We wanted to adopt from US foster care but... (inexpensive, birth certificate, newborn)
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
What I understood Sheena12 to say was that children were not available until age 10. That is pretty much the standard UNLESS you are willing to fost/adopt and in that case, you'll see the child possibly go back and forth to a birth parent or the child may return to the birth parent or other family member.
I don't actually remember reading anything bad about foster care in this thread but there are a lot of horror stories that make the news. I have known people that were in the foster care system. I have also inquired about children that had been placed in "permanent foster care" because the foster parents did not want to give up the child but also did not want to adopt them and in both cases, these were children with Down syndrome. "Permanent" foster care equals "I don't want the checks to stop." And, actually they probably would have qualified for subsidies but then, they would have a child with Down syndrome versus a foster with Down syndrome. I thought this was so wrong. We were proven parents of a child with Down syndrome and had an approved homestudy.
One more: We adopted through a facilitator for babies and children with Down syndrome after messing around with the state for 3 years, finding out that our home study was never sent to Topeka but had just been sitting in a file cabinet so we would never have gotten any referrals. The private agency learned of a baby that they were not able to take in at the time with Down syndrome, a little baby boy, they called us and asked if we would be ready for another and if so, they would go to court in Missouri and ask if they could take custody of the baby as they had a family, us. The state refused and the baby went into foster care.
Gosh, we were lied to about children being placed and then see them in the newspaper or on the TV as still waiting for a home some months later. We were told by our 1st state social worker when we asked about a little deaf and blind 5 year boy that since our older child was a bright, she just couldn't see us having a child with special needs. Funny, I saw in the library after we adopted our son with Down syndrome. We did just fine and continue to do so.
SO MANY good people try to adopt and get nothing but shrugged off. It is sad too because the children never realize that people are asking about them, they saw them on TV or in the newspaper and thought it would be great to add that child to their family. The children never know that people do want to adopt them but "stuff" gets in the way.
How long ago were your experiences?
And again, you are judging social workers on what they do/have to do without having any real idea what goes on behind the scenes. Are there terrible social workers? Yes. Are there social workers who are burnt out and hate their jobs? Yes. Are there social workers that are doing the very best they can for the kids in the system, a system that is overburdened and broke? Absolutely, yes. Are there a maze of laws, rules, and stipulations that may prevent a good family from being matched with the right kid? Yes.
The system is changing, but it is still a mess. It is different in every state, but they are all overburdened and they all have specific rules they have to follow. And you know why they are overburdened and it takes forever for things to change? Money. Legislators don't want to spend money on preventative programs, or on children. No one wants their taxes to go up. No one wants to pay any more money for anything. Foster care is dealing with a symptom, it is not a cure.
If you have been frustrated with the foster-adopt system I hope you will make your voice heard in your state whenever legislation or budget cuts come up, I hope you will make a pest of yourself to your representatives, I hope you will volunteer for CASA, in shelters, for Big Brother/Big Sister, in after school programs, I hope you will do everything in your power to advocate. But if you just throw your hands up and walk away, you're really not doing anything to help the system you are complaining about.
TWIS, I'm sorry you had a bad experience, but do you really think social work and the foster system is exactly the same as it was when you went through it? How many years, how many decades ago was that?
Social workers do have a lot to learn, which is why the best of them are doing - and have been doing - the best they can to change the system from within. The foster system has changed a lot in just the last ten years, because those who work in social services are still learning.
I know a number of social workers, and there's a reason why they adopt internationally. The system, plain and simple. It's very close to what Sheena described, and until it actually changes, people are going to shy away from it.
You're in social work? Well my experience as a child coming from one of these less than stellar families, shall we call them, trumps social worker experience.
The very LAST THING I needed was a visit from the piles of trash who did what they did, over and over and over and over again because the social workers wanted to keep the family together, after I finally got free of them and got adopted. THAT'S THE LAST FRICKEN THING I NEEDED OR WANTED.
I was old enough to know them. I was four. I knew them, I knew their names, I knew what they did. People try to pretend that kids don't have memories before the age of 4...baloney. I remember very early incidents.
