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OP I would offer apologies or the slights that she harps on, so you both can move on. It obviously bothers her. I would let her know that you love her and did the best that you could. Everyone makes mistakes.
I would even find out the name of the book and replace it. That would be very sweet. maybe give it to her children. :-)
Status:
"It's WARY, or LEERY (weary means tired)"
(set 23 days ago)
Location: A Yankee in northeast TN
16,149 posts, read 21,299,413 times
Reputation: 43949
Also I think that selling your kids favorite book at a yard sale is maybe not that trivial. How would you feel to come home and find out that while you were at work your SO donated your favorite purse or pair of shoes to the local charity without asking you, and then dismissed your feelings about it as not a big deal?
It's good that your boys will complain if they have an issue...for many....that just isn't an option when growing up.
The book and pants are just part of the whole thing....it's something concrete that can be pointed to (even if the OP dismisses it).....parents like this are the "death of a thousand paper cuts". No one thing seems all that big....but they add up...and eventually the blood loss is too much....especially when none of them are acknowledged.
No....the daughter has had adversity in her life...starting with her mother. It's really dismissive of you to think otherwise. You really need to watch that.
Says you?
Maybe I'm fortunate in that I have no lingering hurts from childhood. Or, maybe I'm just more mature than the OP's daughter, in that I recognize my parents did the best they could.
I'm done here, it seems I'm in the minority. I wish you the best OP.
Maybe I'm fortunate in that I have no lingering hurts from childhood. Or, maybe I'm just more mature than the OP's daughter, in that I recognize my parents did the best they could.
I'm done here, it seems I'm in the minority. I wish you the best OP.
I guess I will join you in the minority. Reading this post made me think of my older sister that is almost 50. She does the same thing with my mother. Sure we didnt have the best childhood and my mom made mistakes. There are things that stung that happened to me as well but I got over it. My sister continues to dwell on it. My mother has acknowledged and apologized, this seem stop pacify my sister short term but is always looking for a problem. She wants to have tension.
So I guess my question to the OP is, has this just started or has your daughter always been this way?
Maybe I'm fortunate in that I have no lingering hurts from childhood. Or, maybe I'm just more mature than the OP's daughter, in that I recognize my parents did the best they could.
I'm done here, it seems I'm in the minority. I wish you the best OP.
I think I've changed my opinion on this. Mattie makes a good point. The behavior from the daughter does seem awfully juvenile for a 50 year old woman. Parenting is challenging, all of us are going to make mistakes, say and do things that we shouldn't have. When you're under the stress of trying to raise several kids, manage a household, work two jobs, pay the mortgage or whatever else, these things are relatively petty from an adult perspective. When you become an adult, you should recognize that. At the end of the day, we're not talking about an abusive or neglectful situation here. It's a bit unfair to bring these things up so many years later.
I believe the OP when she says she did the best she could, and I think the daughter should keep in mind how many sacrifices the OP likely had to make so that she could have the childhood she was provided.
I notice one thing, whether you think the daughter's feelings are justified or not, no one here seems to think the daughter's stories aren't true, like the op does.
I notice one thing, whether you think the daughter's feelings are justified or not, no one here seems to think the daughter's stories aren't true, like the op does.
I guess people that don't deal with this can't se what a huge difference that makes.
I think I've changed my opinion on this. Mattie makes a good point. The behavior from the daughter does seem awfully juvenile for a 50 year old woman. Parenting is challenging, all of us are going to make mistakes, say and do things that we shouldn't have. When you're under the stress of trying to raise several kids, manage a household, work two jobs, pay the mortgage or whatever else, these things are relatively petty from an adult perspective. When you become an adult, you should recognize that. At the end of the day, we're not talking about an abusive or neglectful situation here. It's a bit unfair to bring these things up so many years later.
I believe the OP when she says she did the best she could, and I think the daughter should keep in mind how many sacrifices the OP likely had to make so that she could have the childhood she was provided.
The daughters hurt is probably like the death by a thousand cuts. Each "cut" is very small, but they add up to major trauma. I think the mom should make amends for the slights so they can move past the issue. If her child is in her fifties, time is running out for the OP. A good conversation could do a great deal to fix their relationship.
The daughters hurt is probably like the death by a thousand cuts. Each "cut" is very small, but they add up to major trauma. I think the mom should make amends for the slights so they can move past the issue. If her child is in her fifties, time is running out for the OP. A good conversation could do a great deal to fix their relationship.
I agree they need to have a conversation. I also think at 50 years old, the daughter should be mature enough to broach the subject directly rather than make subtle snide remarks.
In this instance, as the OP has described, it looks like a case where the daughter disagreed with her mother's judgment on some occasions. These weren't malicious acts. She didn't humiliate her daughter, call her names or deprive her of necessities. I just have to wonder where it all ends. "You didn't let me go to that party when I was 13" Is that a cut? "You didn't buy me the dress I wanted" Is that a cut?
Is it fair to harbor resentment against a parent, not because they deliberately hurt you, but simply because you disagreed with a decision they made? I really don't think so.
Status:
"It's WARY, or LEERY (weary means tired)"
(set 23 days ago)
Location: A Yankee in northeast TN
16,149 posts, read 21,299,413 times
Reputation: 43949
Quote:
Originally Posted by The Mysterious Benefactor
I agree they need to have a conversation. I also think at 50 years old, the daughter should be mature enough to broach the subject directly rather than make subtle snide remarks.
In this instance, as the OP has described, it looks like a case where the daughter disagreed with her mother's judgment on some occasions. These weren't malicious acts. She didn't humiliate her daughter, call her names or deprive her of necessities. I just have to wonder where it all ends. "You didn't let me go to that party when I was 13" Is that a cut? "You didn't buy me the dress I wanted" Is that a cut?
Is it fair to harbor resentment against a parent, not because they deliberately hurt you, but simply because you disagreed with a decision they made? I really don't think so.
We don't have the whole story, but it sounds to me as though the daughter may harbor resentment because her mother was dismissive of her feelings. Mother trivializes the incidents as not important.
Maybe I'm odd but I happen to know what my daughters favorite book was as a child and it would never have occurred to me to get rid of it without asking her (she's in her twenties now and that book still sits on her bookshelf, lol). IMO that just sends a message to your child that they are unimportant, unworthy of consideration. I can see how that could fester, especially if it was a message that was repeated over and over with numerous small acts of that sort.
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