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Also, I would not have or adopt a child to have a brother or sister for another child.
I would suggest doing a lot of reading on adoption. Learn about the process. It is no way easy and not quick. We adopted an infant with Down syndrome when my older was 9 1/2. We had tried to adopt a special needs/older child through the state, but after almost 2 years, they didn't have our homestudy complete. It was filed and they forgot it. We changed to an agency that had a sliding scale fee and was based on special needs/older children. We signed up with a list of parents that were looking for a child with Down syndrome, got a call from a private agency in our state about a baby. The rest is history.
They really examine the families closely. A lot of people are not comfortable with that. I think most, if not all states, require a course be taken on parenting, yeah, they don't care if you are already a parent.
The idea that adopting an older child would be easier than dealing with a baby is going to an eye opener.
I have been re-evaluating the idea of having more kids. I have a 10 year old and I am starting to regret not having more children especially for the child's sake. It gets lonely and having other kids around would just make things better.
I think about the idea of actually giving birth to another child and frankly it was a horrible experience. I can think of a lot of perks of adopting a child vs having another child on my own. In my situation where I have already had the experience of giving birth to a child, would it not be better to try and help a child already out there needing a family vs bringing another person in to this world just because?
I am not set in anything for 100% sure at this time, but want to consider all options. If I did consider adopting a child I would want to adopt a child around the age of 7-11. Anyone have any suggestions as things I should read, know or consider before making a decision to try and adopt an older child?
I think you have gotten good advice but one thing I wanted to ask.
Children through adoption, are people's "own children". It is clear you meant the title of the thread in a non-offensive way, but it might be phrasing you wish to avoid if you do choose to adopt your own children in the future.
I have been re-evaluating the idea of having more kids. I have a 10 year old and I am starting to regret not having more children especially for the child's sake. It gets lonely and having other kids around would just make things better.
I think about the idea of actually giving birth to another child and frankly it was a horrible experience. I can think of a lot of perks of adopting a child vs having another child on my own. In my situation where I have already had the experience of giving birth to a child, would it not be better to try and help a child already out there needing a family vs bringing another person in to this world just because?
I am not set in anything for 100% sure at this time, but want to consider all options. If I did consider adopting a child I would want to adopt a child around the age of 7-11. Anyone have any suggestions as things I should read, know or consider before making a decision to try and adopt an older child?
You've gotten some pretty solid advice. I'd just add that if you consider adoption, the comments you've made within your post would likely turn off a social worker or agency. I say this because they are looking for families (esp. in older adoptions) who want another child because they want to grow their family. Helping children is good, but the red flag for them would be that once you adopt, you can't give the child back...if you are helping children, it isn't as permanent, so I see where your husband is coming from.
Adoption was a great choice for me and my husband, and we too are thinking of adopting a second child, but make no mistake, it's parenthood regardless of how the child comes into your home; and, adopting an older child requires a much harder commitment, initially, than one may realize and that "sibling" you want for your current child just might make him/her resentful, even if only temporary.
I recommend that you sit-in on some local foster/adoption classes in your area to get a feel for what's it's like to adopt an older child and what the process is. If you are considering private adoption, other than a foreign adoption, an older child would not be an option like in foster care.
Adopting a child primarily to give your biological child a sibling would not work. Your child is 10 years old. Adoption will likely take at least 2 years and probably more. At that time your child will be going through puberty and life as you know it will be VERY DIFFERENT. There will be days when you look under the bed trying to find the kid you once knew and loved. Who is this new creature and what did they do with my kid?
Also you have to realize, like it or not, any older child is going to have had or still have some family somewhere. You simply cannot break all ties , especially emotional ones, with family of origin. You may not actually see and be in contact with the original family but the child will have thoughts, memories and even fears of the original family which have to be dealt with. 99% of kids in foster care have been taken from their families because of abuse and neglect. Things like that determine the personality and frame of reference for every child.
Having said that, there are so many kids in foster care who need love and care. Just educate yourselves and especially your birth child about exactly what will be changing in your family.
My husband and I were 35 and 42 when we had our birth child, 37 and 44 when we adopted our second child and 55 and 63 when we adopted numbers 3 and 4.
I have 2 children, one I gave birth to, and one through adoption, from China. Some days I honestly forget which is which. They are both my children.
Please don't go into adoption because you thinking you are helping a child out. As someone said, there are missionary trips for that. My daughter has given more to me than I could ever give to her.
Spend some time talking with families with children through adoption and a social worker. Do not do it if you are not 100 percent on board.
To some people, blood lines are very important. To others, they are a non-issue. The latter group will find it much easier to accept an adopted child as their own.
