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Excellent advice above. Invite, invite, invite. Is DIL says no then it's on her and she can't complain because you are trying.
We already do. I'll admit to tapering off, because they don't come, but we invite them far more than they invite us over. They just, usually, say no. The normal excuse is about how hard it is to pack up 5 kids.
However, I think I'll up the frequency here. It'll give me something to volley back when she starts in on how her mom takes the kids more.
Nope. I don't ask for help with what I don't need help with. Unreasonable people like ddil are something I need help with. I find unreasonable people difficult to deal with because I don't get them. So much angst over what someone else does/does not do. What a waste. I wouldn't give a rip about ddil except she makes her comments in public. She doesn't have the guts to make them to me in private. She knows I'd rip her a new one.
Ddil falls into that category of people who are just unreasonable. I can tell you her issue. I just don't know how to defuse it. My family isn't like this. She likes to be the center of attention. The whole deal with the schedule wasn't about me seeing the kids. It was about me going out of my way to make her life easier NOT because it needs to be but because, in her mind, that would be an admission that she has it harder than I do. She enjoys pity. Only problem is, I don't pity anyone who is in a situation of their own making. When you make your bed, expect to lie in it.
And yet this thread alone has gone for over 15 pages.
I think that might work wonders.
A few evenings or Sat or Sun afternoons when it would normally just be you, DH and your two daughters, invite all of them (SS, DIL, plus their kids) over to join you. Sort of "kill them with kindness" (many, many invitations).
What may happen is Nov 25 invited them for a family game night & popcorn, they said no.
Dec. 3 invited them for pizza and a DVD at home, they said no
Dec 10 invited them to meet you at DD basketball game, they said no
Dec 15 invited them to walk in your neighborhood looking at Christmas lights & then hot chocolate, they said no
Dec 16 invited them to meet you at DD basketball game, they said no again
Dec 19 invited them to ...
After numerous inviations of the entire family (where they probably say no) DIL may feel too quilty to bug you about "not making an effort." And since they don't follow through you don't have the extra work.
Also, get SS'sFather (DH) to start setting these things up or doing his share of building relationships with his grandchildren. Is his job as demanding as your job? If not, then he really, really, really needs to be stepping up.
You don't have to be a grandma to be an active grandparent. Both my brother and his wife love their grandchildren very much but it is my brother who does most of the actual planning of their visits, hands on playing with the grandchildren, meal planning & cooking when the grandkids visit, reading to them, etc, Grandma is great with driving them, taking them shopping for clothes and taking naps with them but 95% of the actual work & responsibility is grandpa's (my brother's) job. He loves it!
BTW. I asked in an earlier post, What excuse do SS & DIL give when they turn down invitations to family weddings, family graduation parties and family reunions? Are the other relatives upset with them for not attending?
It has varied over the years. It's been anything from we don't like her to she doesn't like us. The family used to ask about her but stopped after she was a no show at dad's funeral (seriously, if you can't be bothered to come to a funeral, what can you be bothered with?). I can't remember the last time anyone asked about them. It would be nice if they came but we've given up on that. I can't even get them to come to dinner at my house let alone an Easter egg hunt.
Dh does not seem bothered by not seeing the grandkids. It bothers me more than it does him. Which is interesting since he has more time.
I like your suggestion. It may work.
Last edited by Ivorytickler; 11-20-2012 at 05:13 PM..
it has varied over the years. It's been anything from we don't like her to she doesn't like us. the family used to ask about her but stopped after she was a no show at dad's funeral (seriously, if you can't be bothered to come to a funeral, what can you be bothered with?). i can't remember the last time anyone asked about them. It would be nice if they came but we've given up on that. I can't even get them to come to dinner at my house let alone an easter egg hunt.
Dh does not seem bothered by not seeing the grandkids. It bothers me more than it does him. Which is interesting since he has more time.
The logic is, and I get it, if dad's funeral wasn't enough to get her to come, nothing will so why bother extending the invitation. She shocked my family into silence on this one.
Dearest, how is the OP rude? And it doesn't matter if most everyone agrees with you, it doesn't make you right. Now, how much effort can the OP make when the effort she CAN make DIL refuses?
Now, what's so hard about that to understand?
I didn't say the OP was rude. I said the DIL was. Maybe you should read more carefully.
There is no solution to this. DIL has set things up so she can make it nearly impossible for OP to spend time with the g/kids - unless it is in keeping with a rigid and preposterous schedule - and on DIL's terms.
DIL enjoys complaining about MIL. She uses the kids as the leverage to give her ammunition to publicly humiliate the OP.
Yet, OP is a mom herself, with her own children to raise, her own household to run, and a career, on top of it.
Sounds to me like DIL is manipulative as all get out and enjoys making everyone else squirm - her way - or NO WAY. And she veils it all behind this BS about "all the children being treated fairly" and "MIL doesn't care enough to bother to give these children individual attention." blah blah blah
I seriously doubt those grandchildren are suffering b/c they dont' see their grandmother often.
They have a relationship with their' mother's mom and it is obvious that is the relationship DIL wishes to promote.
