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These kinds of situations drive me insane. Why on earth do people believe that everyone should live by their own personal desires? It's ridiculous.
Who is the daughter in law to keep score and point out that the other grandparent is not keeping up? What is that about? It's juvenile. If grandma wants to spend her summer vacation traveling or meditating in the yard, who is anyone to say there's something wrong with that? She has pretty regular contact with the kids and the daughter in law is whining that it's no enough. Someone needs to tell her to grow up.
Life is way too short to get stressed out and worked up over drama. Come to where I live and see the devastation from the hurricane and you'll know what I mean. We have people sleeping on air mattresses here with nowhere to go and wearing borrowed clothes.
Don't stress over the daughter in law. Tell her to get some perspective and be thankful that she has two grandparents that spend time with her kids.
I don't know when we became so selfish we started expecting others to live by our rules and cater to us but we've been doing it for a while.
I agree on being glad the kids have grandparents around. My mom died before any of her grandkids were born. My dad before my kids were born. I was so glad to still have my step parents in the situation that I made it a point to take the kids to visit them because I wanted them to have a relationship with them. It never crossed my mind that they weren't doing enough for me.
I also agree on life being short. I'm just going to do what fits for me to do and she can just deal with it.
Actually, no. I'm not the one making demands of her. It is she who is making them of me. I'm just refusing to give in to her demands. While I'd like it if they visited us, I'm ok with them choosing not to. It's their life and their choice. I only point out that they don't to show that this is very one sided. We continue to invite them. They just don't come or dss comes with the kids and ddil stays home. What I don't like is being told I'm not living up to their standard. The only person's standard I have to live up to is mine.
By we, I meant society at large. This is a common problem.
As to having 5 kids over, maybe YOU can but this is not my cup of tea by any means. I stopped at two for a reason. I've never developed the skill set needed to wrangle 5 kids at once because I never needed to. So I'm not doing 5 at a time. It was your choice to have 5 kids and you got used to them one by one and figured out how to make 5 work. I've never done that.
To me, 5 kids at once is too much like work and not something I'd care to do on any kind of regular basis (I'll do it if they're in a pinch and need a sitter but that's about it). I'd rather enjoy them than feel like I have to herd them. This is part of the problem. If I take them for individual visits, we're talking taking each one twice a year. IMO, it makes more sense for me to just visit them at home more often where mom is there to herd them.
There were six of us and we were NEVER at grandmas at the same time. Mom always told us grandma was old and couldn't handle 6 kids at once even though she raised 11. I appreciate that now. I don't have the energy to run around with/after 5 kids at one time. More power to you if you do. I don't and I never developed the skill set to deal with 5 younger kids at once.
This is sad to me because your grand kids are ultimately the ones who will suffer, not your dil, when they are old enough to see that you really aren't that interested in developing relationships with them. No one is saying that you need to babysit them or even spend a lot of time with them but to hear you say, 5 is too many for an occasional movie night and one at a time also doesn't work, all I'm hearing is excuses for why you won't put in any effort to develop a relationship with them. I understand that you are busy but to never invite them over or to do things just seems extreme when you live a couple of miles away from them.
This is sad to me because your grand kids are ultimately the ones who will suffer, not your dil, when they are old enough to see that you really aren't that interested in developing relationships with them. No one is saying that you need to babysit them or even spend a lot of time with them but to hear you say, 5 is too many for an occasional movie night and one at a time also doesn't work, all I'm hearing is excuses for why you won't put in any effort to develop a relationship with them. I understand that you are busy but to never invite them over or to do things just seems extreme when you live a couple of miles away from them.
No, they won't "suffer."
Yes, 5 kids IS too many when you're STILL raising 2 of your own.
You're obviously not reading what the OP is stating. Excuses? Because she won't bow to the DIL's DEMANDS??? She just stated in her last post that they are invited to visit, yet above you state she never does.
And DIL is NOT asking for an "occasional" night with all 5 kids (which is unreasonable in itself). She wants a REGULAR schedule (at least once a week, if I remember correctly) so she can "have a break." Well, it's NOT the OP's responsibility, nor any grandparent's for that matter. Let the DIL hire a sitter.
Here's the last thread about this same topic. According to that thread, the grandkids were home last summer and you were off work and you still couldn't make time for them. Why is that?
How do you know? They have a grandma who lives a couple of miles away yet never invites them over or to do anything. That is something that most kids would notice at some point or another.
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Yes, 5 kids IS too many when you're STILL raising 2 of your own.
Of course it is, no one is saying otherwise but the two kids who the OP are raising are the aunts to those 5 grandchildren and I really don't see the huge deal of popping some popcorn one night every few months and inviting the grand kids over. Sure, it may be stressful but sometimes you have to put your family before you and an occasional movie night will not detract from the OP's regular day to day life with her job and her daughters. The OP's daughters, the grandkids aunts can be at movie night and help wrangle all of those kids.
