Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I am not here to make him change his mind. I just needed to talk it out and its become such a touchy topic at home.
So my husband and I were very young when we started dating. After about a year I did mention adoption as a possibility and he was in support of it. Side note: I have thought about adoption as an option since I was 15.
Fast forward to present day we are in a mid/late 20s and have been ttc without interventions for a few years come to find out I have PCOS. Since I have been interested in adoption before fertility issues, it didn't seem to be a big issue. But my husband over the years has become less open to the idea to the point of saying he is worried about the level of attachment. I have seen him with kids, he loves kids and gets attached easily. I know that is different from being a parent, but I just wanted to illustrate that he is not stand offish or cold.
While it is not fair to him, or to the child, to pressure him into a parenting situation he is uncomfortable with, it is also frustrating as I explicitly had this discussion even at our young ages.
I have always wanted to be a parent. I am uncomfortable with many of the fertility assistance methods.
Well...to be blunt.
Since you are uncomfortable with procedures that might enable you to carry your own child....You should be understanding of your husbands being uncomfortable with adoption.
I don't see much hope of a compromise unless one of you gives.
IMO it should be you. Then after exhausting all medical efforts he may have a change of heart.
You are both still young...Maybe relax, depressurize and revisit this next year.
First off, I never had any problems having biological children so my viewpoint may be worthless. We attempted to adopt after having children, but have not been successful even though my husband is an attorney and he assists other couples adopt.
I help out at my husband's office, especially now that most of my children are grown. Almost all the couples that come to my husband's office to adopt have exhausted all their medical options to have a baby. One of the issues I hear about from husband's male clients is that they have such a small part to play either in infertility treatments or adoption. Most feel they been banished to the sidelines. My experience with adoption is that is completely dominated by females and that males are the enemy. I know that is the impression my husband has of private adoption agencies. I also don't know of a single male social worker, CASA, case manager, adoption agency worker, or citizen review committee member.
One of the reasons my husband likes to have me around the office is that I relate better to his client's wives and he relates better to his client's husbands. I wonder if this could be part of your husband's issues with adoption. I know my husband really grates on the nerves of adoption professionals (all female).
I think regardless of any agreements you may have had in the beginning, things have changed. To try and force them back would lead to a very hard life for you both and any child he might agree to parent just to make you happy. It's hard, but it may be a dream you need to put away if he will not be able to fully embrace it.
Well...to be blunt.
Since you are uncomfortable with procedures that might enable you to carry your own child....You should be understanding of your husbands being uncomfortable with adoption.
I don't see much hope of a compromise unless one of you gives.
IMO it should be you. Then after exhausting all medical efforts he may have a change of heart.
You are both still young...Maybe relax, depressurize and revisit this next year.
I understand him not wanting to adopt. But, it surprises me how someone can want to and then not. We have already discussed what extent I would be comfortable in fertility assistance. I am willing to make some exceptions because I want to be a parent regardless of how the child is brought into this world. However, there are still somethings I really would be hesitant to do.
Quote:
Originally Posted by xy340
Here is my two cents on this:
First off, I never had any problems having biological children so my viewpoint may be worthless. We attempted to adopt after having children, but have not been successful even though my husband is an attorney and he assists other couples adopt.
I help out at my husband's office, especially now that most of my children are grown. Almost all the couples that come to my husband's office to adopt have exhausted all their medical options to have a baby. One of the issues I hear about from husband's male clients is that they have such a small part to play either in infertility treatments or adoption. Most feel they been banished to the sidelines. My experience with adoption is that is completely dominated by females and that males are the enemy. I know that is the impression my husband has of private adoption agencies. I also don't know of a single male social worker, CASA, case manager, adoption agency worker, or citizen review committee member.
One of the reasons my husband likes to have me around the office is that I relate better to his client's wives and he relates better to his client's husbands. I wonder if this could be part of your husband's issues with adoption. I know my husband really grates on the nerves of adoption professionals (all female).
Anyway, hope that helps.
Thank-You for the insight. It could be the issue. I am not going to push it though. If we are still unsuccessful down the road then the topic might be discussed again.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Marachino
I think regardless of any agreements you may have had in the beginning, things have changed. To try and force them back would lead to a very hard life for you both and any child he might agree to parent just to make you happy. It's hard, but it may be a dream you need to put away if he will not be able to fully embrace it.