It doesn't matter if "grandma loved her children", when you adopt, especially from situations that are bad, you do NOT subject that child to anyone in that family again. When they are older, they can then seek them out, but do NOT screw them up any more than they are by making them stay in contact with any member of the family they were from.
Social workers have a LOT to learn.
I have to post this again. Has anyone read Three Wolves in the Snow's personal account?
I think it is powerfully sad.
We looked into adopting two more children from US foster care in Ohio, last September. We were not seeking financial recompense. We did not want to fost-adopt. We wanted to adopt.
We have a daughter who is 18 and was adopted from South Korea. It was a closed adoption and it has worked beautifully for us. She is going to a highly competitive university in Massachusetts in the Fall. Her bother is biological and attends a highly selective college in Vermont. They are very close. They have many friends and are happy, and productive young adults.
We felt that we had so much more to give to other children and we were not yet ready for the empty nest. We thought two more children would really round out our family. We have the resources, love, and devotion to give to more children.
However, we were not seeking to continue an ongoing relationship with the birth family, nor did we want to "co-parent" children.
If the children were removed from the home - why would I want these same people IN my home?
It makes no sense.
If we do pursue adoption, it will be an international adoption.
How many mixed messages can the system give to children? "Your parent is violent, dangerous, addicted, a sexual deviant (fill in the blank - all add all of the above) We don't think you should live with her anymore. You should live with these other people who will take good care of you, but you still need to have a relationship with the parent we took you away from"??? HUH???
Moonbeam 33: We adopted in 1986 in KS. We moved to AZ and tried to work with the state there and we got a couple of referrals but the children had been seriously abused and exhibited behaviors that we did not think we could deal with having other children in our home. I won't detail the info. We had asked about one 7 year old but since he was Hispanic, there had to be specific "stuff" to go through since we were not Hispanic. Before the paper work could go through and we could get approval, he had an incident which put him into residential care and he was put on hold. We left the state the next year.
Yes, I heard about how everything was changing and we returned to KS about 9 years ago and probably 7 years ago, we decided to look at adopting again. Calls were not answered. When I contacted my elected officials, I finally got a call. It was all the same from that point. One child, an older boy with Down syndrome, was in a home where they didn't want him to be adopted but wanted to continue to foster him and they got their wish. Permanent foster care.
In 1984 when we first started and because of the events, there was a congressional investigation due to my complaint. Yes, I have written and called. I have spent so much time and energy but no one cares. They just don't care. I can't make them care. I just feel sorry for families that go into adoption, see those children on TV or in the newspaper, go through the decision that they want to do it and realize that they cannot break these children free from the system. These people are criticized when they choose foreign adoption.
We adopted our son when he was 4 weeks old. Had he have went into foster care with the state, he would probably still be there as a ward of the state. We adopted privately so there were no subsidies and we were never expecting there to be but money can lock children in place when the families don't want to give up the check.
Don't tell me about funding. Our son is with Down syndrome will be 29 years old next month. I care for him 24/7. That is whole huge other issue of why that is happening. State workers were nothing but dead weight in this issue too though.
The system is still broken but as long as everyone gets a paycheck..............We did have a good social worker when we left the state and went with a United Way funded agency. We had a child within 3 months and had a referral for 2 others and this was after waiting for almost 3 years with the state.
I am 60 years old now. We would be more than capable of bringing in older children with special needs and providing them with a home. I have the love, experience and the energy to do this but what I don't have is the ability to deal with the horror of the frustrations of trying to break children out of the system. I still remember the ones that I could not get them to return calls about.
I have to post this again. Has anyone read Three Wolves in the Snow's personal account?
I think it is powerfully sad.
So do I. I have no idea how representative Three Wolves' experience is, but I can't help but think that it's not atypical. Does anyone listen? Does anyone understand that so-called "family reunification" is often NOT "in the best interest of the child"? Does anyone care? Why must children suffer so that their biological "parents" (and I use that term VERY loosely) can continue to abuse them while they spend years and years "getting their life together"? It's heartbreaking.