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You're obviously not reading what the OP is stating. Excuses? Because she won't bow to the DIL's DEMANDS??? She just stated in her last post that they are invited to visit, yet above you state she never does.
No. I've read enough of the OP's threads over the years about her DIL. The dynamic between them is a two way street and both the DIL and the OP play a role in the unhealthy dynamics.
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And DIL is NOT asking for an "occasional" night with all 5 kids (which is unreasonable in itself). She wants a REGULAR schedule (at least once a week, if I remember correctly) so she can "have a break." Well, it's NOT the OP's responsibility, nor any grandparent's for that matter. Let the DIL hire a sitter.
Who cares what DIL is asking for. That's my point. The OP should not bow to her DIL's demands but she could express an interest in her grandchildren by doing what works for her and to hear that even an occasional day other then birthdays and holidays with them is too much sounds like a cop out.
I agree 100% with Dorthy. It isn't that she "can't", it's that she doesn't "want" to. The DIL knows this. The kids will figure it out if they haven't already. I remember the previous thread. At the time, there was a whole summer off work, and no mention of the SS and DIL going away for the summer. Only the excuse that the OP didn't want to start something she couldn't continue when school started up again. That is why the DIL is upset. Because Ivory could choose to spend time with them during the summer, but she doesn't want to. We suggested 1 or 2 at a time. We suggested all 5 at once. All we heard back were excuses. Ivory doesn't want to spend time with her grand kids. The price for that is dealing with her DIL's remarks.
This is sad to me because your grand kids are ultimately the ones who will suffer, not your dil, when they are old enough to see that you really aren't that interested in developing relationships with them. No one is saying that you need to babysit them or even spend a lot of time with them but to hear you say, 5 is too many for an occasional movie night and one at a time also doesn't work, all I'm hearing is excuses for why you won't put in any effort to develop a relationship with them. I understand that you are busy but to never invite them over or to do things just seems extreme when you live a couple of miles away from them.
As I've said before, I do not have time during the school year. I teach chemistry. I work 12 hour days. I have two kids of my own still at home. What time I have is theirs. During the summer, when I'm off, I'd love to pack up a couple of kids and take them to the beach but they spend the summer at their summer cottage in another state so they're not here.
It is what it is. I don't get why people think I'm supposed to run myself ragged to accomodate the fact they chose to have a large family. Two or three grandkids, I can handle. More than that isn't a visit or fun. It's work. I have watched four at a time before and that was enough. I'm not even trying 5.
Do the grandkids lose. Yes. But I can't manufacture time I don't have, change who I am or change the situation. IMO, the solution is they come visit us as often as we go visit them WITH their parents present so the adults aren't outnumbered by the kids.
Please note that ddil's mom NEVER takes all 5. She, usually, takes them one at a time. On rare occaision, two at a time. Why am I beling lambasted for not wanting to do sleep overs with all 5 kids at once (never mind I don't have sleeping arrangements for 5 extra kids or a car I can fit them all in or car seats for the three youngest or toys for them to play with when they get here....).
Dss and ddil chose to have so many kids that it is difficult for someone else to take them all at one time. That was their choice. That being the case, I think visiting is more in order than taking 5 kids at a time who I can't even legally transport with my own kids in the vehicle (I guess we can put them in a crate and strap them to the roof ....) I don't mind them being around. We invite them to dinner several times a year. They just don't come. They claim it's too much of a hassle to pack up five kids...yet posters here think it should not be too much of a hassle for me. Yes, going to get 5 kids for the night is too much of a hassle. That is something I would only do in an emergency situation where they needed someone to take the kids. It's not something I would enjoy.
I am not doing 5 kids at once. Period. ESPECIALLY during the school year. I'm with ddil's mom on this one. One or two at a time is fine. My problem is I can only to that 3 or 4 times during the school year. During the summer would be a different story. There's actually quite a lot to do near us. We have two parks nearby and a pool and I make regular trips to the beach as well as to several local fairs. But they're not here during the summer.
I wasn't particularly close to either of my grandmas. One was older and already had 8 grand kids before I was born. My mom worked. Grandma lived an hour away. I wish we had spent more time together when I was a kid. The other one lived a 1/2 mile away and just wasn't super interested. I am so thankful that both my in-laws and my parents choose to be involved, even though they live 1000 miles away. I have a cousin with 5 kids, and her parents are quite involved too. Very thankful for that.
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I'm just refusing to give in to her demands. While I'd like it if they visited us, I'm ok with them choosing not to. It's their life and their choice. I only point out that they don't to show that this is very one sided. We continue to invite them. They just don't come or dss comes with the kids and ddil stays home. What I don't like is being told I'm not living up to their standard. The only person's standard I have to live up to is mine.
No, they won't "suffer."
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