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We have some friends that are trying to adopt a baby. They don't have any children and have tried infertility treatments unsuccessfully. They have experienced several failed adoptions where a woman pretends to be pregnant or uses them to pay for her pregnancy.
I know they have tried foster care, international, and domestic adoption. It does not surprise me that foster care adoption does not work. We have numerous news stories on TV detailing the problems of our local foster care agency. I've also read many stories about a international treaty closing international agencies and countries. I'm not sure what to think about their domestic adoption. It would seem to me that their agencies should assist them more to weed out difficult adoptions.
We have watched their struggles to become parents for the better part of a decade and I have to wonder does adoption work? It is becoming increasing difficult to witness their suffering and I wonder if there is anything we can do to assist them without adding to their burden?
We have some friends that are trying to adopt a baby. They don't have any children and have tried infertility treatments unsuccessfully. They have experienced several failed adoptions where a woman pretends to be pregnant or uses them to pay for her pregnancy.
I know they have tried foster care, international, and domestic adoption. It does not surprise me that foster care adoption does not work. We have numerous news stories on TV detailing the problems of our local foster care agency. I've also read many stories about a international treaty closing international agencies and countries. I'm not sure what to think about their domestic adoption. It would seem to me that their agencies should assist them more to weed out difficult adoptions.
We have watched their struggles to become parents for the better part of a decade and I have to wonder does adoption work? It is becoming increasing difficult to witness their suffering and I wonder if there is anything we can do to assist them without adding to their burden?
In my experience, it worked. Where as infertility treatments did not work.
It took us a year to conceive our son by birth. The month that I became pregnant, I had stopped taking Clomid, a fertility drug.
I started "trying" to get pregnant again when our son was finished nursing. He weened himself.
I was under treatment by a reproductive endocrinologist. I joined an infertility support group. I found it depressing.
So I decided that what I wanted was a second child - not a pregnancy. Through adoption, done right; you will have a child. I went to an adoption agency that we found in a phone book.
We asked for the fastest program where we could adopt a child under one year. For this agency, that country was Korea. It suited us well because we had a son and we wanted a daaughter. They let people with a child or children of one gender chose.
Korean adoptions are closed. The mothers typically want to put this mistake behind them. We agree with that. They want to go on with their lives in privacy. We wanted privacy also.
We wanted a younger child. We got a four month old baby.
Once I gave up the dream of being pregnant again ( I loved being pregnant) and passing my genetic information on to my child - that is, having a child who looks like us, shares our heritage and was related by blood, adoption was a veritable sure shot to a second child.
Not all adoptions are created equally, however. Adopting older children domestically often involves continued contact with family members. Even with the parents who abused their children. We did not want that. Not for one moment.
It is also possible to adopt children internationally who are over one year.
Most adoptions are not fraught with drama and confusion. For me, those two words really describe infertility treatments better than they do adoption.
I wish your friends the best of luck.
If you or your friends have further questions about adoption, send me a direct message.
OP, it is good that you are concerned about your friends' struggle. The best thing you can do for them is to lend a supportive ear, and a shoulder to cry on, if and when they need one. Don't worry about providing them with adoption-related information; if they've been doing this for the better part of a decade, I feel quite confident that they have already found it on their own.
Yes, adoption does work; one look at my two adorable children (both adopted from South Korea) will tell you that. But the key, in my opinion, is to find a reputable agency and work with them. They shouldn't go it alone, and they shouldn't be put in a position to fall for any birth-mother sob stories. That's what the agency will do, be their intermediaries so that they (your friends) keep a hands-off distance.
After your friends locate an agency that they can trust, they should tell the agency worker exactly what it is that they want, and don't want, in an adoption. A reputable agency will first of all tell them if what they want is possible or realistic. Then, if your friends decide to go with them, the agency will do a lot of "hand holding" as they go through the process. If your friends have rose-colored glasses on, they will need to take them off. They should approach the whole thing like a business transaction -- one that will take well over a year to complete -- with a cold-blooded determination to forge through the process and see it through to completion.