Quote:
Originally Posted by sheena12
However, we were not seeking to continue an ongoing relationship with the birth family, nor did we want to "co-parent" children.
If the children were removed from the home - why would I want these same people IN my home?
It makes no sense.
My thoughts exactly. And this is why so many good people are scared away from the foster-care system, and left childless while the kids whom they wanted to adopt and raise and love are instead left to languish and suffer.
Yes, I know that there are success stories out there. I know from personal experience that there are social workers who care, and who will try their darnedest to make it work. But the deck is stacked against them. It shouldn't be that way.
In my opinion, continuing to try to force a child to have a relationship with a parent who TERRIBLY abused and/or neglected them is like continuing to force the child to have a relationship with a relative who raped him or her. (And, yes, I do know that sometimes it is the parent who does the raping.)
Yes, I do agree that adopted or foster children should feel free to talk about their birth parents and to even have visits with them if the abuse or neglect was not actually horrific, but in the cases where the abuse/neglect WAS horrific, than in my opinion, social workers just add to the abuse and psychological damage these children have already suffered when they try to reunite the bio parents with their children before they finally give up (in the cases where the bio parents simply either cannot or will not be "rehabilitated").
We adopted two U.S. half-siblings in 1998 after fostering them beginning in 1996, and what Sheena described in her opening statement was very similar to our experience. And despite what Moonbeam said -- although I do agree with most of Moonbeams post -- I think that potential foster/adoptive parents SHOULD be warned or even scared because -- believe me! -- nothing can prepare someone for what is in store when she or he adopts an older child who has been removed from a biological parent! If someone cannot handle the horror stories of strangers or the fact that the bio parent(s) will ALWAYS be part of the children who are adopted, then they certainly cannot handle the reality of what is to come.
I want to make clear that I never said that I wanted to erase the memories (although in some cases, it might not be a bad idea, if that were even possible) or to censor anything that my children say. My children are free to discuss anything that they want.
Our daughter's bio mother was a student in high school with plans to go to college. She had no interest in raising a baby. It was an accident. Her bio father and she, according to papers that we have, argued constantly and the relationship was on it's last legs before the pregnancy.
The bio mom left the hospital several days after giving birth and went on with her life. There never was a family.
My daughter was transferred to a foster family. For legal reasons she was given a name there and the last name of the foster mother - who did this as a career. So many babies passed through her doors. We have erased nothing. The agency gave us a photograph of a grandmotherly looking woman holding our daughter. We have it in her baby book.
We never felt any need to light a candle for the birth mother. We think she did the right thing in relinquishing her baby for adoption. She was not prepared and she wanted to continue her education and to break up with the boyfriend. The feelings were mutual.
My point is, there never was a family.
My other point is that in cases of egregious abuse, if children were removed earlier - they would not be subjected to additional trauma. Even in supervised visits, I can not imagine the psychological trauma of being forced to have a conversation with a person who has raped or beaten you.
I think the US Foster care system needs to examine the idea of a new paradigm. No. Not go back to the days of the Orphan Trains. Or what we are doing now.
I also think that out of the adoption triad - some consideration and respect must be afforded to the adoptive parents. More to the child, who should be at the center of this. And, yes, I am going to say it - less to the biological parents.
My cousin adopted twins through foster care. She was asked to take them in when they were 2 months old and one had a cracked skull. She adopted them shortly after their 1st birthday. Not until they were 10? No, not true.
Both of them were "developmentally delayed" but now that they are 4, they are caught up to their peers.
My cousin is a single mom, barely makes enough to get by... and is white. Adopted two African American twins. She blows the heck out of everything I thought I knew about the foster system. Each story in foster is unique.
She was a foster mom to 100s of children over the years. Had a daughter thru invitro (and was married, but husband couldn't "contribute"). Long story short, husband became an accused sex offender (he was innocent), od'd and it was only a couple months later that her babies came into her home.
I don't know how she does it. I couldn't, but kudos to her.