I agree. I don't want to force him into anything. I mentioned earlier it would not benefit him or the child if he did it for any reason other than his own desire to be a parent.
Just to be clear I will not force him into anything. I'm not here trying to figure out a way to change his mind. I just wanted to put it out there because I am a bit frustrated, but I get it.
I just feel like I'm the one making exceptions and I also have to do most of the 'work'.
What is your husband's experience with adoption? Does he know any adoptive families? Have any of his relatives adopted children? What is his primary fear, that he will be unable to "attach" to an adopted child, or that his own DNA will not be part of the picture, or that an adopted child will present problems unlikely to occur with a biological child, or that an adopted child's biological family might be a threat, or is it something else?
Would you consider counseling as a couple and/or as individuals to sort this out? Would your husband be willing to meet adoptive parents and their children, and/or educate himself through reading or online research or through talking to adoptive agencies or advocacy groups?
Adoption can take many forms. It can involve babies, small children, older kids, teenagers, can be domestic or international, can be same race or interracial, can involve a single child or siblings, can be open, semi-open, or closed, can involve children with special needs which can range from very mild (wearing glasses) to severe.
What sort of adoption are you personally open to and interested in?
Increased knowledge of adoption's many aspects may help clarify your own and your husband's views and feelings about it. Once that happens, you can move ahead in whatever direction seems best, and get off your current Square One.
I think adoption is something that you and your husband need to agree on. Its not fair on the child you will adopt otherwise. i know it will be tough to let go of a dream that you've had for such a long time but you have to understand that while it may be YOUR dream, it may well not be his with or without any fears of attachment issues.
My suggestion is that he may well get to your way of thinking if he feels like you are willing to compromise to his way of thinking a bit. I know you said that you have PCOS and that you are uncomfortable with many medical fertility assistance measures.
I dont know how much research you've into PCOS and medical fertility assistance but there is a wide spectrum in both of these cases. For instance, PCOS is a syndrome and each sufferer may have a single or multiple presentation ranging from anovulation, hirsutism, insulin resistance, amenorrhea etc. Depending on your specific issues, fertility assistance needed may be as simple as medication like clomid or femara to encourage ovulation or metformin/glucophage to help with insulin resistance etc. It could be that you end up needing more medications/injectibles to help with ovulation and still do it the old fashioned way. Maybe you end up needing an IUI to finish the job. You may also end up needing IVF or a host of other assistance methods out there. You simply dont know. Even all of these interventions doesn't guarantee that you will have a child but I am sure that women that have gone through any of these were willing to try even without any guarantees. All these are all very different levels of medical fertility assistance. Are you saying that you are uncomfortable with any level of assistance?
Your husband may well feel more open to considering adoption if he sees that you have tried some sort of medical help and not just given up without trying anything.
Honestly, my question to him is whether or not he honestly wants children at this point.
I know when I was childless into my late 20's, I was starting to really enjoy that lifestyle and my desire to have children was waning.
Mid 30's, had an unplanned pregnancy, and now also have a step child. It takes time for a man to become attached to a bio, or non-bio child regardless. Given that I went through both at roughly the same time, I don't think attachment is really an issue, especially if the child is young and grows up thinking of him as daddy. He hesitance makes me think he's just starting to enjoy the childfree life.
As we don't have kids I think if we ever did agree on adoption the scope would be very narrow.
I would be willing to take medications and other types of therapy. Which we have started to look into doctors for. But I am not comfortable going as far as IVF for many reasons. I have been willing to use some assistance and we began last year but there was just to much going on, stress wise. Since then I have taken a sabbatical and we are working to sell our house and change our lifestyle a bit.
I don't know if he has started enjoying his childless years more. When he goes to see friends or family with kids he comes home and recounts every adorable thing. To me it has seemed that through the last year this has increased. I get that you can think kids are adorable and still not be ready for kids. However we have been talking about kids for over 5 years.
OP, has your husband said why his views on adoption have changed? Maybe if you knew what was causing him to back off of it, you could help ameliorate his concerns.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
