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My wife is a grandmother. We live about 10 miles from the home of her son, his wife and children. We care for their children (7 and 5) at our place and theirs, when they have conflicting work schedules, when 1 or both kids are sick, when they want a night out, or just want some peace and quiet.
That is why grandmothers always have to be around.
I’m seeking some advice from grandparents because I don’t know what to think.
I can get the frustration. Considering yourself fortunate that your grandparents are willing to help. On one hand you likely wouldn't be able to perform your demanding job from home if you didn't have the help. Your child will likely be forever grateful to have that bond with his grandparents. And you might come to see it as a good thing too.
As for someone else seeing your child more than you do... welcome to the world of the working parent. When your kid is at daycare, they see that caregiver for more hours than you will. When they go to school, they'll have more waking hours with the teacher than with you. And eventually they'll have afterschool activities that will eat into that margin too.
I hate to be the one to say it, but be grateful for the help. My wife and I raised our 3 kids with zero help from family. It is trying to say the least. No breaks. No "hey, we'll watch the kids so you can focus on this big presentation you are making tomorrow" or "hey, go out and have a night on the town - don't worry about the little ones."
If you don't want the help, say so. But you can't have your cake and eat it too. They want to be involved with your family - not JUST watching your son. But maybe also being involved with you, your husband AND your son. If you don't want it, pay for daycare (and still not see your kid as much) or one of you quit your job.
It's unfortunate your husband won't stand up to his mom. It puts the burden on you.
Don't speak to grandparents out of anger. And remember, there's a difference between assertive, and aggressive. You have the RIGHT to be assertive and set some rules.
Honestly, I'd just tell them "I miss LO so much during the week. I need some uninterrupted mommy/baby time on Sundays."
If they're decent people, (and I'm sure they are) they will respect that. And if MIL still has boundary issues, pull in FIL as an ally.
You would feel exactly like that if he was in daycare, except that it would be random caregivers witnessing all of his firsts, instead of family members who love him like you do.
This is a case of you not being able to have it all. You can work full time and accept that your baby will be spending more time with others than with you, or you can reduce your work hours and spend more time with the baby.
I do think you should put your foot down about the weekends, except that it's probably nice to be able to run errands and grocery shop without bringing the little one along.
I can get the frustration. Considering yourself fortunate that your grandparents are willing to help. On one hand you likely wouldn't be able to perform your demanding job from home if you didn't have the help. Your child will likely be forever grateful to have that bond with his grandparents. And you might come to see it as a good thing too.
As for someone else seeing your child more than you do... welcome to the world of the working parent. When your kid is at daycare, they see that caregiver for more hours than you will. When they go to school, they'll have more waking hours with the teacher than with you. And eventually they'll have afterschool activities that will eat into that margin too.
I hate to be the one to say it, but be grateful for the help. My wife and I raised our 3 kids with zero help from family. It is trying to say the least. No breaks. No "hey, we'll watch the kids so you can focus on this big presentation you are making tomorrow" or "hey, go out and have a night on the town - don't worry about the little ones."
If you don't want the help, say so. But you can't have your cake and eat it too. They want to be involved with your family - not JUST watching your son. But maybe also being involved with you, your husband AND your son. If you don't want it, pay for daycare (and still not see your kid as much) or one of you quit your job.
You worded it better than I did. This is where my frustration comes from. Grandparents want to be involved in our family in all aspects and I want less involvement outside of watching LO during working hours. It’s more important to me to have that nuclear family time without grandparents.
Yikes! There is no way I would let it get this far. It's time to put your foot down. First with your husband and then with the grandparents. If it were me, I would maybe agree to one Saturday OR Sunday A MONTH. Certainly not every weekend. Especially because grandmas are already acting as daycare.
I agree.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Vegabern
Stop dropping hints. Speak up for yourself in clear terms. What you're asking for is more than reasonable. You're bending over backward for these people.
I agree.
Perhaps you need to start making plans on Saturday or Sunday, just with your husband and baby, The three of you visit a friend for the day who lives out of town or the three of you go to a local park and have a picnic lunch and just relax for a few hours. I wonder where the grandparents got the idea that they could just drop in and stay for hours on end each weekend and it was OK with you and your husband?
While the grandparents of our children never provided child care or babysat even once at our home when the kids were little (as they all had full time jobs AND lived too far away), I have had a number of friends whose grandparents provided child care during the week. In every single case the grandparents never interfered with the new parents & their children on the weekends except for things like inviting them for Holiday dinners or babysitting for an occasional Saturday night or getting together for Mother's Day or Father's Day or something similar. But just assuming that all day Saturday and Sunday were Grandparent time, too. Nope.
Is this the only grandchild on both sides? I bet that it is otherwise those grandparents would be sharing their time with multiple families and multiple grandchildren (maybe even in a different city or state). Do the grandparents do things with their friends? Participate in clubs? Have jobs? Etc. I suspect not or they wouldn't have to that much time to be at your house.
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The root problem here is it doesn't sound like your husband actually wants any family time alone with you and your son.
So it's not just a matter of being firm with the grandparents, it's a matter of they're doing what he actually would like to happen - not to have alone time with family.
The root problem here is it doesn't sound like your husband actually wants any family time alone with you and your son.
So it's not just a matter of being firm with the grandparents, it's a matter of they're doing what he actually would like to happen - not to have alone time with family.
Is that the heart of the problem?
Definitely. For my H, holding the baby for 10 minutes is enough time for him. He’s prefectly happy to go about his day afterwards. He doesn’t have that need or desire to spend long periods of time with baby. The grandparents are all too happy to hold LO all day and since he doesn’t want to, he has zero problems giving our son to them whenever and however long they want. My problem is I want to hold LO all day and I have competition with the grandparents for that time.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Loyolane
Definitely. For my H, holding the baby for 10 minutes is enough time for him. He’s prefectly happy to go about his day afterwards. He doesn’t have that need or desire to spend long periods of time with baby. The grandparents are all too happy to hold LO all day and since he doesn’t want to, he has zero problems giving our son to them whenever and however long they want. My problem is I want to hold LO all day and I have competition with the grandparents for that time.
This is a big problem, Loyolane. I think it's likely your husband's attitude will change as the child gets a little older - there's not much you can "do" with a baby. But it is a concern that he really doesn't care to spend a lot of time/effort on the nuclear family at this time.
Hang in there. It's likely to get better, especially if you're willing to do the child care and focus on fun togetherness for the 3 of you.
You're being absolutely reasonable in wanting at least ONE DAY as a family.
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