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I realize this is a sensitive topic and i realize that there are tons of grandparents on here that would love nothing more than to see their grandkids everyday of the week. But my problem isn’t grandparents visiting or playing with the baby too often. I think it’s great if family is over and plays with baby a few hours a day.
But my MIL is taking it too far. She is entitled and views baby as her baby. She comes over several times and will stay for 8/9 hours at a time. There’s only so many naps and errands I can do. I don’t like sitting around while she plays mom. She completely takes over every aspect of childcare aside from breastfeeding. I feel like she crossed the line from grandparent to parent. I’m also on leave and don’t need full time “help”.
I’m not great at confrontations. How can I make it clear I want her to play with baby and not parent baby? I have set boundaries such as no baths and no overnights. I don’t want to hear the same advice every single visit. It gets annoying. DH has spoken with her but nothing has changed. I would love her around if she would just drop the entitlement.
Please don’t tell me I should feel lucky. It’s not help if it’s not wanted. I have plenty of family on both sides who visit baby often but they don’t overstay their welcome or cross boundaries.
Keep it simple. She doesn't sound like the kind of person who would respond to a talk about "boundaries," so don't bother.
Does she have a key to your house or do you open the door and let her in? Assuming she's ringing the doorbell, my advice to you is every time you don't feel like having uninvited company for 8-9 hours, don't open the door. And if she calls your phone, tell her you're "out" today. You don't have to be out to be out, if you know what I mean.
Then you will feel much better about calling her sometimes and saying, "We have a free afternoon next week. Would you like to come over around 3pm on Wednesday?"
It's your house, your baby, you call the shots, but you need to be more assertive than you have been.
I wouldn't do that just because Grandma might panic and call the OP's husband or worse, the police/fire department, if she can't get a hold of her for an entire day.
I'd answer and say "Hi! Oh, sorry, we're not 'home' today. No, we're fine, we're just 'out.' We'd love to see you another time!"
This is a time-honored social lie. Way back when regular afternoon calls on neighbors were a Thing, people informed their maid or butler whether they were "at home" for callers or not that day, and it had nothing to do with actually being out of the house.
Keep it simple. She doesn't sound like the kind of person who would respond to a talk about "boundaries," so don't bother.
Does she have a key to your house or do you open the door and let her in? Assuming she's ringing the doorbell, my advice to you is every time you don't feel like having uninvited company for 8-9 hours, don't open the door. And if she calls your phone, tell her you're "out" today. You don't have to be out to be out, if you know what I mean.
Then you will feel much better about calling her sometimes and saying, "We have a free afternoon next week. Would you like to come over around 3pm on Wednesday?"
It's your house, your baby, you call the shots, but you need to be more assertive than you have been.
BTW, if she has a key, you can always change the locks.
Your husband must start to be your partner and your support and less of a mama's boy.
As a grandmother I would say she is out of bounds. Since she is your husband's mother he should be the one to tell her to give you and baby some space.
You don’t have to be confrontational to assert your needs.
Is she calling to ask if she can come over or does she just drop by?
If she is calling to ask to come over just say you are not up to company at the moment and like another poster suggested you tel your mil you would like her to come for tea on sat or Sunday.
If she is just dropping by don’t answer the door.
If she has a key then time to change the locks or get the key back.
If she is coming over unannounced, you could being gone more often. Visiting friends, running errands, going to the library, even just going to a coffee shop, etc.
You said that she stays 8 to 9 hours. Is she staying long enough that her son is home from work that she can see him? Does she take the baby away from her son when he arrives home and wants to hold his baby? Does she disagree with and act like a "third parent" in front of her son? Or does she just do that to you?
If she always gone before he arrives home she may be trying to hide her interference from him.
It's a good start that your husband has spoken with his mother as this is usually the best way to go first. Since she hasn't listened, there may need to be more boundaries that you are comfortable with.
I'm also wondering if your MIL is letting herself into your home or something. Does she have a key to let herself in or do you feel bad leaving her standing at the door knocking and ringing the bell so you or your husband let her in? You and your husband need to figure out solutions to this together, and boundaries seem like a good start. Don't let her have a key if she has one, and if you want her to keep her key then she needs to follow the rules of your home (although, there is no reason she should have a key IMO). For one, ask her to call first before coming over and if she does not then do not let her in. Make sure the doors are locked and retreat to a room where she can't see you through a window until she leaves.
I'm not sure if she would get hints while she's over like, I know sometimes if I said, "I need to feed the baby now," that people guests would kind of wiggle in their seats and contemplate leaving. Sometimes if I say, "I should get dinner started," or something of that sort that guests would a lot of times get the hint. Although, considering how long she's staying and playing mom, I don't think she's going to leave.
You need to set your foot down and say you can only visit for an hour or two hours. Even set a day and a time like others have mentioned - this would be a great way to go. That way you know when she's coming over and don't expect her any time otherwise, it would help your sanity a lot. I know when I had my first child, I had a traumatic birth (both me and my child almost didn't make it) and I did not want anyone to hold my baby. It felt so uncomfortable to me and didn't feel right for quite a few months. People would ask and didn't always like my answer and it freaked me out when people wouldn't ask and simply pick up baby. Although some people would take, "Not right now," or, "That's okay, I got them for now," for an answer. If not, I would kindly ask that they hand my baby back to me and request they ask next time.
Your baby, your home, your rules. If need be, remind her that you are the parent and she should be enjoying herself as the grandmother with simply spending time playing with and enjoy being around baby and not worrying herself with parental duties. Some grandparents I think haven't watched kids or held a baby in so long that they sorely miss it and even if they are well meaning they overstep their bounds.
Is there someone else in her family you can get to speak to her ? Such as an aunt of your husband or a family friend she is close to. My mother was overbearing when I had my first. She had had severe depression after my younger brother was born and she announced that she had not been a good mother but she was going to be a good grandmother. And she would come unannounced, overstay, give unasked for advice etc.
Her close friend saw what was going on and told her in no uncertain terms that she was interfering. It did help and then I made sure that I had somewhere to go every day that got me out of the house.
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