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She needs to call before visiting, and when she does you can mention your weekly plans and when would be the best DAY to visit. You might also suggest to her that you want to join .. . some volunteer group. . . something ... knitting? And if she is interested she can come along. Do an activity together and she can help with the kid. Visit the library together. That's a place where it's nice to have an extra set of hands. Or tell her you'll meet her for lunch and if the kid behaves, brief window shopping afterwards.
Go visit her with your child. Then you can limit the visits and how long you stay. It sounds like she doesn't have enough to keep her busy. That's why I mentioned learning a new skill or volunteering with her. Get her out and doing something and she'll have an interest that'll take her away from the baby.
If she's taking over now, it'll get worse when the kid is older.
How about every time she comes over, ask her to do the laundry and run to the grocery store for you, then take the baby into your bedroom and close the door.
I disagree with the hiding behind locked doors, not answering the phone, lying about being out, etc. Lousy way to live and you are also tip toeing around all the time. You need to get the "discussion" over with. I think it would be good if both you and your husband talked to her. She would know that you are on the same page. It might be uncomfortable but if done in a loving way she should understand. Simply tell the truth. You love her visits but you also need some time on your own.
But sometimes discussing things doesn't work. She did say her husband talked with her.
There's been quite a few conversations we've had with our oldest on one subject and he's never ever given us a straight answer. He's had plenty of opportunity, too. It was the subject of having his two older kids visit us. I don't want to get into that topic and take away from this thread. But over the years we've offered and talked and never gotten anywhere.
So yeah sometimes talking it out doesn't always work. Not to where you want a resolve.
It may get to the point of what happened with my aunt and her daughter-in-law. My aunt was only welcomed into their home after phoning first and getting approval. No showing up unannounced. It really upset my aunt. I don't know if she ever got over it.
I will say that parents respect you more when you stand up to them, even if it's something they don't want to hear.
Practice asserting yourself and learning how to express what you want and don't want in a calm manner. Think of words you could use to politely express your feelings to you MIL and practice saying them.
You are an adult now...time to speak up for yourself and express your own needs. If you don't learn to express them, you won't get what you want. No doubt your MIL has learned this for herself, and she naturally expects you to do the same.
I think her behavior is beyond something you can address passive-aggressively. She needs to be told by your husband that she is over too much, and needs to keep it to whatever you are comfortable with (1 hour/day, 3 days/week, or whatever). If she doesn't, stop answering the phone and stop answering the door.
I realize this is a sensitive topic and i realize that there are tons of grandparents on here that would love nothing more than to see their grandkids everyday of the week. But my problem isn’t grandparents visiting or playing with the baby too often. I think it’s great if family is over and plays with baby a few hours a day.
But my MIL is taking it too far. She is entitled and views baby as her baby. She comes over several times and will stay for 8/9 hours at a time. There’s only so many naps and errands I can do. I don’t like sitting around while she plays mom. She completely takes over every aspect of childcare aside from breastfeeding. I feel like she crossed the line from grandparent to parent. I’m also on leave and don’t need full time “help”.
I’m not great at confrontations. How can I make it clear I want her to play with baby and not parent baby? I have set boundaries such as no baths and no overnights. I don’t want to hear the same advice every single visit. It gets annoying. DH has spoken with her but nothing has changed. I would love her around if she would just drop the entitlement.
Please don’t tell me I should feel lucky. It’s not help if it’s not wanted. I have plenty of family on both sides who visit baby often but they don’t overstay their welcome or cross boundaries.
You need to not let anyone view your baby as her baby. These are VERY important bonding times. Whatever gets your mind around the specialness of this time...sacred times, holy times with your your your baby.
You need to not have someone staying most of the daytime while you are setting up your new mom life.
You should not sit around while someone else plays mom.
You should not have someone taking over every aspect of childcare.
How can you make this clear?
Put in your heart your family life is being eroded and damaged to some degree. Fight against this. Defend your special sacred time. There will be lots more confrontations coming in the next decades so you have to stop worrying about people getting mad or saying their feelings are hurt. Your concern is your baby and you...and dad as far as he honors baby and your relationship.
If your MIL has ready access, change the locks and say you were concerned about security.
Here's a tip. Get in your mind a few handy phrases. And repeat them. Any "but I don't see..." from MIL....repeat the phrase. And "Why can't I...", repeat the phrase. "Why do you...", repeat. "I always..." repeat. Maybe different tone. Maybe a word different...BUT no more lax than the firm original phrase. No further sentences. That can keep you focused on being strong for your relationship with your baby.
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