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A very beautiful and sincere apology and i certainly accept it. It's a touchy subject to many of us who have adopted internationally. We are often criticized for going overseas to adopt with "so many children in foster care here who need to be adopted." Yes there are many in foster care but not all are available for adoption.
What is lost is that , of course, most of us would rather adopt domestically before going overseas. Some even accuse us of going the cheap route not realizing how much more expensive it is to adopt internationally. Some accuse us of trying to copy celebrities who have adopted internationally. Some accuse us of using international children like fashion accessories.
The truth is adoption, no matter where we seek our children, is a personal choice and each adoption is different.
I'm very glad your family is together and that it has worked out well for you.
I was very impressed with your post UNTIL the bolded.
Quote:
Originally Posted by pleasantgirl
No kudzu.....I in no way meant to throw stones at those who choose to love a child from abroad and I am truly horrifred that I insulted you or anyone else. Please accept my earnest apology.
Pleasantgirl, when I read the part of your post that no kudzu had bolded, I reacted in the same way that she did. But then I saw your heartfelt apology, and I calmed back down. Thank you for taking the time to explain what you meant in such a considerate manner.
Bus man thank you for accepting my apology. I would NEVER intentionally offend any one on their adoption choices. Every child deserves a chance to be loved.
Adoption is best when it is not seen as "charity" or "helping a poor child who has a disability". Or the "child collectors" with one from every country and every race. There worst are people who specifically adopt children with disabilities, so that they can "look good" to the outside world - and rake in the SSD checks.
I know of two such dirt bags who adopted an "older" sibling pair from Ukraine.
These children lived at my house for one entire summer. The couple had seen a picture of the girl, taken while someone was adopting a child in Odessa. Some how they found out that she and her brother were staying with us.
The couple did adopt the siblings, but I recently found out that their intentions were not good. The girl was 14 at the time. The boy was 8.
Recently, the boy contacted me through Facebook. He told me a horror story. This couple was obsessively religious, which I knew at the time. They were also in their mid 60s and had grown children in their late 30s. Nothing wrong with that, but they were very, very old fashioned. A few red flags went off for me when after I told the husband that we went into NYC and took the kids to the Statue of Liberty, the Empire State Building, and ate out in China Town.
The man said boldly "I would never visit New York City - that place is filled with drug addicts and animals. The only way I would go would be if we were all carrying fire arms!" He sounded very racist, paranoid and angry.
The boy, now 18, told me, in perfect English, that John and Ruth were psychopaths. They were physically and mentally abusive. They adopted 2 other kids - not sure from where, and all were abused.
The boy I had hosted, was kicked out at 18. As was his sister, and the other two adopted children. They just wanted the check.
They also wanted the glory among members of their church.
These are all bad reasons to adopt.
A good reason to adopt is this - because you want to start or build your family and you want to be a parent.
The same reasons why people become pregnant. There should be no difference. People should adopt because the want the experience of loving and raising children. It is not an 18 year commitment. It's for life. Just the way biological children are born.
Adoption is just a different way to have kids. No one gets a medal for being a biological parent. A healthy adoption, should in part be for selfish reasons. Because you want your own kids.
It is not volunteer work.
ETA - the two are doing better now, out of that abusive home, and we have plans to visit them at Christmas.
It is NK. I really did not like these people at all. However, as older children with some issues, they were not adoptable in Ukraine. They had visited other families on a few occasions, and were not selected for adoption. The two argued quite a bit, and the girl could be moody. Which is understandable for a 14 year old. In two years, the older girl would have been kicked out of the orphanage.
And at the time the boy had an explosive personality, and was given to fits of rage.
My position as a host family, did not give me any power to stop the couple from adopting. However, I did speak to the coordinator in Ukraine and I voiced my concerns. Her response was that they had no other chance of being adopted together, which Ukraine required at the time, and still may.
My conversation with this young man, now a senior in HS with plans to attend college, was quite touching and interesting. He apologized to me for the tantrum he through once and his attempt to run down the street. (We had said "no" to something, and for some reason, that set him off) Of course, I told him not to worry about it. We laughed about some good and fun times that we had that summer. They really were good kids.