Your friends will need lots of patience, lots of money, lots of time to fill out lots of forms, and lots of willingness to let their lives be an open book to "nosy" social workers and government bureaucrats. The adoption process ranks somewhere just barely above a root canal -- a long, drawn out root canal -- in terms of enjoyability. But at the end of it all, the reward is a child to call their own.
OP, it is good that you are concerned about your friends' struggle. The best thing you can do for them is to lend a supportive ear, and a shoulder to cry on, if and when they need one. Don't worry about providing them with adoption-related information; if they've been doing this for the better part of a decade, I feel quite confident that they have already found it on their own.
Yes, adoption does work; one look at my two adorable children (both adopted from South Korea) will tell you that. But the key, in my opinion, is to find a reputable agency and work with them. They shouldn't go it alone, and they shouldn't be put in a position to fall for any birth-mother sob stories. That's what the agency will do, be their intermediaries so that they (your friends) keep a hands-off distance.
After your friends locate an agency that they can trust, they should tell the agency worker exactly what it is that they want, and don't want, in an adoption. A reputable agency will first of all tell them if what they want is possible or realistic. Then, if your friends decide to go with them, the agency will do a lot of "hand holding" as they go through the process. If your friends have rose-colored glasses on, they will need to take them off. They should approach the whole thing like a business transaction -- one that will take well over a year to complete -- with a cold-blooded determination to forge through the process and see it through to completion.
Your friends will need lots of patience, lots of money, lots of time to fill out lots of forms, and lots of willingness to let their lives be an open book to "nosy" social workers and government bureaucrats. The adoption process ranks somewhere just barely above a root canal -- a long, drawn out root canal -- in terms of enjoyability. But at the end of it all, the reward is a child to call their own.
Any suggestions I can give them for finding a reputable agency and an ethical social worker? My husband, the attorney, is concerned that the adoption agency/social worker are preying upon these couple.
Sometimes yes and sometimes no. I think it depends entirely on the adoptive parents, the bio parents, AND the child. I am an adoptive parent, and I found to my sorrow that genetics definitely DO play a large part in a child's temperament. Unfortunately, you just have to read and listen to the news to know that a significant number of adoptions go terribly, TERRIBLY wrong. If the child is an infant and the adoptive parents are fairly young (like under 35), adoption has a much better chance.
I definitely would not advise anyone to adopt a child over 18 months old unless they already have a LOT of parenting experience (biological and/or adoptive) and, to repeat, are under the age of 35. I know your friends are looking to adopt an infant (and I sincerely wish them good luck with that), but sometimes people will consider older children out of desperation. We were 44 and 41 when we adopted our two children after a year of fostering (then six and four), who had been severely neglected by their bio mom; and we experienced a LOT of heartbreak. (I have written my story in many other threads, so I do not intend to possibly bore others with my story again.)
Please understand, though, that I am NOT saying that adopting older children is always an EXTREMELY difficult experience, but people who adopt older children do generally have a MUCH tougher road -- and that is based on everything I have read, plus hearing the personal stories of other people, not just my own experience.
And please take bus man's advice above. I could not agree with him more!
Any suggestions I can give them for finding a reputable agency and an ethical social worker? My husband, the attorney, is concerned that the adoption agency/social worker are preying upon these couple.
Ask around. Start with people who have adopted, then narrow the focus to people who have done the same type of adoption as they are looking for. Haunt the various adoption-related internet forums out there and see what people are saying.
I told you who I went with via private message, and I would recommend that agency -- or at least the branch of that agency that is located in my state. At the time we were adopting, there were only three agencies in Maryland that were eligible to do Korean adoption. We met with them all, and came away with "warm fuzzies" only from the one agency that we ultimately went with. The other two didn't seem bad, per se, but there was enough uncertainty in our minds as to how they would fit WITH US, that we opted not to go with them.
