Grandparents who do nothing and want everything? (gifts, kids, old)
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I have a son and my parents are always there for my husband and I. Anytime i need help she there if she believes im stressed shes there. I never have to ask. However, if i call my in-laws they are always busy going somewhere. I also believe they play favoritism with my sister in-laws kids. When Christmas or thanksgiving comes around they want us there. I think my parents have priority. Am i wrong?
I have a son and my parents are always there for my husband and I. Anytime i need help she there if she believes im stressed shes there. I never have to ask. However, if i call my in-laws they are always busy going somewhere. I also believe they play favoritism with my sister in-laws kids. When Christmas or thanksgiving comes around they want us there. I think my parents have priority. Am i wrong?
I suggest that you separate the issues of "helping/babysitting/"being there" with holiday celebrations.
Decide what is fair and responsible with celebrating holidays with families and do that.
Depending on the distance make a plan and stick to it. Here are some things that have worked out for various friends and relatives of mine.
Alternate years, one year celebrate Thanksgiving at husband's family and Christmas with wife's family and switch the next year. This is what most of my friends did when they had young children.
Or, have Thanksgiving dinner with one family and have dessert at the other parent's house and at Christmas have the main meal with the other family and dessert (or a few hours) at the other families house.
Have ALL holidays at your house and invite both sets of grandparents.
OR celebrate Thanksgiving and Christmas with your own immediate family (you and your husband and children) and no other family members. You would be surprised how many families do it this way. That way you are creating traditions and memories with your family.
Celebrate the holidays on different days with each family. Two "Thanksgivings" and two "Christmases" but not on the actual dates or switch actual and real dates between families. A lot of people do this as well.
Whatever you do don't decide because of "money or services rendered", Grandma & Grandpa Smith gave us a $500 check & paid for our season opera tickets so we need to spend Thanksgiving AND Christmas with them. OR, Grandma & Grandpa Jones came to help us when Little Angel had the Chicken Pox and when Little Speedracer had the flu and when we went to movies in July so we need to spend Thanksgiving AND Christmas with them. Doesn't that just sound wrong?
You're keeping score? As long as your in-laws aren't destructive to your family, there's no reason you can't celebrate holidays with them. Make plans that'll fit your family and stick to them.
I agree with Germaine. Decide on a fair division at the holidays. Let your son have whatever relationship he can with both sets of grands.
Accept that your in laws are not as close to you as your own parents are, but your husband and son are in this along with you.
And keeping score in a relationship is not attractive. For your son's and husband's sakes, don't gripe about your in laws. It is what it is. What if they were horribly intrusive? Really, it could be worse.
Consider also that your inlaws might not be good with young children, but will do better when your kids are older. That's how it is in my family, except it is my mom who isnt good with the little ones. Now that my kids are older and mom can tAke them golfing, shopping, theatre, etc. she is much better with them.
You will be a lot happier if you stop comparing what they are or are not doing for others in the family.
You should be concerned only with your immediate family. These are your inlaws, not your parents. Luckily, your mom can be there for you - "always." For whatever reasons, your inlaws aren't. That is the way it is. No reason to demonize them or concentrate on noticing what they are or aren't doing with others, whether family members or friends.
I don't feel it is my responsibility to "be there always" for any family member. I have my own life and I would never give the impression that I am going to always be available for emergencies, last minute babysitting, etc. Does that make me a bad person? I don't think so! I don't call on others to "step up" for me but rarely, either . . . and when I do, it is b/c we have a longstanding reciprocal arrangement and know the other person is comfortable being called on at the last minute -- and I do the same for them.
Once adult children start their own families, they need to create a support system so they do have folks to call on, whether paid babysitters, friends they reciprocate with, or family. By now, you should know who is going to be available at the last minute and who isn't. Fill in with a robust list of babysitters and run your household without depending on folks who have not signed up for 24/7 availability.
It is what it is -- work it out and don't make an issue out of who is doing what for whom and when. It isn't your business -- your business is taking care of your family without creating drama.
I have a son and my parents are always there for my husband and I. Anytime i need help she there if she believes im stressed shes there. I never have to ask. However, if i call my in-laws they are always busy going somewhere. I also believe they play favoritism with my sister in-laws kids. When Christmas or thanksgiving comes around they want us there. I think my parents have priority. Am i wrong?
Oh that is a hard one, In laws are always hard to deal with and it seems like your in-laws treat you like a daughter where your own parents kind of stay separate. Your parents have Priority to you but your husbands parents have priority with him. I know most people will do one holiday with one set of parents and another holiday with the other. I would make a schedule sometimes it is better that way nothing is forced and both sets of parents get equal time with you and the family.
I get what you guys are saying. However, even when my husband ask them for anything they say no to him as well. However, no matter what my sister-in-laws ask they are there. Even for Christmas my son was upset because his cousin got a bunch of gifts and he got only one. My parents always made sure everything is even between us and my siblings kids. I also find my parents are offended when i don't spend holidays with them.
I get what you guys are saying. However, even when my husband ask them for anything they say no to him as well. However, no matter what my sister-in-laws ask they are there. Even for Christmas my son was upset because his cousin got a bunch of gifts and he got only one. My parents always made sure everything is even between us and my siblings kids.
I also find my parents are offended when i don't spend holidays with them.
Sorry to be sarcastic but how old are your parents?
Even most preschoolers realize that to be fair everyone needs to take turns.
Or do your parents expect you to spend the holidays with them and your husband to spend the holidays with his parents and your children to go to a homeless shelter?
None of the grandparents want to hear that the kids wont be with them my parents and his parents.
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