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Perhaps you need to start making plans on Saturday or Sunday, just with your husband and baby, The three of you visit a friend for the day who lives out of town or the three of you go to a local park and have a picnic lunch and just relax for a few hours. I wonder where the grandparents got the idea that they could just drop in and stay for hours on end each weekend and it was OK with you and your husband?
While the grandparents of our children never provided child care or babysat even once at our home when the kids were little (as they all had full time jobs AND lived too far away), I have had a number of friends whose grandparents provided child care during the week. In every single case the grandparents never interfered with the new parents & their children on the weekends except for things like inviting them for Holiday dinners or babysitting for an occasional Saturday night or getting together for Mother's Day or Father's Day or something similar. But just assuming that all day Saturday and Sunday were Grandparent time, too. Nope.
Is this the only grandchild on both sides? I bet that it is otherwise those grandparents would be sharing their time with multiple families and multiple grandchildren (maybe even in a different city or state). Do the grandparents do things with their friends? Participate in clubs? Have jobs? Etc. I suspect not or they wouldn't have to that much time to be at your house.
He’s the only grandchild on my side. But my in laws have 2 other granddaughters. They’re both in their teens so they don’t want to spend time with the grandparents. Also, my in laws watched them everyday when they were little. The girls pretty much grew up with them. They wer full time child care, plus they slept over every Friday night. I feel like my in laws expect this to happen as well with my son. But that’s not what I want. I tried to be nice and subtle but I think it’s to b more firm in my wishes.
Both grandfathers work, so they only get Saturday. Both grandmoms are retired. With my mom, she volunteers and has a blog so she doesn’t have that desire to constantly come over. Outside of the time she spends with aLO, she doesn’t ask for more. MIL doesn’t have any friends or hobbies that I know of. It’s a bit overwhelming that she constantly volunteers to come over when it is not needed.
This isn’t a grandparent problem. It is a you and DH problem. You BOTH need to tell them that while you are very appreciative of the help that you receive from them, you also want family time together alone.
As for DH, he needs to get his act together and start fathering your child. He is being lazy. Of course he doesn’t care if GP are there because that means he doesn’t have to do a single thing.
The root problem here is it doesn't sound like your husband actually wants any family time alone with you and your son.
So it's not just a matter of being firm with the grandparents, it's a matter of they're doing what he actually would like to happen - not to have alone time with family.
Is that the heart of the problem?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Loyolane
Definitely. For my H, holding the baby for 10 minutes is enough time for him. He’s prefectly happy to go about his day afterwards. He doesn’t have that need or desire to spend long periods of time with baby. The grandparents are all too happy to hold LO all day and since he doesn’t want to, he has zero problems giving our son to them whenever and however long they want. My problem is I want to hold LO all day and I have competition with the grandparents for that time.
I suspect that your husband has not bonded very well with his child, maybe in part because the three of you have limited time together. I would especially encourage just the three of you doing things together. And, leaving Hubby in charge of Baby more often. I recently moved to a new apartment complex and I have noticed that almost every time that I see a little baby or a toddler being pushed in a stroller it is by a man. I doubt if they are all single parents, I bet that it is one way for the dad to have a regular "special time" with their child and maybe give Mom a break. Does your husband do things like that? Or just hold his child and sing songs to him or just talk to him? Does your husband participate in the regular, loving parenting responsibilities, like giving your son a bath & getting him dressed or changing his diaper or feeding him or reading him a story and putting him to bed?
It is possible that having the grandparents "take over" on weekends may be hindering your husband's growth as a father.
I suspect that your husband has not bonded very well with his child, maybe in part because the three of you have limited time together. I would especially encourage just the three of you doing things together. And, leaving Hubby in charge of Baby more often. I recently moved to a new apartment complex and I have noticed that almost every time that I see a little baby or a toddler being pushed in a stroller it is by a man. I doubt if they are all single parents, I bet that it is one way for the dad to have a regular "special time" with their child and maybe give Mom a break. Does your husband do things like that? Or just hold his child and sing songs to him or just talk to him? Does your husband participate in the regular, loving parenting responsibilities, like giving your son a bath & getting him dressed or changing his diaper or feeding him or reading him a story and putting him to bed?
It is possible that having the grandparents "take over" on weekends may be hindering your husband's growth as a father.
Sometimes when I’m cuddling baby and ask H if he wants to hold him, he’ll respond with “only if you need me to”. He doesn’t really voluntarily pick up baby unless he has to. His own words are “you’re always complaining you don’t have enough time with baby, so here you go” and he wanders off to a different part of the house. I know he loves LO but doesn’t seem to get any enjoyment from trying to make baby laugh or feeling baby fall asleep on his chest. He’ll do it if I ask but again, only if I ask.
I’m seeking some advice from grandparents because I don’t know what to think.
Ever since I had DS last November, it’s been a constant stream of grandparents and I’m at the point where I can’t take it anymore. When I was on maternity leave, we had grandparents stop by 3-4 times a week for 4/5 at a time.
Now that I’m back at work, grandmothers are our daycare. This is NOT my choice but the result of my H and both grandmothers insisting. MIL watches LO 3days and my mom does 2 days. These are full days, 8-6. So during the week, I only get to spend a handful of hours with LO before he sleeps for the night. I do work from home, but I hav a demanding job so I don’t see LO during working hours. Then on saturdays, it’s the grandfathers turn. We split the day in half so each set of grandparents get to spend 4-5 hours with LO. So you can see, grandparents see my son more than I do. Monday through Saturday is Given to the grandparents. They’re not deprived of grandkid time.
That leaves Sunday. The only day I get a full day with my child. And even that is slowly being taken away from me. My in laws insist on stopping by for just an hour on Sunday. But of course it is not just an hour. It lasts hours. And I’m sick of it. I’m sick of sharing my child with grandparents. With my parents, they just play with LO. With my MIL, I feel like I’m co parenting. She parents my child.
DH is useless and doesn’t see anything wrong with grandparents around all the time. I’m fighting for Sunday free of grandparents but I don’t see why I need to at all. What is so wrong with me wantin to spend time with my child? Why am I paints out to be the bad guy because I want one day out of 7? He’s my son and I have to share him with everyone.
So grandparents. Please explain to me. Why do they always have to be around? Why can’t they leave th new family alone? Why am I wrong in not wanting them around all the time? Please explain because I’m beyond frustrated.
You aren't wrong...
Boundaries need to be set with them...
If you mention your concerns, hopefully they will realize their mistakes...
Certainly they should ask you if it's convenient for them to visit...
family needs to be courteous to family, just as with anyone else. Maybe more so.
Sometimes when I’m cuddling baby and ask H if he wants to hold him, he’ll respond with “only if you need me to”. He doesn’t really voluntarily pick up baby unless he has to. His own words are “you’re always complaining you don’t have enough time with baby, so here you go” and he wanders off to a different part of the house. I know he loves LO but doesn’t seem to get any enjoyment from trying to make baby laugh or feeling baby fall asleep on his chest. He’ll do it if I ask but again, only if I ask.
My BIL is like that. I thought he'd get over it as his son got older and more able to do things, but he really hasn't. The little guy will sit there talking up a storm, and his dad is on his phone, ignoring him. Some of my friends say that's just how dads are now, but my husband was never like that when our kids were little. I was sad to see my BIL become that kind of dad, because he wanted a baby desperately for years before they had one.
Stop paying for daycare and let the grandparents do all the babysitting while you work. Then they'll be happy to leave you alone all other times.
You missed the part where the grandparents are providing the childcare during the week. They also insist on being with the baby all day Saturday and most of Sunday, so the Mom & Dad do not have very much time alone with their own child.
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