How much is too much (babysitting) (selfish, son, children, babysitter)
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Hi everyone, this is exactly the situation I'm in, only my daughter expects it on weekends +. I helped bring up my 18 year old grandson; now have 3 more grandchildren - a 4 year old, 2 year old and 1 day old. (Let's not go there.) Have given close to 75% of my weekends + taken time off work for my grandchildren not to mention every annual vacation. I'm still in the midst of taking full time care of my 2 year old in a spica cast and the 4 year old toddler over the last 5 weeks. While I love all my grandchildren dearly -- just this last month, when I basically became the caregiver for my 2 year old grandson because daughter was pregnant, I'm starting to resent my daughter's expectations of my time. I'm emotionally drained and physically exhausted from meeting her needs; I have osteo arthritis in my back, hips, legs which has kept at bay only by the grace of God. Daughter has yet to say even a simple thank you for the last month of commitment I provided her much less the last 18 years. I just spoke to her on the phone and said, "you know, daughter, I just can't do this anymore - you will have to line up some other help when you come home." Her reply was standardly belligerent when she doesn't get her way ~ "oh you'll never there when I really need you - you're off the hook". While I'll see the new baby for the first time tonight, I'm so afraid of bonding with her because I know I'll be drawn in spending the rest of my good years taking care of these newest children. Like I said, I love them dearly, but my heart is breaking because of daughter's indifference, belligerence but as well that my taking back some of my life (return to work full time) won't be in the grandchildren's best interests. Daughter has her father's side of the family and the children's father/relatives to help her. Am I an ogre?
Hi everyone, this is exactly the situation I'm in, only my daughter expects it on weekends +. I helped bring up my 18 year old grandson; now have 3 more grandchildren - a 4 year old, 2 year old and 1 day old. (Let's not go there.) Have given close to 75% of my weekends + taken time off work for my grandchildren not to mention every annual vacation. I'm still in the midst of taking full time care of my 2 year old in a spica cast and the 4 year old toddler over the last 5 weeks. While I love all my grandchildren dearly -- just this last month, when I basically became the caregiver for my 2 year old grandson because daughter was pregnant, I'm starting to resent my daughter's expectations of my time. I'm emotionally drained and physically exhausted from meeting her needs; I have osteo arthritis in my back, hips, legs which has kept at bay only by the grace of God. Daughter has yet to say even a simple thank you for the last month of commitment I provided her much less the last 18 years. I just spoke to her on the phone and said, "you know, daughter, I just can't do this anymore - you will have to line up some other help when you come home." Her reply was standardly belligerent when she doesn't get her way ~ "oh you'll never there when I really need you - you're off the hook". While I'll see the new baby for the first time tonight, I'm so afraid of bonding with her because I know I'll be drawn in spending the rest of my good years taking care of these newest children. Like I said, I love them dearly, but my heart is breaking because of daughter's indifference, belligerence but as well that my taking back some of my life (return to work full time) won't be in the grandchildren's best interests. Daughter has her father's side of the family and the children's father/relatives to help her. Am I an ogre?
No, you're not an ogre! Maybe you can write down all of the things you want to do with your time before you are physically unable-i.e., learn a new hobby, go on a cruise, read a new book every week-whatever you envisioned yourself doing in your retirement (or working full time, you mentioned earlier). Even write down how much time you want to spend with your grandkids. Then, speak to your doctor about all of your ailments and ask if there are any restrictions such as lifting or time caring for young children. Ask your doctor to be very specific. When your daughter is uninterrupted (I know this will be hard, she just had a baby), sit down with her and talk it over. I really think getting your doctor on board will help-arthritis is not to be taken lightly. I wish you the best of luck-try to have this talk before the resentment kicks in. Emphasize that you want to spend time with your grandkids, just not to be the primary caregiver. When I was a kid, I don't remember my grandparents babysitting all of the time-I remember us visiting our grandparents on Sunday, going on family outings (my parents were there) to the zoo, pool, etc, celebrating birthdays together. You can still be a huge part of their lives without it being so emotionally and physically draining.
grandmother54...bless your heart...what an ungrateful daughter/ You must really really have a talk with her...tell her that as much as you love and care for her and the grands, you just can not do it full time any more...and you are afriad that if it continues, you may not be able to help at all. there needs to be a limit on her expectations! maybe you could call on those other family members of hers to help her , if she won't??
