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My son and his cousins grew up in much the same situation that the OP described. Out of 9 grandchildren, only 3 got attention from their grandmother.
We never pushed the matter but never made excuses for her behavior either. They had lots of Aunts and Uncles that love them equally and luckily that was good enough for them.
Now that they have all grown, they are not close to her and even feel sorry for the three that were and still are being smothered by her.
This is how clueless she is...during my son's 1st deployment she called me angrily and ask me he hadn't called or written to her while he was deployed. I said....did you write to him? (I had provided the mailing address) She sputtered and said no....I just kinda shrugged and said that he's probably waiting to answer YOUR letter. She then tried to make him feel bad for not bringing her something from Kuwait. I reminded her that he wasn't there on summer vacation.
My point being, some g'parents are just clueless. I understand what you're REALLY saying about the babysitting. You just want your kids to know that their g'parents love them.
Give us an update if you get a chance.
I can't even imagine someone expecting a gift from a soldier returning from a war zone. Oh My!
My son and his cousins grew up in much the same situation that the OP described. Out of 9 grandchildren, only 3 got attention from their grandmother.
We never pushed the matter but never made excuses for her behavior either. They had lots of Aunts and Uncles that love them equally and luckily that was good enough for them.
Now that they have all grown, they are not close to her and even feel sorry for the three that were and still are being smothered by her.
This is how clueless she is...during my son's 1st deployment she called me angrily and ask me he hadn't called or written to her while he was deployed. I said....did you write to him? (I had provided the mailing address) She sputtered and said no....I just kinda shrugged and said that he's probably waiting to answer YOUR letter.
She then tried to make him feel bad for not bringing her something from Kuwait. I reminded her that he wasn't there on summer vacation.
My point being, some g'parents are just clueless. I understand what you're REALLY saying about the babysitting. You just want your kids to know that their g'parents love them.
Give us an update if you get a chance.
Granny, my mom is the same way. She said that she keeps waiting to hear from him...wondering how he's been doing, thinking of him and praying for him, but hasn't heard from him. I asked her if she'd lost his ship address. No, it was right there. She keeps it right in her wallet. "Mom, you might want to actually send him a short note, to let HIM know you're thinking of him. He'd love to hear from you and yes, he'd write you back." Mind you, he's actually CALLED her twice, since he's been deployed, but she can't bother to send him a note. Oh well...
I'm a SAHM now with a 2 1/2 year old, a 15 month old and I'm 7 months pregnant, my husband is incredibly supportive and we have a great relationship. My children are not ill behaved in any way, they are very well mannered (for being toddlers) and listen to what you tell them. The problem lies in our families.
My parents both drink way too much and we don't feel comfortable with them watching our kids. Also, neither of us have any close friends or relatives that are available to watch the children... We have thought about care.com, etc. but would hate to leave the kids with a stranger.
My sister in law has 5 kids who have no sense of discipline and refuse to listen to anyone. My husbands parents will watch her kids for 2-3 days at a time, with a moments notice. They always buy them clothes and shoes, bikes and toys (just randomly, not for bdays or anything).... When wesk them to watch my 2 kids (2 weeks in advance even) I always get a answer that eventually leads to a "no". They never think to buy our kids anything... etc. They obviously favor my sister-in-laws kids. The few times they have watched them, they call us at exactly two hours saying we need to pick them up. I am stressed out of my mind because I just want to be able to have a date night where we're not limited to 2 hours on the dot. Now, recently, with having the new baby due in a couple of months, we're worried about who we can leave the kids with while we're giving birth in the hospital. (They watched my first child when I had my second but and everything was okay....)
I need some serious advice but I don't know how to approach it with his parents and my husband doesn't feel like he can say anything either (I think he doesn't know how to go about it). We deserve to have some time together and I take it extremely personally that they won't watch our children. How do I handle this? Our kids LOVE my husbands parents and when we're all together everything is perfect so I don't know what the issue is...
Get a great babysitter before the baby is born. You could ask your sister in law for date night help. Your date nights are not your in-laws responsibility. If two hours is to long for his parents, go on a coffee date for less time. When the kids to bed, make a date night at home.
Have you spoken to his family about watching the children when you give birth? Next birthday party, throw a party and invite the family. Are they ever invited to your home?
I think that it's presumptuous to assume that all grandparents want to babysit - or to be very involved in the lives of their grandchildren.
Some people still have dreams, goals and ambitions after their children give birth. They do not want to be "on call" as babysitters.
My parents were not terribly warm and fuzzy towards my children. However, they are making it up in their contribution towards my children's college education. Given the choice, that is what I'd select.
When the time comes for me to be a grandparent will I be more involved? Absolutely!
However, my identity will not be that of a grandmother.
And, I will not be "on call" when it comes to babysitting.