He told me in a recent conversation, that he was angry about being an orphan and mad at his birth mom, an alcoholic. But, he said that he is no longer angry, and he's made "peace with his past". He just said that he enjoyed his time at our house, and that the whole thing was a "learning experience". He sounded as though he might have gone through some therapy, perhaps through his school.
I was amazed with his maturity and insight. He has no use for his birth mother, (does not know who his father is) and he is also not angry that he was adopted, although he never wants to see those people again. He was quite philosophical about the whole thing. He told me that he was abused physically in the orphanage, so sadly, he expected that as what was "normal". Life was worse, he said, at the orphanage.
He also said that he was glad that he was brought to America, because his part of Ukraine has now been annexed into Russia. He feels his opportunities are better in the US, and college tuition is free or reduced for children who were adopted after a certain age. He learned that from a guidance counselor. He said that in Sevastopol he would have been a "common criminal", and that most kids wind up in jail. Statistically, he is correct. He is sharing a rental house with some other kids who were also kicked out by their parents. (not adopted) and he remains close to his sister, who is now married with two children, and owns a house.
Honestly, this young man was so mature and composed that I could not help but to be impressed. He is smart, well spoken, with no accent at all - which he was quite proud of, because his older sister still has a "Russian accent". He wasn't looking for money, he assured me, he just wanted to contact us.
He also asked if I could help him to find a college that would accept him. His grades, while living with those terrible people, suffered. Since he is on his own, he is getting all A's .
He called the next day to speak to my husband, and has made friends with our son on Facebook. The two got along quite well.We are going to talk to him again on Friday.
At the time, we were trying to adopt a little boy who had stayed with us over Christmas. His mother came back to reclaim him at the last second, so the adoption failed. Now, DH and I wish that we had adopted these two children. We had thought about it at the time, but since we were emotionally invested in the other child, we thought we would be taking on too much.
It is not only adoptive parents who kick their young adult children out of the house at 18. It seems to be a trend. I don't remember this when I was growing up. But I have seen it among a few of my children's contemporaries. Some people just should not be parents.
We look forward to seeing them both, and they are welcome to visit whenever they want.
It's funny, I knew the agency that was conducting the home study for these people, and I was about to call to tell them about my reservations. In the end, my husband kept me from doing that.
I wish
We do plan to help the two of them as much as we can.
We have four children, adults now, and the eldest was through international adoption. We are a close family and I sometimes forget that people I don't know well might be surprised that our eldest is of a different race. They are all my babies! I feel blessed, and wish we could have adopted more.
"We do plan to help the two of them as much as we can."
Sheena, that is really nice. It seems that you are the only real family they've ever had.
Thank you for saying that. The saddest part is that this was only for three months out of an 18 year old's life! Three months! He said he loved going to "that amusement park by the beach where there were many Russian people" (Coney Island, Brooklyn NY) and he said where did we go later? I thought we went back to Ukraine and then drove to your house? Am I confused?) I couldn't believe he thought that we took him to Ukraine one afternoon and then "drove back" to "Nashe Dom" (Our house) on suburban Long Island. He was laughing and so was I. I asked him "how do you think we could have driven you to an amusement park by the sea, from our house, and take you to dinner in Ukraine? Then drive from Ukraine to our house?"
What actually happened, was we drove into Brooklyn to the amusement park Coney Island, which happens to be adjacent to Brighton Beach Brooklyn, a neighborhood filled with Ukrainian and Russian immigrants, Russian markets, and elderly "babushkas" (grandmotherly types who normally wear head scarves or kerchiefs, which in NYC are called "baushkas" - both the scarf and the women) selling Russian medicines - herbs and other concoctions, on the street. They hiss the name of these potions on the street so the public can know what they are selling. This is against the law, because some of the potions are tinctures with a vodka base and added herbs. Police largely ignore these women. It's part of the culture.
