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I have an aunt that my wife and I took in under our roof about 2 years ago. She was diagnosed with chronic depression years ago. My uncle always took care of everything for her, he passed away a little over a decade ago. We've done our best to help her establish independence. However, over time she's been declining. She's asked repeatedly to get a car, yet she's going blind in one eye. She has stopped showering everyday, stopped brushing her teeth (which I think has now caused an infection that can be smelt from 5 feet away), she limits her eating unless one of us cooks for her, she doesn't clean unless you make it an issue, she's stopped taking her medication (seems to hoard it). On top of that I went in her room the other day (with her permission) to show her how to work the AC unit (again), and there is junk everywhere. Literally everywhere. It's like a labyrinth of just random stuff from decades ago to now piled throughout the room. Most of the things she's bought this year are still in bags and hasn't been touched. She caught the Flu last week so we took her to the doctor. She brought with her medications from 8-10 years ago and asked them to refill them. They were already full, but I'm sure that are considered expired. I don't know how to approach her about all this. My wife thinks we should have her evaluated for being mentally incompetent. I'm looking for recommendations on how to speak with her about this because my way of doing things can be a bit abrasive. We have a toddler and 6 month old in the house so there's concern there.
You may be better off looking for some care facility that is capable of actually caring for her or in-home care. This doesn't sound like just being unable to make sound judgements about one's affairs; it sounds like a collapse of caring for oneself.
You are very generous for taking her in. Abrasiveness aside, more importantly you need an understanding of what you will be talking about. I'm confused about what you want to tell her, sounds like you are too. Where did the idea of declaring her incompetent even come from? Do you want her to be forced to do something?
As an elder law attorney once told me, people are perfectly entitled to make poor decisions. The court will only step in if she needs to be protected somehow.
I have gone through the process of declaring my SIL incompetent. Obviously, it will cost money. In a nutshell, you will need an attorney to petition the court for someone to be guardian. And she is entitled to an attorney to defend herself. The court goes by professional evaluations. Many professionals do not like doing these evaluations. The court does not like taking away someone's rights, but they will, if necessary, and appoint a financial and/or medical guardian. One guardian can do both.
In my case, my SIL's daughter wanted me to be guardian. I didn't really want to, but agreed to help, so that's how we filed the petition. Fortunately, after filing the petition, our attorney recommended that we request a professional guardian instead, and the daughter agreed.
In the end, the guardian takes over almost all of the ward's rights and decisions in life. And the court monitors the guardian. My SIL has dementia, and didn't really understand what was going on, so she did not complain.
*snip*
I don't know how to approach her about all this. My wife thinks we should have her evaluated for being mentally incompetent. I'm looking for recommendations on how to speak with her about this because my way of doing things can be a bit abrasive. We have a toddler and 6 month old in the house so there's concern there.
I’m not sure the aunt would be receptive to being told you want her to have a mental evaluation. That would be a scary thing to hear. A better approach would be to express concern for her overall well being (e.g. rotting teeth, expired medications) and try to persuade her to go, with your wife in attendance, for a thorough medical examination (which you have arranged to include a mental evaluation).
I used to drive my mother to her medical appointments and stay in the waiting room. It finally occurred to me that I should go in with her to hear what the doctor had to say first hand and ask questions, instead of simply relying on my mother’s faltering memory of what he told her. I should have done it sooner.
You say the aunt is going blind in one eye. Could it be cataracts? If so, that can be fixed.
I’m a Canadian so I can’t speak to how things work in the US. For what it’s worth: I was with my mother during one of her routine medical appointments. I can’t specifically remember what I told the doctor but the result was that a social worker with the health authority contacted me and set an appointment to visit my home (my mother was living with me at the time). She toured the home, noting potential problems (e.g. upstairs bedroom, with railing only on one side of the staircase). She also administered a simple dementia test which took about 15-20 minutes. The woman returned a couple of weeks later and presented a number of options for consideration, with information on each. That was very useful as I was unaware of most of the options, as was my mother.
You are very generous for taking her in. Abrasiveness aside, more importantly you need an understanding of what you will be talking about. I'm confused about what you want to tell her, sounds like you are too. Where did the idea of declaring her incompetent even come from? Do you want her to be forced to do something?
As an elder law attorney once told me, people are perfectly entitled to make poor decisions. The court will only step in if she needs to be protected somehow.
This. Some of the behaviors you mentioned OP may not be pleasant to witness but they don't necessarily indicate legal incompetence. She can choose to ignore her dental hygiene or cleaning her room...people do both. Not everyone showers every single day either. That's personal preference, not necessity.
There are a number of people who've lost vision in one eye but drive quite well in spite of it. One of my parents did for a number of years. She would need to pass a vision test by the DMV before getting licensed so that could settle the question about her abilities and that's news that does not come from you. Consider this...the ability to get out of the house on her own might improve her state of mind which could influence other aspects of her daily living.
Taking everything together (especially the meds) sure, it is concerning but a comprehensive health exam might uncover a much simpler solution than legal competency...such as adjusting her meds.
Last edited by Parnassia; 06-14-2022 at 02:46 PM..
Considering there are children in the house, and they deserve to be put first, I would call Adult Protective Services and make a report of "Adult in need of care." It is a government agency, and they are generally very familiar with issues like you are describing.
Considering there are children in the house, and they deserve to be put first, I would call Adult Protective Services and make a report of "Adult in need of care." It is a government agency, and they are generally very familiar with issues like you are describing.
This ^^^. My sister is in Assisted living on Medicaid, she has just gotten a formal diagnosis of dementia; her case worker has gotten APS involved for a multitude of reasons and we are waiting for a court date to determine if she will have a guardian. She definitely needs one at this point, sad to say.
Yep, I wouldn’t want someone like that in my house with my kids. I’d tell her to clean her room, shower, brush her teeth, and act like she didn’t want to be banished to the realms of social services
I would urge you to go with her to the doctor for a checkup and present what you are seeing. It sounds like she is becoming incapacitated. It would be good to figure it out sooner rather than later.
My dad was like that on his slide into dementia. We tried to have my dad mentally evaluated and he walked out of the doctor's office.
I spoke with an attorney, and have someone declared incompetent is a long, hard, slog, and then you need to deal with the consequences if they are declared incompetent (will you be the legal guardian?). As mentioned above, people are allowed to make poor choices.
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