I keep seeing comments on here about grandparents not being obligated to do ANY babysitting. If you break things down in a very simple way, that's true. But, barring any health problems, work obligations, etc, most loving grandparents actually WANT to watch their grandkids as long as they aren't being asked to do so too often. I do not at all think grandparents should give up their retirement years to be free daycare, but what is wrong with the occasional Saturday night? Every couple friend around us has grandparents who are EAGER to take kids for overnights/roadtrips, help a little buying school clothes. I can say that watching the grandparents shower the other grandkids with time, attention, and help buying stuff for them is frustrating. Especially when we have asked for next to nothing in the 11 yrs 9 mos since the oldest was born.[/
You should see what the grandparents do around here... Not only do they help w/back to school clothes, but they buy Communion dresses, pay for Summer camps or season tickets to nearby popular amusement parks ,etc...
My husband & I are amazed at what people get done for them!
We don't live near our family, but my parents couldn't & wouldn't do any of this.
My parents do what they can when they visit, maybe a movie & dinner with the kids, but that is pretty much it.
They have never offered to take our kids ( or my siblings) for a vacation anywhere and have never offred for my children to stay w/ them during the Summer....
They play w/ them & are loving grandparents but when people say how grandparents spoil their grandchildren, I have to say that my children are not spoiled- at all.
We have suggested that we all rent a beach home or something for a week & they don't want to, but, they go away alot w/ friends and other family ( cousins) , no children though...
Sometimes I have to admit, I wish my parents would do more, BUT, it is their money, their retirement and they are free to do what they want with it and their time.
Some people are just not into kids. My sister has one daughter who was unplanned otherwise she would be childless. Her daughter is now 28 and she has already told me she is in no rush to be a grandmother. I had my granddaughter with me when I visited the other day and my niece's boyfriend was there with his son who is the same age as my g/d (6 years old). My sister complained about the noise they were making the entire time we were there and they weren't even being that loud. If a grandparent knows they don't like the noise and mess that come with little kids, they are well within their right to not babysit.
I think that it's presumptuous to assume that all grandparents want to babysit - or to be very involved in the lives of their grandchildren.
Some people still have dreams, goals and ambitions after their children give birth. They do not want to be "on call" as babysitters.
My parents were not terribly warm and fuzzy towards my children. However, they are making it up in their contribution towards my children's college education. Given the choice, that is what I'd select.
When the time comes for me to be a grandparent will I be more involved? Absolutely!
However, my identity will not be that of a grandmother.
And, I will not be "on call" when it comes to babysitting.
LOL, I've told my son upfront that I am NOT the grandmotherly type. At. All.
I finally have time for me and I plan on doing all the things I couldn't before. I have one dog and hope to get others. I'll take care of baby animals, no problem. But children, not a chance.
He wants to be childfree anyway. I told him to always wear a condom even if the girl professes to be on BC. Too many young girls these days try to trap men with pregnancies, kids etc.
Plus I think I've impressed upon him the serious overpopulation we are dealing with and how it would not be a pretty picture to bring up children in.
Some people are just not into kids. My sister has one daughter who was unplanned otherwise she would be childless. Her daughter is now 28 and she has already told me she is in no rush to be a grandmother. I had my granddaughter with me when I visited the other day and my niece's boyfriend was there with his son who is the same age as my g/d (6 years old). My sister complained about the noise they were making the entire time we were there and they weren't even being that loud. If a grandparent knows they don't like the noise and mess that come with little kids, they are well within their right to not babysit.
This is me lol....also, you should know the correct term is Childfree, not childless. "Childless" implies that something is missing (this term is for those who want, but can't have kids)...Childfree means you choose to not have kids...or Grandkids even. I am Grandchildfree lol
I would consider using care.com or something similar to interview a few people. Then, have them watch the kids while you are still at home one afternoon. You could clean or hang out on your computer - or sit on the couch and watch Dr. Phil while the she plays and cares for the kids. It's kind of a waste of money but it gives you peace of mind. If you feel comfortable, you can have a date night - or start smaller and go grocery shopping by your self for a couple of hours. See how you feel about it when you get back and you can always try to debrief the kids. Then you can go out for a longer date night.
It may be harder for your delivery since it would probably cost a fortune to have the babysitter watch them for two days, but at least you might have that option then.
For the long run, honestly, you need to make some friends. Find a church or temple, join a mommy group, put your kids in Little Gym or something so you can meet some mommies. You need someone you can trade childcare with. Trust me - it's a lifesaver! There is nothing better than being able to call up your mommy free and drop of the kids because you have an emergency dr appointment.
True story: I went on a woman's retreat with our church and really hit it off with one of the women I rode up and back with. Heather has a daughter a year younger than my twins. So, we plan a playdate and she brings her daughter over. She no sooner walks in the door and I am apologizing and asking if she would mind terribly if I had an emergency appointment with the dermatologist. I had developed a horrible yeast rash under my breast and when I emailed a picture to my dermo friend, she said I needed to come in immediately! So, I show poor Heather my terrible rash as proof and run off to the dr! We've been friends for several years now so I guess I didn't scare her too much!
You need friends like this - it's makes like much easier:-)
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