When they meet with the social worker, make sure that their questions are answered to their satisfaction. (They don't have to LIKE the answers, but they do need to be given answers.) Here's a little trick they might use: say that they're willing to adopt from Countries X and Y, but absolutely no way from Country Z. Ask the social worker about adoptions from all three countries, and pay close attention to how they answer for Country Z. If they seem to be pushing Country Z, or downplaying known issues with that country, or ignoring their concerns, that could be a red flag that they're more interested in your money than they are in doing what's right for all concerned.
Oh, and related to the above: yes, adoption agencies are businesses like any other, and they need to make money (or at least cover their costs). Expect there to be lots and lots of expenses, and don't expect them to be lowered or waived out of any sense of altruism. One is NOT "buying a baby" when adopting, but simply paying the costs to facilitate the process. It's the same as paying for the costs to deliver a baby (for the services of the doctor, nurse, anesthesiologist, hospital, etc.) does not equate to "buying a baby" from the hospital.
I contacted Catholic Charities of Maryland and specifically asked about Korean adoption. Catholic Charities referred me to Holt International, stating that Holt was their partner for Korean adoption. The Holt case-worker stated that the maximum age for the Korean adoption program is 44 years and 8 months. It was unclear as to who set that age cutoff. The case-worker stated it was the agency's policy. The agency is based in the US (Eugene, OR) and the case-worker stated that couples older than 44 years and 8 months "do not have the energy to chase toddlers around." The case-worker also stated that one person in the family should have dual citizenship (US and South Korean) and hold both US and Korean passports. Again, the agency policy was do ensure that the adopted child have connections to it's birth culture.
My conversation with this international adoption agency left me confused. Holt International Adoptions is a US based company operating on US soil (Eugene, OR) and I don't understand why age discrimination laws don't apply. I specifically asked was this Korea's law requiring this and the case-worker stated that is was the agency's policy. I don't know what to say about the "energy requirement." I've seen 20 year old not having enough energy to chase toddlers, so I really think that is a poor excuse to apply to 40 year olds.
The whole dual-citizenship requirement also left me confused. The US requires you to renounce any past citizenship(s) or allegiances prior to becoming a US citizen. I don't understand how any US couples could comply with this policy.
I also have to tell you that the discussion with the adoption agency felt like I was talking to a "used car salesman" than someone who was trying to help couples bring children into their family. Given that I was disturbed by this simple phone call, I cannot imagine how awful a childless couples would feel talking to this agency.
I also thought that $3000 for a home-study was excessive. And in our friend's adoption journey they had to pay for one home-study per year. I'm not sure why? Per my husband, our state laws require home-studies once every five year provided you have not moved, had a child, been arrested, or had a life changing event(divorced, remarried, etc). None of these events have happened in our friend's life, so I have to question both the costs involved and the frequency of repeating a home-study.
Why are home-studies so expense and so frequent?
I understand that business have expenses, but usually you pay for a service and then receive the service before you pay for the service again. Again, from the outside, witnessing our friend's struggle to adopt, it appear that the adoption agency is preying upon childless couples.
I apologize to the group for not understanding the adoption process better.
Korea adoptions are smooth and drama free. You do NOT need to work with an agency in your area. The agency we worked with works in all 50 states.
If anyone wants the name, we would be happy to provide it. Posting might be against the Terms of Service.
I'm glad to see that others have had positive experiences with South Korea and with adoption in general.
Don't believe all of the horror stories. And for pittie's sake, to not get pulled into birth mama drama. If an agency or attorney wants a birth mother to select you, the customer; from a catalog, there is something very wrong. You are paying for adoption services, not the teenage pregnant woman. Same goes for open adoption. That term refers to continued contact with the biological family.
We wanted our own family. No strangers. And it worked out well. Out two kids are very close.
Our daughter will graduate from HS this spring, with honors. She has many friends. She is vice president of her class. Next year she will go on to attend a well known and very competitive university.
Adoption did work for us. However, we knew what we wanted and did not want. We did not want involvement with the woman who birthed our child or with any other relatives.
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