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Which is worse, marrying too soon and bringing children into perhaps doomed marriages and perhaps broken families and perpetuating a cycle of divorce for generations or having mature couples making family decisions based on financial stability as well as mature personalities and a clearer understanding of parental responsibilities? Of course not all couples married young end up in divorce but children raised in homes with mature and responsible parents who waited beyond college age to marry have a better chance at being raised in an intact home.
Of course this is anecdotal, but 90% of my friends who married and had children before age 25 ended up divorced before their children were grown. When I talk to divorced men and women about why their marriages failed most have told me they were too young when they got married and had too little life experience to make such an important decision when they did.
Last edited by springfieldva; 04-01-2013 at 04:07 AM..
Yeah, I think a lot of people are not ready to marry at the age of 21 or so. However, I think it is a lot harder for highly educated women to get married than those that are less so (i.e. high powered lawyer vs secretary). So, finding their spouses in school might increase their chances of actually getting married. Most women want a man that is at least in the same ballpark as far as education/career/intelligence. For men, it doesn't matter nearly as much so the highly educated man has more choices.
Goodness what an open minded bunch. I didn't hear her comments as marry early but to find your mate in college where the odds of finding a good match is higher but then again maybe the intelligence of the grads is over rated if they read the comments as this forum.
In a way I actually agree. No, I don't mean get married that young but rather seek for a husband then. I know several college and high school classmates who met their spouses either in high school or college, dated a few years while they finished school then worked on a career and then got married. All are still married. I am 42, never married because I didn't actively seek a mate in school and while I think I may have finally found my match it took a long time. If he's not my match then I am not sure where else to look since I failed at online dating. In school I had many men interested but was too worried about my career than anything else.
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now is not the time to get married and have kids..still young trying to find out who you are.. and there is that whole unemployment thing/drowning in debt thing ... i say wait until you 1. are sure of yourself because nothing ruins love like insecurity and self loathing 2. financially stable
College is the last place a lot of young people be able to meet a number of good prospective mates. This is as true for men as women. Once grads leave school and go out in the general populace, the chances of finding a mate that have a lot in common with the individual gets much more difficult.
In an ideal world, a young childless couple, both working at good paying jobs, could put enough aside so, when they decided they want kids, the wife could take some years off for staying at home to parent.
But these days, more women than men are attending college and getting degrees. Even if a girl marries young, there's a greater chance she will be the breadwinner, even when they start having children. And the chances of landing a good prospect at college are diminishing for women. The women of today aren't believing that they can have it all, like their mothers once did; they grew up seeing the effects of that belief.
So it's very complicated. I think those complications are part of the reason marriage is declining as an institution. Simply living together long-term may make those decisions easier with possibly fewer arbitrary obligations attached.
The kids these days are mostly children of divorce. Maybe they are more divorce averse than anything. If they never get married, they never have to go through the legal difficulties of divorce.
After all, finding a good partner on campus doesn't mean a woman has to marry him (and vice versa) these days.
I'm shocked that anybody would be telling women 18-22 to marry that young. This seems like the worse and most retro advice ever. I went to college in the 60's and this is what was expected of my generation. I guess we haven't come as far as we thought!
I think that she is correct. If you had a pool of men to choose from, Princeton University is about as good as it gets.
Also, if you very career oriented, when will you have time in the next 5-10 years to find a mate?
Yeah, I think a lot of people are not ready to marry at the age of 21 or so. However, I think it is a lot harder for highly educated women to get married than those that are less so (i.e. high powered lawyer vs secretary). So, finding their spouses in school might increase their chances of actually getting married. Most women want a man that is at least in the same ballpark as far as education/career/intelligence. For men, it doesn't matter nearly as much so the highly educated man has more choices.
I am going to second this.
For a young person who jumped through all the hoops and made it to Princeton (or was born on third base, as the case may be), it's going to be one the best concentrated groups in the US. Everyone there is comparatively high powered and a peer. Now shift your view to the outside world. That intelligent, driven young lady's dating pool will be everything from the Wharton MBA financier to the fellow at the corner bar whose perspective is circumscribed by the bottom of his beer glass, with everything in between. And it will be more time consuming/difficult to get to know any of them.
The young people at my own university (St Andrews, Scotland) knew this, and at graduation, many engagements were announced, and many other relationships appear to be in it for the long haul. A similar phenomenon occurs at Oxford and Cambridge. Likewise, it is unsurprising hearing this exhortation at US ivy leagues.
I also agree to a certain extent. I met my husband in college, as did most of my oldest friends. 90% are still married 35-40 years later. Most waited 5 to 10 years to have children.
That many years ago co habitation was frowned upon. Engagements were not nearly as long as today. (Probably because weddings were not the insane shows we have today). Married couples were expected to be independent and support themselves.
Probability of divorce, then as now, is determined by whether parents are divorced, educational level, age, income and race.
It is true that the highly educated professionals will have the opportunity to meet those similar to themselves, but their odds of finding a mate are greatly diminished. (Just browse CD' s relationship forum.)
Obviously things are different today with societies acceptance of shacking up. Just watch an episode of Bridezilla and you will see a couple with a couple of kids and a big house and mortgage putting a $60 thousand dollar wedding on credit. Or watch an episode of householders where the couple's will put off their nuptials to get granite countertops, stainless steel appliances, and open floor plan.
My advice to my children is to wait until they graduate from college before they even consider marrying.
1. Dealing with the demands of a spouse (and possibly children) interferes with school and study.
2. College is a time for socializing and discovery. Its not a time to be "tied down".
3. You need to get your degree and a job before you marry for economic reasons. If the marriage collapses, you'll need it to support yourself. (virtually emphasized they cannot marry without doing so)
4. If you wait until you've earned your degree, you should be at least 22, 23. IMO, people younger than this are generally to immature for the lifetime commitment that is supposed to be involved in marriage.
I do know some people who got married precisely because they needed financial support from a working spouse because their family would not help them with college. What a sad situation for both spouses. Every marriage I am aware that began this way has ended in divorce.
Disclaimer: I have been happily married to the same person for 28 years, starting after I earned undergraduate and graduate degrees in 1984.
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