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This was kind of my point, I guess, that the things being brought up are not important, but the motive might be.
As for my stepson, his mother, who let him down as a child, married a rich guy and so they had a beach house in the summer, which my son was "able" to find time to visit. I guess if his Dad and I, just regular schumcks who worked hard to raise him, could afford lavish beach houses, we would get more attention too.
I'm inclined to agree with the other posters. You seem very quick to dismiss the things she mentions as either "made up", "never important" or just "stupid stuff". Your daughter is 50 years old and apparently sees enough significance in these memories to bring them up so many years later. I'm guessing(just guessing) that she may harbor some resentment towards you because she believes you never seriously considered her feelings. How might you feel if someone took something you cherished and sold it in a garage sale?
It also seems that you resent your stepson having a meaningful relationship with his mother. I think if you put your personal feelings aside(jealousy in particular), you may realize this is a positive thing, despite the mistakes she's made in the past. And I have to wonder if maybe your stepson doesn't share your opinion of your husband as a father.
This was kind of my point, I guess, that the things being brought up are not important, but the motive might be.
As for my stepson, his mother, who let him down as a child, married a rich guy and so they had a beach house in the summer, which my son was "able" to find time to visit. I guess if his Dad and I, just regular schumcks who worked hard to raise him, could afford lavish beach houses, we would get more attention too.
You and my father would have a lot in common....I don't have anything to do with him either. He also makes the claim that he never did anything wrong and that I 'don't remember that correctly'.....even when multiple family members back me up.
You dismiss things your children are bring up as 'irrelevant' or that they are ungrateful. I wouldn't want to deal with that as an adult now either as you seem negative and revisionist. Adults just aren't a captive audience.
I've been thinking about this for awhile and I need to vent. My oldest child is approaching 50, and many times she reports about something in her childhood that I did, that seems made up, and its never good. It is never important things, but things that read to me as a dig. Like I sold her favorite book at a garage sale, or I made her change out of jeans for a family portrait, even though the pants didn't show, for example. Stupid stuff, that seems to be a symptom of deeper resentment.
The latest thing that set me off is, lately my step son, who we raised from the age of 12, because his mother had the maternal instincts of a box of rocks, through all the challenging years, is practically nominating his mother for sainthood on Facebook, and can't even make it to our house to see his father one time in four years. His father, my husband, has always been a devoted father.
Thankfully, our two other boys do not do these things, so I feel pretty good about our parenting over the years. Like Oprah said, "If we could have done better, we would have done better", and we weren't perfect, but we had a normal loving household. I can't believe how much I'm stewing about this.
Your daughters perception of events is her reality. The events she shared with you, have meaning to her, yet you discount them as "never important things" and "stupid stuff." Your version of a "normal loving household" differs from what your daughter remembers growing up in your household, and that might be why you are stewing over it.
This was kind of my point, I guess, that the things being brought up are not important, but the motive might be.
As for my stepson, his mother, who let him down as a child, married a rich guy and so they had a beach house in the summer, which my son was "able" to find time to visit. I guess if his Dad and I, just regular schumcks who worked hard to raise him, could afford lavish beach houses, we would get more attention too.
Come on, its his mom. I am a step mom too, to boys who I raised from much younger and whose mother was abusive. They are adults now and developing a fairly good relationship with their mom. It stings a bit...but they need it. I suspect it will be a hard lesson when she turns on them again. But they have to play it out with her. The relationship there is very complex, and will take a long time to resolve...if they ever do.
Just respect this is his mother and he needs to run the course of feelings with her.
This issue comes up with my mother a lot. She has a very rosy view of the past. Honestly, I think there's some clinical mental illness at play there. Definitely depression, etc. The other day she admitted to me that she pretty much doesn't remember a stretch of years in my older teen years / young adult years. (Specifically, those were the days when our relationship deteriorated and never recovered.) She wants to brush over those awful, awful years as if they never happened, and can't understand why I'm "so negative".
Also, I agree with the PP - you shouldn't feel offended that your stepson is spending time with his mother. It sounds very odd that you're basically saying he's shallow and he's only going there because it's a beach house. You seem to be assuming very negative traits about him. At least that's what it seems like from your posts. There might be more info you're not letting on, but if I had a person in my life who questioned my motives like that, I wouldn't want to spend much time with them either...
Of course, it's a different situation seeing as how you raised him pretty much and I can understand you feeling hurt and defensive. Heck, I get baffled when my husband chooses to spend time with his mother, who treated him in... less than stellar ways as he grew up. I can't imagine how I would feel if I had been his stepmother. But, it's still his relationship that he has to work out with her. It's not a blow to me that he spends time with her. And it's not a blow to you that your stepson spends time with his mother.
This was kind of my point, I guess, that the things being brought up are not important, but the motive might be.
But they were important to her. Maybe making her change out of jeans for a photo, to her, meant that she wasn't good enough. Maybe selling a book was meaningless to you, but meant a lot to her. By dismissing these things you are doing it all over again.
This sounds a lot like things my mom used to do. Even though I hung out with good kids, stayed out of trouble, went to college, got a good job, married a nice guy, my mom had a way of making me feel like nothing I ever did was good enough. Then if I ever brought it up, she dismissed my feelings. It caused quite a bit of harm to our relationship. Somehow all the good that I did wasn't enough, if I didn't keep the house clean enough, or dared to get a small tattoo, or did or said anything to make our family appear less than perfect.
Sounds to me like she wants an apology and I think you should give it to her. Mayb e they weren't a big deal to you but obviously those actions hurt her, so admit you didn't realize that you were being hurtful, that you made mistakes. It's perfectly ok to make those mistakes and acknowledge them with an apology, certainly your daughter can understand that no one is a perfect parent all the time.
I don't see anything the OP posted as being a major incident. At the age of 50, the daughter should have gotten over it. Is there no statute of limitations for parental errors?
I don't see anything the OP posted as being a major incident. At the age of 50, the daughter should have gotten over it. Is there no statute of limitations for parental errors?
On isolated events, sure. Not when it is part of a pattern that ends up causing life-long emotional distress. The events obviously meant something to the daughter or she wouldn't be bringing them up.
The most likely scenario is that each person remembers the event differently, it impacted each person differently. Neither is right nor wrong, but the repercussions are different.
My recollections and my mother's are most certainly different on some key events in my life. That would be fine but for her insistence that said events have little importance. They may not have for her, especially with the revisionist spin, but to me some of them were very important and have impacted my adult life.
OP what I would suggest if you wish to nurture a strong relationship with your daughter is to really LISTEN to what she is saying, suck it up, and apologize for how your responses made her feel.
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