who have a MERE interest.
But not ALL do! It really depends on the person. My daughter does not. In fact, I think I have more of an interest in her background than she does!
She is that way with a lot things. When we moved, my son kept in touch with his friends from back in NY. My daughter? For a few months and then she deleted most of them on facebook. She's bever invited them here.
All I am saying is that not everyone is built the same way emotionally. She knows her heritage. She's Korean. There is no question about that. So that mystery that many adoptees struggle with is not there.
It has been inferred on this forum that people who were adopted who are not interested in having a relationship with the woman who gave birth to them, delving into their past, reconnecting with their long lost half siblings - have something wrong with them.
I know so many happy and well adjusted adoptees who do not have this interest. I know some adults with a minor curiosity, but who state that it would "hurt their parents too much, so it's not a big deal."
That's what people in families do sometimes.
I know so many happy and well adjusted adoptees who do not have this interest. I know some adults with a minor curiosity, but who state that it would "hurt their parents too much, so it's not a big deal."
Really -- all these "many happy and well adjusted adoptees" share their innermost thoughts with you? It's quite possible that what they say and what they feel are entirely different. Very few of even my closest friends know how I feel about my tangled family tree.
As for the adults with the "minor curiosity"? The fact that they say it would hurt their parents simply shows that they acknowledge their parents' insecurity in that role. Chances are, once those adoptive parents are gone, the adult children will choose to seek out information on their biological heritage.
I believe that you believe your daughter has no interest in her roots. Perhaps she doesn't. Perhaps she's just being a teenager and showing a natural disinterest in anything her parents WANT her to have an interest in. Perhaps when she gets married and has children of her own (biological or adopted), she'll suddenly realize that there's something *missing* and will choose then to find her roots. (Which doesn't, of course, mean that she'll ever love YOU any less, or ever see YOU as anything other than her "mother" -- just a recognition that there's another part of her life that isn't connected to you and Warren.)
Last edited by Green Irish Eyes; 12-01-2012 at 08:35 PM..
Reason: Typo - argh!
It has been inferred on this forum that people who were adopted who are not interested in having a relationship with the woman who gave birth to them, delving into their past, reconnecting with their long lost half siblings - have something wrong with them.
NOT TRUE AT ALL. Not a single one of us on here has said that those who are not interested in having a relationship with their biological families have anything wrong with them. We have however said that their parents need to make sure that they are not leading them in that direction. I don't give a stuff if anyone wants to have anything to do with their bfamily or not, as long it is purely their own decision and not because they feel guilty or feel like they are betraying anyone or because of their aparents' opinions.
However, THE OPPOSITE IS TRUE. You and your husband have inferred on this forum that people who were adopted who are interested in having a relationship with the woman who gave birth to them, delving into their past, reconnecting with their long lost half siblings - have something wrong with them. Is that fair of you to do that to us???? You've called us disgruntled, implied we are looking backwards, inferred that our aparents did a bad job in bringing us up and that is just for starters.
I would wish that a twenty year old would have the common sense to stay in school, use birth control, and be careful when it comes to sex. I would wish that she had bigger dreams at twenty than "being a mom".
I would wish that this hypothetical very young woman would want to learn, travel, get a degree, have several jobs, date many different people, have a lot of fun - lots of laughs and late nights out, read some great books, travel more and mature to the point that she can plan a child and a family.
I would wish her a rich and beautiful life. That's what I would want and wish, if this hypothetical young woman were my daughter.
That's pretty presumptuous to assume that there is only one way for a woman to have a rich and beautiful life and that you alone know what path every single woman in the world should choose to have that.
Some women don't want to travel. That doesn't mean they don't have a full life.
Some women don't want a career. That doesn't mean they are not successful
Some women don't want to date tons of guys. That doesn't mean they lack experience or can't recognize real love.
Some women are able to have fun, some late nights, read good books, travel, AND have children.
Some women marry "young" and have a wonderful life, a happy marriage, and are fantastic mothers.
Your attitude is laughable in this thinking that you know what every woman wants or should want out of life. You don't know. Your way is fine for you, but it's not the only right way, it's not the only way, and your daughter will choose her own path regardless of what you want her to do.
The idea that we should forcibly remove children from their mothers of they are under 21 is sickening. And why 21? What's so magic about that random age?
I grew up in a poor area. I knew many girls who had children at 16. This will shock you and I'm sure you won't believe me, but some of those girls- they are great moms. Was it ideal? Nope. I certainly wouldn't advocate it. But to just stereotype the entire under 21 set is ridiculous. With support and education, teens are capable if being good moms. If we spent even a fraction of the money poured into adoption on helping women keep their children, there would be a much higher success rate for teen moms. But unfortunately, too many people believe as you do and choose instead to separate a mother from her child.
And just for the record, I didn't get married or have children that young. I went to college, traveled, married, moved across the country, established a good career, and for me, the term "just a mom" and saying women should have bigger dreams is so belittling. There is nothing I could do, no greater accomplishment or bigger success, than raising my girls. I would give up my career in a heartbeat for them without a second thought. I could not have possibly dreamed that my greatest accomplishment in life would be loving my children and pouring 110% into raising them... but it is. I will never be "just a mom" even if I had no career.
1. A woman can be quite fulfilled and complete without being a mother.
2. One doesn't have to adopt a *baby* to become a mother. There are thousands of children available for adoption, but they're often overlooked because they're older, or non-white, or a member of a sibling group, etc.
3. It's not a child's responsibility to make an adult feel "complete." That's a pretty heavy burden to lay on someone who has no say in the matter, wouldn't you agree?
Regardless -- if someone's goal is simply to become a parent, there are many options that don't involve advertising and/or spending obscene amounts of money.
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An excellent post. I wanted to add that younger children, even babies, with disabilities are available and are often overlooked. We had one son and went into the adoption maze to adopt an older child and after two years of being told that every child we showed interest in wasn't right for our family for one of a million reasons, we adopted an infant with Down syndrome from a private agency where 40 of their waiting families had expressed an interest in babies with disabilities but declined. We were SO thrilled when we got the call. It was over 26 years ago and I still remember the moment we got the call like it was yesterday! Just thinking about brings back the joy and made it easier to deal with the ups and downs.
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Just thinking about brings back the joy and made it easier to deal with the ups and downs.