I'm in the latter group. I couldn't care less about blood lines. In fact, my wife and I like to joke (when the kids are out of earshot) that we're glad they aren't biologically related to us, because if they were then they'd be at risk of inheriting some of our less-desirable physical characteristics (such as my receding hairline, or my wife's poor vision).
But, that said, I will not criticize anyone in the other group. We all have things that are important to us, and for some people it is very important to have one's own blood flow through the veins of their children.
OP, if you decide to move forward with this, I would feel your husband out about this. Maybe he hasn't given it much thought, and it was just a knee-jerk reaction. But it may well be that his internal definition of "family" includes children who are biologically related to their parents. If so, that alone may make adoption a non-starter in your family.
I understand what you mean about an adopted child not having family characteristics. My daughter through adoption is very athletic, we joke that we had to get out of our gene pool to finally get an athlete in the family.
I understand what you mean about an adopted child not having family characteristics. My daughter through adoption is very athletic, we joke that we had to get out of our gene pool to finally get an athlete in the family.
Same with us! My husband and I are both in very writing focused careers, our son (through adoption) is a math genius and super athletic. And I'm a tiny petite person and our daughter (also adopted) is a beautiful very tall thin person who excels at art.
One of my favorite things about adoption is our children's differences from us.
Klmrocks....we adopted identical twins just shy of their Sixth birthday....they were 1 week into kindergarten. You have to be prepared....these children aren't in the adoption system because their lives were all rainbows and puppies. Most likely they've been abused, abandoned and maybe even exposed to horrors you can't imagine. These atrocities may have been perpetrated by birth families, the foster system or both. Adopting an older child may mean dealing with birth families.....the older child will know they had another life....they maybe attached to other siblings. There may also be undiagnosed mental issues.....How will your son feel towards a new sibling who may require extreme amounts of your time. Don't have stars in your eyes......it's work.....hard work......trust issues, discipline issues, counseling, school issues. Older children need love too but they do come with their own unique challenges and you have no way to know that child's challenges until you really know that child. We didn't have other children to consider in our home but you will really need to do your preparation for all of your sakes. Get some counseling before hand for you and your son....really evaluate your motives and expectations for both of you. Adoption can be a wonderful journey but it's a journey with many unknowns and many sidetrips.......just like every parents journey with their children. But please.....if you are going to adopt don't go to a foreign country....there are too many children here who need a loving home....and dss or cps whatever they are called in your area may help with costs
Klmrocks....we adopted identical twins just shy of their Sixth birthday....they were 1 week into kindergarten. You have to be prepared....these children aren't in the adoption system because their lives were all rainbows and puppies. Most likely they've been abused, abandoned and maybe even exposed to horrors you can't imagine. These atrocities may have been perpetrated by birth families, the foster system or both. Adopting an older child may mean dealing with birth families.....the older child will know they had another life....they maybe attached to other siblings. There may also be undiagnosed mental issues.....How will your son feel towards a new sibling who may require extreme amounts of your time. Don't have stars in your eyes......it's work.....hard work......trust issues, discipline issues, counseling, school issues. Older children need love too but they do come with their own unique challenges and you have no way to know that child's challenges until you really know that child. We didn't have other children to consider in our home but you will really need to do your preparation for all of your sakes. Get some counseling before hand for you and your son....really evaluate your motives and expectations for both of you. Adoption can be a wonderful journey but it's a journey with many unknowns and many sidetrips.......just like every parents journey with their children. But please.....if you are going to adopt don't go to a foreign country....there are too many children here who need a loving home....and dss or cps whatever they are called in your area may help with costs
I was very impressed with your post UNTIL the bolded. Don't you think children in other countries deserve loving homes too? I'm so sick of folks throwing rocks at those of us who adopted internationally. Especially when they throw in the old saw about all the kids here who need homes. Of course there are children all over the world who need loving homes. Where prospective parents go to find their children is a very personal matter and not one to be criticized. There are many elements to consider like time, costs, ages of the parents and the children, preferences, etc.
No kudzu.....I in no way meant to throw stones at those who choose to love a child from abroad and I am truly horrifred that I insulted you or anyone else. Please accept my earnest apology. I just wanted to make a point that there are alternetives to expensive international adoption. We just couldn't afford the costs. If we had known about dss adoption and subsidies and help with court costs we could have adopted sooner......I just wanted to be sure people know there are options where your state can help. Adoption is a long process and God bless you and your family for choosing adoption and I applaud the fortutude it takes to go the international route and your conviction of heart to see it through. Sadly there are way too many children world wide who need loving stable homes. May they all find that dream one day again, please accept my apology and thank you for showing me another way to look at international adoption
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