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Well then, why don't you just explain to us exactly what you DID mean when you referred to her getting her "just desserts". In my opinion, her "just desserts" would be a medal of some kind for doing what is best for her child instead of dragging him/her through 18 to 20 years of poverty and deprivation with no father in the home. That's not to say that she couldn't get married later if she had a kid, but the odds are definitely stacked against a young mother and kid who have no financial resources. I'll await your forthcoming explanation.
This is exactly my own situation and that of most adoptees who go searching for their birth family. I wasn't out to ruin my birth mother's life, on the contrary. I wanted to thank her for doing the right thing and to let her know I grew up in a supportive family that provided everything I needed and more. And she's thrilled that I've resurfaced in her life, thanks to my own DNA research. I admit my motives were selfish though: I wanted to know my ancestry and family medical history. I think everyone should have the right to know these things about themselves. Every country except the US and South Sudan allows adoptees to receive their birth information when they become adults. Somehow in the US people think they should be allowed to have children in complete anonymity, and the child should have their original identity erased upon adoption. Not the norm around the world and not healthy.
I wasn’t referring at all to people like a young mother placing a child for adoption. A “web of deceit” is created by someone who, for example, had two secret families that he kept hidden from one another. If this person experiences embarrassment and humiliation when this is revealed, he’s getting his “just desserts.”
That said, I think the adopted child has every right to find out where they came from—not to try to harm anyone else, but for their own enlightenment.
You and I more or less agree. Chas just seized upon those (admittedly strong) words and let his imagination run away with him.
I think that you are the one who is letting his imagination run away. I would guess that for every guy who has "two secret families that he kept hidden from one another", there are probably 100 young unmarried pregnant girls who face the dilemma of what to do.
Also, keep in mind that in today's world, legal abortions are readily available at relatively low costs. That was not the case prior to 1973. Back then there were only "back alley" abortions from people who had never seen the inside of a medical school. Going to one of those was about as safe for the pregnant woman as allowing your hair dresser to perform brain surgery on you.
You and I more or less agree. Chas just seized upon those (admittedly strong) words and let his imagination run away with him.
No, we don't. We may agree people have a right to know where they came from, but I do not agree with your assumptions and judgements about the typical scenarios this stems from, and that is not something to brush over. You are the one who has ceased on one type of situation and pretended like other very common situations are rare or irrelevant. And even within the situation you describe, you are still being unfairly judgmental. Again, these situations are complex, and unless we know the full story, which we probably don't, we shouldn't judge. Again: both of you are being incredibly insensitive. Don't you dare put me in the same insensitive, judgmental camp you are in.
This is exactly my own situation and that of most adoptees who go searching for their birth family. I wasn't out to ruin my birth mother's life, on the contrary. I wanted to thank her for doing the right thing and to let her know I grew up in a supportive family that provided everything I needed and more. And she's thrilled that I've resurfaced in her life, thanks to my own DNA research. I admit my motives were selfish though: I wanted to know my ancestry and family medical history. I think everyone should have the right to know these things about themselves. Every country except the US and South Sudan allows adoptees to receive their birth information when they become adults. Somehow in the US people think they should be allowed to have children in complete anonymity, and the child should have their original identity erased upon adoption. Not the norm around the world and not healthy.
I think this is starting to change, some states have changed their laws and made it easier for adoptees to access their original birth certificate or adoption records. I think closed adoptions were partly due to the adopted parents being concerned about the biological parents changing their minds and trying to get the child back.
I think that you are the one who is letting his imagination run away. I would guess that for every guy who has "two secret families that he kept hidden from one another", there are probably 100 young unmarried pregnant girls who face the dilemma of what to do.
Also, keep in mind that in today's world, legal abortions are readily available at relatively low costs. That was not the case prior to 1973. Back then there were only "back alley" abortions from people who had never seen the inside of a medical school. Going to one of those was about as safe for the pregnant woman as allowing your hair dresser to perform brain surgery on you.
I’m not saying that unmarried young women placing children for adoption is the rare scenario. I’m saying I don’t believe it’s even remotely common for adopted children to seek their birth parents for the express purpose of ruining their lives.
Quote:
Originally Posted by PA2UK
No, we don't. We may agree people have a right to know where they came from, but I do not agree with your assumptions and judgements about the typical scenarios this stems from, and that is not something to brush over. You are the one who has ceased on one type of situation and pretended like other very common situations are rare or irrelevant. And even within the situation you describe, you are still being unfairly judgmental. Again, these situations are complex, and unless we know the full story, which we probably don't, we shouldn't judge. Again: both of you are being incredibly insensitive. Don't you dare put me in the same insensitive, judgmental camp you are in.