OP should not have to point out how busy her life is. DIL knows this. DIL overlooks that detail b/c it doesn't fit into the narrative she likes to promote about her MIL being a terrible grandmother (something she enjoys pointing out as this elevates her own mother to Sainthood in comparison).
Here's the thing. If son/DIL didn't live nearby, you wouldn't have this situation to deal with. Most folks don't even have g/children that close by. Those g/children that only see their g/parents a few times a year are not suffering, lol.
I would not allow this DIL to have any more of the space in my head, personally. I wouldn't care what she said about me to others, either. I wouldn't give her the opportunity to say anything ugly to me b/c I wouldn't be spending time around her. She obviously wants that! She has worked very diligently at driving OP away. This is a battle I would let her win.
I wouldn't make an effort at all to see her, son or the kids. If DH wants to make plans, fine. If son wants to bring the kids by, fine. I would have husband make all the calls re: any invites.
DIL doesn't treat OP with any respect . . . no one should keep putting themselves in a situation to be treated badly!
If the g/children want to see their g/parents, then they can call and ask to see them. Let grandpa go pick 'em up and take 'em to a movie, lol.
OP: raise your daughters -- enjoy them. If they don't want to babysit, tell them to say NO! If they want to see the family, drop them off to visit.
You are already being described by DIL to others as an uinvolved, uncaring, distant, disengaged and selfish person who isn't interested in being a grandmother. No matter what you do, you will still be labeled as such. So STOP DOING ANYTHING. The bad press won't be any worse than it is RIGHT NOW!
There is no solution to this. DIL has set things up so she can make it nearly impossible for OP to spend time with the g/kids - unless it is in keeping with a rigid and preposterous schedule - and on DIL's terms.
DIL enjoys complaining about MIL. She uses the kids as the leverage to give her ammunition to publicly humiliate the OP.
Yet, OP is a mom herself, with her own children to raise, her own household to run, and a career, on top of it.
Sounds to me like DIL is manipulative as all get out and enjoys making everyone else squirm - her way - or NO WAY. And she veils it all behind this BS about "all the children being treated fairly" and "MIL doesn't care enough to bother to give these children individual attention." blah blah blah
I seriously doubt those grandchildren are suffering b/c they dont' see their grandmother often.
They have a relationship with their' mother's mom and it is obvious that is the relationship DIL wishes to promote.
OP should not have to point out how busy her life is. DIL knows this. DIL overlooks that detail b/c it doesn't fit into the narrative she likes to promote about her MIL being a terrible grandmother (something she enjoys pointing out as this elevates her own mother to Sainthood in comparison).
Here's the thing. If son/DIL didn't live nearby, you wouldn't have this situation to deal with. Most folks don't even have g/children that close by. Those g/children that only see their g/parents a few times a year are not suffering, lol.
I would not allow this DIL to have any more of the space in my head, personally. I wouldn't care what she said about me to others, either. I wouldn't give her the opportunity to say anything ugly to me b/c I wouldn't be spending time around her. She obviously wants that! She has worked very diligently at driving OP away. This is a battle I would let her win.
I wouldn't make an effort at all to see her, son or the kids. If DH wants to make plans, fine. If son wants to bring the kids by, fine. I would have husband make all the calls re: any invites.
DIL doesn't treat OP with any respect . . . no one should keep putting themselves in a situation to be treated badly!
If the g/children want to see their g/parents, then they can call and ask to see them. Let grandpa go pick 'em up and take 'em to a movie, lol.
OP: raise your daughters -- enjoy them. If they don't want to babysit, tell them to say NO! If they want to see the family, drop them off to visit.
You are already being described by DIL to others as an uinvolved, uncaring, distant, disengaged and selfish person who isn't interested in being a grandmother. No matter what you do, you will still be labeled as such. So STOP DOING ANYTHING. The bad press won't be any worse than it is RIGHT NOW!
This is one of the best responses that I have ever read on CD. Thank you for your input.
Ivory, you may have gotten just about every response possible, except I haven't seen anyone suggest that you just call your dil out on this directly. If you do go over to her house and comments are made, start tearing them down with logic. Ask her if she understands the difference between your schedule and her mother's. Go on about your schedule in detail, talk about your children's schedules,etc.,etc. ad nauseum. I guarantee it would be the last time she would say something. If you really want to visit without hearing her complaints then get it out on the table once and for all. I think sometimes to extinguish a problem like that you have to confront it head on. Logic trumps passive/aggressive every time!
Ivory, you may have gotten just about every response possible, except I haven't seen anyone suggest that you just call your dil out on this directly. If you do go over to her house and comments are made, start tearing them down with logic. Ask her if she understands the difference between your schedule and her mother's. Go on about your schedule in detail, talk about your children's schedules,etc.,etc. ad nauseum. I guarantee it would be the last time she would say something. If you really want to visit without hearing her complaints then get it out on the table once and for all. I think sometimes to extinguish a problem like that you have to confront it head on. Logic trumps passive/aggressive every time!
Probably some of the best advice in this thread so far. Hopefully the OP considers it.
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