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Well, I think what goes around comes around and how people receive you really depends on what you "bring to the table." If you're genuinely friendly and outgoing, people are more likely to me genuinely friendly to you rather than rude or "fake friendly."
It's IMPOSSIBLE to stereotype an entire region with MILLIONS of people living in it, but the various regional cultures of this country and the influences of geography, population, religion, etc. do have an effect.
In the South, for instance, people might be brought up to use their manners at all times and to address others, "Yes sir," or "No ma'am," and therefore they are more likely than other regions to present a face of polite friendliness to others simply because that is what they do and have done in that region.
Here in the Northwest people tend to be very friendly, but in a different way. People may answer a question with a "Oh, yes, of course!" or a "No, I'm very sorry" rather than a "Yes ma'am!"
It also depends on your perspective. If you grow up in a place like New York City, someone may answer a question of yours "No!" and you half expect them to add a "Now bug off!" after that, but it isn't considered rude. That's just how it is up there because of, say, a hectic urban culture. There are a lot of subtle nuances to the communication in the regional cultures that needs to be acknowledged to be understood properly rather than being labeled as "RUDE" or "SOOO FRIENDLY" or "They're really friendly... Maybe they ACTUALLY hate me!" There are people like several posters have mentioned (gossipy, talk about you behind your back, smiling in a way that shoots you down, etc.) ALL over the country. They're not limited to one region, though some regions MAY foster that type of individual more so than other regions.
Ultimately it's just up to you, the individual, to be understanding and to bring friendliness and politeness with you wherever you may go.
You know, I've lived in the South for 15 years. At first, we thought all the politeness was some kind of weird false front. But I've decided it's the real deal. Sure, there are some people who will trash you behind your back, but that's pretty much anywhere you go.
Let me put it this way. The first rule of Southerners is to create a comfortable social setting for people, and make newcomers feel at home. After that, you're on your own. If you're reasonably gregarious and considerate of them, then they'll take you in like family. If, on the other hand, you're brusque or don't respect their ways and culture, then yeah, you'll not be liked. They'll just not like you politely.
Here's an excellent example. Down here, kids are taught to say Yes Sir, No Sir, Yes Ma'am and No Ma'am. It's not an indication of social rank. Kids are taught to show respect to the elders (Something I've decided is a pretty darned good thing).
So, this new woman in our neighborhood moved here from New Jersey. At a social gathering, after a teenager called her "ma'am" several times, responded, "Please don't call me ma'am. That is just so subservient." Yes, she really said that. I actually cringed when I heard it. The teenager's mother simply said, "I know you mean well, but please don't undo all our hard work. Thank you." Needless to say, the woman from New Jersey had to really work hard to get back into the woman's good graces after that.
You have a valid point here. I personally believe us southerners are more friendly but we were trained to be that way from birth. When I lived in nyc and I would always answer to people with yes mam, yes sir they were shocked and disgusted at the same time lol. The people in nyc hate to be reminded of thier age so they prefer if we not be so formal when answering to them. Meanwhile in the south it is considered disrespectful to answer people without saying yes sir or yes mam. Especially if they or either older and or your school teacher, and employers etc.
I'll admit I tried to relax my manners by a little (not alot) when I went to New York and Chicago because I thought they might think I was weird or a kiss-up.
Someone ought to make a thread about using sir and ma'am regional differences.
Every time I go to a Southern State I am impressed with how friendly most of the people are. When I go back home and tell people about it, the common statement is that the friendliness down South is not real. I am told the friendliness is actually a form of passive aggressive behavior and instead the people really do not like me but were told by their parents to act polite and friendly to everyone. In reality, they are talking nasty about me behind my back as soon as I leave.
Can this be true? Is southern hospitality a fake?
I see that you're from VA. I always considered VA as Southern...
Anyway, I can't speak for others but I am not fake. My friendliness is sincere and I tend to speak my mind a lot.
You have a valid point here. I personally believe us southerners are more friendly but we were trained to be that way from birth. When I lived in nyc and I would always answer to people with yes mam, yes sir they were shocked and disgusted at the same time lol. The people in nyc hate to be reminded of thier age so they prefer if we not be so formal when answering to them. Meanwhile in the south it is considered disrespectful to answer people without saying yes sir or yes mam. Especially if they or either older and or your school teacher, and employers etc.