Then maybe we don’t. I have no emotions invested in whether you and I align. Associate with or disavow yourself from me as you please. I’ll be putting my son down for a nap.
I have some DNA cousins from South America that have puzzled me because that seems well outside of what I know about the family. Some people from the same small part of Germany immigrated to Chile and Argentina in the 1800s so I figured that was where the connections were -- back in Germany. I have others from Brazil and Colombia that were closer matches. Turns out I had some 2nd cousins who were Baptist missionaries spreading the Gospel in Brazil about 70 years ago.
I have a number of adoptees matched as my DNA cousins (on four databases). They seem to be mostly on my mother's side but not anywhere close -- mostly 4th cousins. Her family was quite small since about 1850, partly due to huge infant mortality rates but families just seemed to get smaller. Any connection would likely be in Ireland or Massachusetts generations ago.
I have a friend who is an adoptee. He took a test in middle age and was curious about the ethnicity results. His birth mother reached out to him on her own based on a match. He discovered two families beyond his adopted family. He has a bunch of half-siblings. He was happy to know who the birth parents were, but his adopted parents were his family. He was interested in health information that might be relevant. He met the mother, and they stay connected.
The odd thing was that one biological parent was over 1000 miles away and had a family there. The other biological parent stayed fairly close to his location and the kids were in the same school district and some that he went to school with. He knew of some of the school kids (crypto half-siblings), but they were a year or two behind him and not friends. It was a small town and could have gone another way and he could have had a relationship or married one.
I’m not saying that unmarried young women placing children for adoption is the rare scenario. I’m saying I don’t believe it’s even remotely common for adopted children to seek their birth parents for the express purpose of ruining their lives.
Why do you keep changing your story or excuses? First, you said that the birth mother was getting her "just desserts" due to her "web of deceit". Then you said that your harsh feelings only applied to guys who tried to have "two secret families that he kept hidden from one another". Now you're saying that adopted children don't seek their birth parents for the "express purpose" of ruining their lives.
Your vindictiveness is obvious to anyone who reads your posts.
Why do you keep changing your story or excuses? First, you said that the birth mother was getting her "just desserts" due to her "web of deceit". Then you said that your harsh feelings only applied to guys who tried to have "two secret families that he kept hidden from one another". Now you're saying that adopted children don't seek their birth parents for the "express purpose" of ruining their lives.
Your vindictiveness is obvious to anyone who reads your posts.
I’m not changing anything. You just have poor reading comprehension.
I’m not changing anything. You just have poor reading comprehension.
It's not reading comprehension. The person is deliberately misconstruing your remarks and has an agenda, apparently afraid of adoptees searching for birth parents. The person may be an adoptive parent who feels threatened.
I waited until my adoptive parents were both deceased before starting to search for my biological parents for that reason, I didn't want to upset my adoptive parents, even though I believe I have the right to know where I came from. They thought I should have been satisfied with some vague information they were provided by the adoption agency, some of which turned out to be false. I'm glad I now know the truth.
The way I think of my adoptive parents never changed. I always will think of them as my only and "forever" parents. Knowing my birth mother is just an added benefit, but she is not my family. My bio father passed away long ago so I never got to meet him. There are no half siblings since I was the only child of both of them. I actually identified my bio father through DNA before my birth mother, who confirmed that I was right.
It's not reading comprehension. The person is deliberately misconstruing your remarks and has an agenda, apparently afraid of adoptees searching for birth parents. The person may be an adoptive parent who feels threatened.
There’s probably a bit of both.
Quote:
Originally Posted by aries63
I waited until my adoptive parents were both deceased before starting to search for my biological parents for that reason, I didn't want to upset my adoptive parents, even though I believe I have the right to know where I came from. They thought I should have been satisfied with some vague information they were provided by the adoption agency, some of which turned out to be false. I'm glad I now know the truth.
The way I think of my adoptive parents never changed. I always will think of them as my only and "forever" parents. Knowing my birth mother is just an added benefit, but she is not my family. My bio father passed away long ago so I never got to meet him. There are no half siblings since I was the only child of both of them. I actually identified my bio father through DNA before my birth mother, who confirmed that I was right.
I think that all makes sense, and I would also dare to say that your story is the norm among adoptees that want to know more about where they came from.
If an adoptee reached out to me in search of information that could lead to their birth parents, I’d be inclined to help them any way that I could. The same goes for everyone who’s contacted me through 23andMe and Ancestry.com (where I maintain a family tree). I would only ever hesitate if someone seemed mentally unstable or had clearly questionable motives. So far, that hasn’t happened.
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