Dad doesn't want to live anymore (parent, father, money, senior)
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My Mom and Dad are elderly to say the least. My Mother's health has really deteriorated this last year and now has a caregiver to assist them during the day 5 1/2 days a week. She cooks and cleans for both my parent's and takes very good care of my mother. My Dad is so depressed living this life, feeling there is no light at the end of the tunnel and they just exist day to day with nothing to look forward to. He barely drives anymore and my Mom can't.
He takes ambien to sleep because of some sound in his head keeps him awake. He fell the other night and really hurt his side yet he doesn't know how it happened. As my sister took him to the ER, he expressed how he wishes he had died when he fell. The next day she took a picture to send me of how my mother looks when she visits there every Sunday. I lost it when I saw how she has changed since I saw her in February this year. She looked so old and hopeless. She was busy swatting away imaginary objects on her table. My Dad doesn't want me to visit as I suggested knowing how depressing it would be, which never crossed my mind. I suggested finding an anti-depressant to help him cope. He tried one once and said it made him feel worse. I can't tell you how helpless I feel hearing this. So hard living far away never knowing when one of them might pass away and not being there for them. We suggested going to the new Senior Center nearby by my Dad said it wasn't his cup of tea. The people there are old, he said. My Mom went once and felt it wasn't for her because they served lunch for those that have financial issues. She's always been a snob. We can't make them do anything and now that my Dad is injured, he feels even more hopeless and depressed. I'm just venting really. I know there really isn't anything that will change the situation. Airline tickets cost about $1000 per person to visit which is too much right now. God I hope this isn't my story when I am very old, if I live that long.
I have nothing useful to say except how sorry I am that you are in this position. I wish I lived nearby. I would visit with a deck of cards or something. My grandma had Alzheimer's. (I don't know if that is why your Mom is swatting at imaginary objects, but it reminded me.) She lived with us. Watching her deteriorate was just so sad. I don't know what I am saying except that I am just so sorry for your situation.
I know it is hard on you and I feel for you. Think about how hard it is on them.
Are they paying for the caregiver? Can they afford to send you the airfare? How about driving there? Can you do that?
Dad is paying for the caregiver, live too far to drive and he doesn't want me to come. He actually paid for my last trip in Feb. and now that he has this huge expense, I wouldn't think of it.
I assume if one of them passed away you would somehow find the money to attend the funeral, no? That money would be better spent visiting now, whether or not they think they want you to. It could make all the difference in the world, and alleviate the inevitable feelings of guilt if you miss the chance to see them again.
Have you and your family thought of assisted living? Is this a possible option? I know it can be hard especially when one is set in their ways of independent living but when times like these become rough, the best option for them can be in an assisted living enviroment.
Have you and your family thought of assisted living? Is this a possible option? I know it can be hard especially when one is set in their ways of independent living but when times like these become rough, the best option for them can be in an assisted living enviroment.
My older sister, who lives close by, tried everything to convince them to live in an assisted living situation including a tour of one, but they are both adamant about living in their own home till the end and as long as their money holds out.
Not looking for ideas about their situation since I know that won't change, although I appreciate the questions and ideas. Just needed to let out the fear and sadness. I can see why couples who have been together forever, chose to end their lives on their own terms instead of barely living with no quality of life. I don't think they would chose to do this, but I can understand after talking to my parents and how bored and lonely they are, how this might be an option.
My Mom has a sister and brother that live about twenty minutes from her, yet have come to see her maybe once in the last year. My sister was going to take my parent's to my aunt since they find every reason not to drive there, but at the last minute, my aunt decided that her place was too messy for company. My sister blew her top at this and reminded her that when and if she ever decides on seeing her sister again, she may not remember who she is or may not be around anymore.
My uncle is nuts and refuses to pick up my aunt, who lives only ten minutes from him, to take to my Mom. My aunt and her husband live almost the same dismal life my parent's live as their health is failing too. So sad.
I assume if one of them passed away you would somehow find the money to attend the funeral, no? That money would be better spent visiting now, whether or not they think they want you to. It could make all the difference in the world, and alleviate the inevitable feelings of guilt if you miss the chance to see them again.
My husband's family comes from all over the world to attend funerals of people they don't bother visiting while they were living. I'm not saying that about the OP, but I TOTALLY agree that I would prefer to spend my money visiting someone while they are living even if that means not being able to attend their funeral when they die.
Regardless, I dont' think the expense of visting is what prompted her to post. She posted because she's sad about seeing how her parents are deteriorating. It doesn't sound like they're going to die anytime soon. They're just getting older, and stubborn, and her father is depressed. It would be so hard to hear your father talk about wishing he would die. There isn't a visit in the world that can change his depression.
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