I agree with your assessment of these North/South cultural differences.
At age 20 when I moved to Atlanta from Philadelphia - I was shocked and horrified to be called "Ma'am" at the grocery store. As a newcomer to the South unknowledgeable of the cultural differences, I definately took it as a major insult rather than a sign of respect. Up North, that term is only reserved for use with Very, Very Elderly people.
after 13 years in the south, I no longer trust people when I meet them.
there were too many times when I had others act nice to me when come to find out they didn't really like me after all and were just around me so they themselves didn't feel "guilty." what a waste of everyone's time.
so, generally, I don't believe that anyone likes me unless they put forth some sort of effort.
I will absolutely take directness instead of the Fake Nice I used to receive.
after 13 years in the south, I no longer trust people when I meet them.
there were too many times when I had others act nice to me when come to find out they didn't really like me after all and were just around me so they themselves didn't feel "guilty." what a waste of everyone's time.
so, generally, I don't believe that anyone likes me unless they put forth some sort of effort.
I will absolutely take directness instead of the Fake Nice I used to receive.
Gosh. I always like posts like this. Somehow or another, Southerners are uniformly two-faced, and they all talk about you behind your back. We're from Chicago, too, and never have had the first problem making a large number of friends. Could it be something about the way you're dealing with them? After all, there are important cultural differences.
I could say all of this was related to the south but its not. Yes I feel some of that behavior exists in the south, Im not going to say it doesn't. It definitely exists here in Oregon, in fact I think it is much worse than anything I ever saw in the south. In fact I find some of the older people in this area, are the worse I have ever seen for this problem. So I cannot say it is exclusive to the south, there are many nice genuine people there as any place. You get your good and bad with people no matter what region one is in.
I don't know that it's fake as much as it is second nature. For example, I open doors for women. Not trying to be friendly, necessarily, it's just something that's been ingrained over the years. I don't even think about it. I read an anecdote not long ago by a northerner who was traveling through some of the small towns of the south. He stopped into one of these local diners where everyone seems to know everyone and his waitress immediately bombarded him with "sweety" and "darlin" and struck up a conversation. So the meal went on and this guy was really feeling welcome and comfortable. As he left, the waitress told him to come back and visit next time he was in town. A few weeks later, he did just that. The same waitress was there and didn't remember him. He felt hurt because he was expecting a big welcome back, but he didn't get it. She was nice and bubbly like she was before, but when he asked her if she remembered him, she said something like "well, we see a lot of folks traveling through...hard to keep up with all of them." So when you hear stuff like "y'all come back now ya hear?", they probably don't give a flying crap whether you come back or not. It's just something hospitable to say.
Having said that, I do think the south is friendlier to strangers than northerners. I think southerners have a "give me a reason not to like you" attitude while northerners have a "give me a reason to like you" attitude. That may be where this "fake-friendliness" thing is coming from. I don't think it's fake, I think it's just guarded. You'll get the benefit of the doubt from most southerners at first, but if you abuse that, then they'll turn on you and turn fast.
I don't know that it's fake as much as it is second nature. For example, I open doors for women. Not trying to be friendly, necessarily, it's just something that's been ingrained over the years. I don't even think about it. I read an anecdote not long ago by a northerner who was traveling through some of the small towns of the south. He stopped into one of these local diners where everyone seems to know everyone and his waitress immediately bombarded him with "sweety" and "darlin" and struck up a conversation. So the meal went on and this guy was really feeling welcome and comfortable. As he left, the waitress told him to come back and visit next time he was in town. A few weeks later, he did just that. The same waitress was there and didn't remember him. He felt hurt because he was expecting a big welcome back, but he didn't get it. She was nice and bubbly like she was before, but when he asked her if she remembered him, she said something like "well, we see a lot of folks traveling through...hard to keep up with all of them." So when you hear stuff like "y'all come back now ya hear?", they probably don't give a flying crap whether you come back or not. It's just something hospitable to say.
Having said that, I do think the south is friendlier to strangers than northerners. I think southerners have a "give me a reason not to like you" attitude while northerners have a "give me a reason to like you" attitude. That may be where this "fake-friendliness" thing is coming from. I don't think it's fake, I think it's just guarded. You'll get the benefit of the doubt from most southerners at first, but if you abuse that, then they'll turn on you and turn fast.
That is a great post!
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