My point is that it CAN be done. But you have to be willing to work for it
TWIS, I'm sorry you had a bad experience, but do you really think social work and the foster system is exactly the same as it was when you went through it? How many years, how many decades ago was that?
Social workers do have a lot to learn, which is why the best of them are doing - and have been doing - the best they can to change the system from within. The foster system has changed a lot in just the last ten years, because those who work in social services are still learning.
The system is almost identical to what it was back then. It's all about birth parents rights, to hell with the kids.
So do I. I have no idea how representative Three Wolves' experience is, but I can't help but think that it's not atypical. Does anyone listen? Does anyone understand that so-called "family reunification" is often NOT "in the best interest of the child"? Does anyone care? Why must children suffer so that their biological "parents" (and I use that term VERY loosely) can continue to abuse them while they spend years and years "getting their life together"? It's heartbreaking.
My thoughts exactly. And this is why so many good people are scared away from the foster-care system, and left childless while the kids whom they wanted to adopt and raise and love are instead left to languish and suffer.
Yes, I know that there are success stories out there. I know from personal experience that there are social workers who care, and who will try their darnedest to make it work. But the deck is stacked against them. It shouldn't be that way.
This is what I got when social workers waited it out for the "family to get their act together":
A broken arm when I was thrown across the room.
Burns.
Scars from more beatings that would not have happened.
Locked in a closet for four months. That's where I lived, you know, while social workers waited on the piles of trash to "get it together" to "keep the family together".
I got lucky. I got adopted. My other siblings did not.
Let's see what they won:
In an effort to "keep that family together":
One was molested by the sperm donor.
One was burned, repeatedly, with cigarettes on his face and arms whenever the "poor bio mom who needs to be thought of in times like this" got mad.
This same one took the brunt of everything I used to get before I got adopted out.
Where are they today?
The older siblings have had more fricken marriages and divorces than I can shake a stick at.
One is a fricken alcoholic because he still can't handle it, to this day.
One is a drug addict, and so fricken messed up because he got to be abused his entire childhood.
One is so emotionally scarred from a mother who would do things like this:
Sister comes home from school, shares story how someone told her how pretty her hair was.
Dear old mom SHAVED IT ALL OFF.
Dear old mom called this girl a sl** and a wh*** when the sperm donor molested this girl. Repeatedly.
Dear old mom beat the crap out of this girl emotionally, manipulations, lies, stories she convinced others were real, for her entire childhood.
How about dear old dad? He used to hang dogs from the neighborhood from the roof, to scare us.
He used to tell us to go to a back bedroom to wait for our punishment, and then he would stomp down that hallway as hard as he could, and at the last second, veer off to another room, laughing maniacally. He would do this over and over and over and over and over and over and over again. When he did finally come, it wasn't a talk, it wasn't a scolding, it was a hellacious beating. Tell me that would not petrify the snot out of a 3, 4, 5, 6 year old child. But hey, 'let's try to keep the family together, it's in the best interest of the child'.
I could write for three days straight telling you things that happened, and you still wouldn't have even gotten past the tip of that iceberg....all because social workers thought it "best" to "keep the family together" and waited and waited and waited for the family to "get their act together".
Thanks SO MUCH for that. Thanks a TON. WE ALL REALLY APPRECIATE THAT. /sarc
The children have no voice. The parents aren't doing their jobs, they can't protect themselves, they are CHILDREN. They need someone to protect them, THEM, not the POS parents.
The idiots who ask a potential adopter if she would be able to have lunch with someone who put their child in a body cast are fricken lunatics, certifiably INSANE to EVER think that's a good idea, or remotely acceptable.
Yes, duh, kids are curious. They want to know where they came from, who do they look like. They are constantly reminded when they go to the doctor that they don't KNOW their medical history. There is the issue of knowing you are not from the family who adopted you, no matter how good those parents are. There is confusion: why did this happen to me? Why was I thrown away? Of course those things happen. But if any social worker thinks that those things are worse than having to have lunch with the hag who put the child in a full body cast, (using the example given in OP), they need to turn in their social worker card and find another job, FAR away from children.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
