Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Oh my goodness..thank you all for your kind words and advice! My sister is going to be so happy to see that there are so many others going through the same thing! NYMD I will definetely tell her she can email you..I will let you know..so thank you! I am honestly so surprised to see how common this is...I have seen several couples who have a baby that isn't the same race, and the only thought that crosses my mind is "how beautiful!" I don't understand how people still think so narrowly in 2009! WHO CARES what color the baby is? I couldn't stop laughing when I saw some of the responses to the questions..HAHA as in..she speaks BABY!!!! I will definetely show my sister all these messages...I just don't know what words would help her coming from me..All I can say is "Hang in there..These people aren't important if they can't see what's important to you..."
But as far as support groups..that's a great idea..I think she may have already researched that...
people usually think its ok to make comments or jokes because they are your friends. if they are people you value then take the time to educate them because they will eventually be around your children. if they arent that valuable of a friend or family, then quickly explain how they are being ignorant and tell them you hope no one ever treats them or questions them the way they are questioning you.
adopting kids is a personal issue, but it is made very public when it deals with trans racial adoption. as much as you would like to stay private, the simple difference in pigmentation or facial characteristics gives you away. but its not a bad thing. its a good thing. before adoptions were very private and taboo. now they are more open. you are doing a good thing and adoption is not something that should be hidden. you shouldnt be made to feel like you have to hide, or even answer these question. its tough, but the joy of welcoming a child into your family is worth it. i wont go into any personal history, but parents who adopt have some of the biggest hearts. some people cant handle that type of selflessness and make inapporpriate jokes. it just shows how uncomfortable they are with the fact that they might not be the type of person who is willing to look beyond color, or gender or arbitray characterisitcs. kids need love.
that might be the simples answer you can give.
how much did it cost?
lots of love!
you cant have kids?
no i just had too much love.
wow they sure dont look like you!
love is blind...
The questions posted might be some I would ask a VERY close and intimate friend... in private. But it would not occur to me to ask someone I work with.
How much did it cost... could just be curiousity, but inappropriate unless you and your friend are comfortable discussing other financial aspects of your lives and frequently do. The cost of adoption is something a really good friend and I probably would've already discussed way before the child arrived.
Are they brother and sister... again, I may ask if they are biologically related, out of curiosity, but again only from someone I knew well enough to probably already have this information.
Are they "yours"... not a way I would word this question. If it's someone who I could feel comfortable enough asking the other two questions, then the information being sought (ie... are they your biological children) is something I would already know.
As a birthmom, I have posted on many sites and threads on this very forum some of my insights. For instance... I view the child I gave up for adoption as mine, but not mine. She will always be "my baby", but I am not her mother. God has a plan for us all. Some people can't have children "naturally", but where would "my baby" and I be if her parents had been able to have their "own"? In some of my more philosophical moments, I've viewed myself blessed to have been chosen to be the vessel God used to deliver their child to them. In more grounded moments, I am grateful that my mistake (the one night stand, not the baby) has brought such joy to others.
They sure don't look like you, You can't have kids?... these are just rude in any situation.
I am completely shocked...I can't believe people ask questions like that. My sister is thinking about adopting a baby from China. I am going to mention all of this to her. There's a movie that I've seen commercials for about mixed race marriage. Does anyone know which one I'm talking about? I'm going to search a little more and bring back some info.
I think my best come-back I made was actually not meant as a comeback, but as a truthful answer, though it was funny (and the receiver's reaction even funnier.) It was about 3 days after we arrived home with our first daughter. I had not yet been bombarded with many of the questions that would later so irritate me. We were in line at Walmart and an older woman in front of us turned around to look at my daughter. Her eyes are dark brown and might are light blue. The woman looked at my daughter's eyes and then at my eyes several times back and forth. Then she said, "Wow, her father must have really dark brown eyes to produce a baby with such beautiful brown eyes." Since I was having a hard time believing that my DH and I were actually this gorgeous baby's mother and father, I answered, "You know, I really don't know what color eyes her father has." Immediately, I realized my faux pas, but by then, the woman had given me a dirty look and had abruptly turned around. I considered setting the record straight, but then changed my mind. Let her think what she wanted .
LOL that is very funny! I have also said something a long those lines, not knowing who their father is.... yikes! we even have to catch ourselves as adoptive parents sometimes!
One time I was visiting a friend who works at a salon with our 1st daughter when we came home with her and one of her co-workers came up and said "ohhh she is sooo cute,she must look like your hsuband though because she doesn't look anythine like you!"
It was very funny I thought, my friend explained afterwards
She's going to have to get a "thick skin" about it. People are racist, period.
She's going to have to either ignore the looks, or come up with a witty way to make the person feel uncomfortable about their ignorance. I'm surprised they hadn't expected this???
LOL that is very funny! I have also said something a long those lines, not knowing who their father is.... yikes! we even have to catch ourselves as adoptive parents sometimes!
One time I was visiting a friend who works at a salon with our 1st daughter when we came home with her and one of her co-workers came up and said "ohhh she is sooo cute,she must look like your hsuband though because she doesn't look anythine like you!"
It was very funny I thought, my friend explained afterwards
This happens to me on a daily basis! My husband's from Mexico and I'm of Scandinavian heritage (but born in California) so my features are well-mixed with his. I think our kids are a gorgeous mix of both, frankly.
Albeit it's more obvious with a full-Chinese baby, it doesn't really matter.
I have two second cousins who adopted international babies (they were turned down in the US for being over 40) from Guatemala and China. They're as white as can be with their babies! Who cares!
By the way, in my neighborhood during the work week you can see nannies of hispanic heritage pushing blond babies around in the park!
I dont have adopted children so I dont know how it feels to be bumbarded (sp?) with questions. But I believe that none of the people asking the questions are trying to be hurtful or intrusive - they just poorly word their questions.
Congrats to your sister and BIL - and to everyone else... Kids are the best - they may drive you a little nuts.. but they are the best. :-)
Except for the question about why they are given up or why didn't you adopt an American child...will agree that those are out of line.....I agree JC.
With the exception of the above I would ask these same questions if I knew the person. The process of these adoption is an unknown to alot of people. Part of finding out how things work is asking questions.
Sorry, I would take the reaction as fascinated, not insulting.
BTW, I admire all of you who adopt. You are special!
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
.
