Please don't tell me I was lucky to be adopted (orphanages, stories)
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I truly haven't heard anyone tell someone that they were lucky to be adopted. I don't know why someone would make such a stupid and ignorant comment. I surely understand that in a perfect world, every child would be born into the perfect home to the perfect parents who were in every way prepared and able to parent and that nothing would happen that would change that but.......
It is not a black and white issue.
Did you read the 600 or so comments on the article linked to in the original post? There she was trying to tell people not to tell her "You are lucky to be adopted" and what happens? A vast majority of the comments are from people telling her she was lucky to be adopted - proving her point. There have been a few other articles by adoptees which have received similar comments.
In real life, I've not had anyone say that to me too much. Online, it is quite common for people to say "you are lucky to be adopted - ya could have been aborted, placed in a dumpster, sold for sex" etc etc. Even domestic adoptees get that (especially the "you could have been aborted" thing).
Here is a (now closed) blog by an international adoptee explaining her feelings about adoption and loss:
Interesting article. I've often wondered how my brothers feel about being adopted. They are a sibling group and have another brother who stayed with his birth mum. I know the oldest felt very rejected by his birth mum and refused to talk to her when the other two made contact as adults (both of them felt the need to reconnect to their lost family and one even took his bio mum's surname but changed it back to our name again later on. I think they've both drifted away from her now after they found out how rude and cruel she was being to our parents). And the other two had a lot of issues growing up that may have been related to being adopted and that feeling of loss, or may have just been issues they would have had anyway, impossible to tell.
I completely disagree. I have 3 adopted kids and one bio kid plus 3 step kids.
I hate the word abandoned. Why not released or relinquished?
If a child is placed for adoption at birth there was little if any bonding with the birth mother and if she was placed in the arms of a loving and compassionate foster parentbefore permanent placement then there was no loss.
No Kudzu, how often do you really, really, really think that happens? In all the adoption cases in the whole world, how often do you think that is what actually happens?
I appreciate the links to the blog and I sent them on to my 31 year old Korean born daughter.
I can certainly see bits and pieces of our family in her own.
This is the response my daughter just sent me after she read some of the blog.
"I laughed in agreement at some of her examples, and groaned about the medical history example. Especially last year when they would ask every time I went in for tests or appointments for my mass. One nurse even said "huh, you'd think there would be a checkbox for that nowadays."
I'm usually much more sarcastic about the "where are you from?" question. I just repeatedly respond "I'm from Georgia," "it's in the south," and "Atlanta - where the 1996 Olympics were held" because if I try to give what she calls the "long answer," people usually get confused for some reason and then ask a million more questions. Yes, I've been asked if I know how to make kimchi and when I answer that I don't like it ( boyfriend loves it), they are incredulous.
In case you're wondering, you did a fine job reaching out and asking if I ever wanted to talk about Korea and culture and whatnot. I just didn't have that much of an interest. I agree with her, though, that sometimes children wonder if they can ask and they just don't, but for me, that wasn't the case. I knew I could ask and you would be supportive.
I understand what she's saying that it's both a gain and a loss, but I typically see it as just context. Everybody has something that they would consider a loss or a gain in their various backgrounds. Would you say that your army travels as a child were a loss (of stability) or a gain (of other cultures)? Would an only child say that his or her experience was a loss or a gain? I don't know if it's fair to say over and over that it's a loss or a gain when it seems much more neutral to me - just background and context and specificity that everyone has and what makes us all unique and interesting."
I would never judge another about their feelings nor would I way what feelings are right or wrong. I will say and have for a long time that it is too easy for adoptees to hang normal confusions about growing up and life on the adoption hook. I guess I would too if being adopted was my only or main definition of myself. For most adoptees it isn't.
"so you could never place a child for adoption- but you could take children from someone who did - interesting dichotomy there"
and was associated with a post I made about how brave and selfless I thought it was to place a child for adoption and that I didn't think I could do it."
I did not TAKE any child away from any family. All three of our adopted kids were placed for adoption through reputable adoption agencies by women who knew they (the children) would be better off raised elsewhere. Also the mothers probably figured out THEY would be better off without any or any more children to raise and probably in poverty.
My choice and theirs should never be compared or judged. That is the whole point. It is a CHOICE each woman should be able to make based on her own life's circumstances.
No Kudzu, how often do you really, really, really think that happens? In all the adoption cases in the whole world, how often do you think that is what actually happens?
And btw, 40 weeks of bonding is hardly nothing.
More often than you seem to think?
My sister has two children adopted in private, domestic adoptions, who were placed with her at birth. In one case she and her husband were actually in the delivery room and yes, the baby was handed directly to them. In the other they were given the baby a few hours later. I know they are not the only adoptive parents who have had this experience, so please don't act like this is a ridiculous, unlikely scenario.
My sister has two children adopted in private, domestic adoptions, who were placed with her at birth. In one case she and her husband were actually in the delivery room and yes, the baby was handed directly to them. In the other they were given the baby a few hours later. I know they are not the only adoptive parents who have had this experience, so please don't act like this is a ridiculous, unlikely scenario.
Private, domestic, American adoptions are hardly the norm *worldwide* which is what I was pointing out - worldwide. If you consider all the adoptions from foster care, and all the international adoptions (about 1/4 of all adoptions worldwide) - again, how often do you think that's the norm?
how often do you really, really, really think that happens?
implies that you think it's really, really, really unheard-of.
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