Brighton Beach is festooned with flags on every telephone poll that read "Welcome to Brighton Beach - NYC's little Odessa-By-the-Sea."
The funny thing is that they were both from Odessa!
After the beach and the amusement park, we took them, and our interpreter out to dinner at a Russian Ukrainian restaurant, where we all had a delicious dinner and enjoyed cherry Varinshkas (like a small dumpling) served with sour cream and more cherries - for desert. (mouth is watering now just thinking about them)
After, we walked up and down the streets on the summer night, and bought Russo/Ukrainian treats to have at our house - I bought a lot of frozen cherry and savory varinishkas in assorted flavors, pickles of every kind, Ukrainian chocolate (which is out of this world) and some other things.
We bought the kids and Katya, the interpreter, Tee shirts that read "Brighton Breach New York's Little Odessa" "Brooklyn NY" and "NYC" as well as post cards of the area. This was in the early 2000s, so each kid was armed with their own disposable camera for the day, so they could take pictures of what ever they wanted.
While we explained through Katya that this was a Russian neighborhood, not Russia or Ukraine itself, it must have been confusing for our young charges. At the restaurant and on the street, there were no other English speakers. Katya interpreted with the servers.
The area has an "old world feel" to it, very dark, most signs written in Russian, the streets are fragrant with the smells of food, bread baking, and the salt water smell of the Atlantic ocean. It looked nothing like the sterile America we lived in, only one hour away.
The whole think must have been confusing on many levels, even with our traslater.
He confessed that he'd wondered all of the years how "you were able to pull that off". I asked him what he thought had happened and his reply was "Magic", I thought the two of you (DH and I) were magic," because we had such a great time there, and your house had a swimming pool, and no one beat us, so my sister and I just figured that the whole summer was magic - that's why I had to look you up"
He was really piecing together details of a confusing and fragmented child hood. He asked if we had any pictures of that summer, and I told him that we had many. I am in the process of putting together a scrap book for both of the kids. Sadly, they lost the pictures they took that day, in the in the trip back to Odessa, and during the adoption, many things became lost. The family first lived in South Carolina, where his sister was kicked out, and married a local boy of Mexican heritage, then they proceed to leave his sister, who had become pregnant "by a Mexican" behind, and move several hours away to Jacksonville FL, where a few years later, he was also "kicked out for being a teenager" as he put it.
"I was not perfect, and I did have a bad temper" he said with a laugh, "but I was not a terrible boy, either. I wanted them to love me as I was. They weren't perfect either. They were very hypocritical and racist" he said. "I called John out on his racism several times. I think that is why he hated me. You know me and my big mouth". We both laughed. I remembered how outspoken he was.
Later I explained "the time we went to the Orient" (China Town) and "visited Italy" (NY's Little Italy) He had such a good sense of humor about that. He wasn't bitter at all. And laughed at the whole situation.
The sad thing to me, is that he was not permitted to use the computer at his adoptive family's home. In fact, neither he, nor his sister could even talk about their life prior to the adoption. We were especially banned. John and his wife "hated us" and all "people from NY", and especially my husband, because he is Jewish (non practicing) We had talked in our kitchen about keeping in touch, after the adoption. We didn't really like the adoptive parents, not then and especially not now, but we thought it would be good, for their kids, our and our kids to continue their friendships. John and Ruth, were happy about that idea, and said "yes" you can be an extended family - like an aunt and uncle and cousins!" Wow, looking back on it, those people really were BS artists. Among other things.
My deepest regret is that we did not adopt these to kids. That's why today, I am not such a fan of hosting programs. Well, I am "on the fence" about it. Because we would have adopted them also, which would have been thought of as "a separate adoption". The boy, Andrey, was one adoption, and the sibling group, a second adoption. At the time we had the money to do that, but Ukrainian law - and US law, did not permit it. We ended up adopting no one. Which was sad for all concerned.
I am a fan of however, of Facebook, though, because that was how this smart young man who searched me out!
Last edited by sheena12; 09-01-2016 at 09:59 PM..
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