I totally understand what you are saying. My 19 year old is living with me with her 1 year old right now and she assumes everytime she wants to get on the phone or go out the door, I should stop what I'm doing and watch the baby.
I finally told her that I've already raised MY BABIES and she would have to raise hers. I am a grandmother....not Mary Poppins. I love him dearly, but I have a right to my own plans on my own time.
I can feel all your pain--especially in my neck, wrists and back.
I babysit 3 grandchildren in order to help my kids over financial humps. I left a good job to do it. I love it, it is now my life work.
I love to have one or two overnight at times: I know they are small for such a short time (and I want to be able to spend time while I have my health). They will remember those special times as I remember those overnights at my grandmother's.
I try to beg off ever babysitting on the weekends. When the parents work, I think it is important they spend that time with their kids.
I am lucky that my husband can help me a couple of days a week.
They get easier as they are older and when I am exhausted or it's a bad day, I don't care what the experts say about putting on the Noggin or Sprout channel on TV to help them chill.
I do look forward to a couple of years from now when I will have a little of my freedom back and can travel.
GloryB, that is a tough situation. I'd be putting the baby in your daughter's lap a lot and heading out the door while she is on the phone, even if it were only to take a walk. I hope she is bonded to the baby--but that's another topic thread.
Hi everyone, this is exactly the situation I'm in, only my daughter expects it on weekends +. I helped bring up my 18 year old grandson; now have 3 more grandchildren - a 4 year old, 2 year old and 1 day old. (Let's not go there.) Have given close to 75% of my weekends + taken time off work for my grandchildren not to mention every annual vacation. I'm still in the midst of taking full time care of my 2 year old in a spica cast and the 4 year old toddler over the last 5 weeks. While I love all my grandchildren dearly -- just this last month, when I basically became the caregiver for my 2 year old grandson because daughter was pregnant, I'm starting to resent my daughter's expectations of my time. I'm emotionally drained and physically exhausted from meeting her needs; I have osteo arthritis in my back, hips, legs which has kept at bay only by the grace of God. Daughter has yet to say even a simple thank you for the last month of commitment I provided her much less the last 18 years. I just spoke to her on the phone and said, "you know, daughter, I just can't do this anymore - you will have to line up some other help when you come home." Her reply was standardly belligerent when she doesn't get her way ~ "oh you'll never there when I really need you - you're off the hook". While I'll see the new baby for the first time tonight, I'm so afraid of bonding with her because I know I'll be drawn in spending the rest of my good years taking care of these newest children. Like I said, I love them dearly, but my heart is breaking because of daughter's indifference, belligerence but as well that my taking back some of my life (return to work full time) won't be in the grandchildren's best interests. Daughter has her father's side of the family and the children's father/relatives to help her. Am I an ogre?
No, you sound like an excellent grandmother.
My mother suffers from osteo-arthritis as well as scoliosis, and has had 2 major surgeries on her back for ruptured discs, however she raised my oldest nephew along with the help of my father matter of fact he still lives with them (He is now 17).
When my son was born I realized that this was my son and I stayed home to raise him and then she watched him perhaps for 1-2 hours 2 days a week when he was 4 and the others my mother in law watched him. I have always been sensitive of her needs since she has had to take meds for the pain and at times receives cortisone epi's to cancel out the pain every several months. She picks up my son from school (he is 11 now) and he helps her around the home and lies down with her when her back hurts because I have told him Grandma may be tired today. I always buy her small little gifts because she does not have to do this and I realize she does this because she loves the kids to be around her (They make her feel young again)
My sister had her middle child 9 years ago and I stayed home to watch him for the first year of his life because I knew my mother could not. After he was a year I assisted my sister in find care for her son. My sister is expecting her third child and my mother is in her early 60's in no shape to care for an infant so once again I will go back to working P/T so I can care for my first niece during the day and leave her with my mother for half an hr before I go to work at night.
The reason I stated my experience is because there has to be cooperation from the other family members in the family, you should not be made to be the only provider, this is stressful for anyone and especially after one raises their own children.
I would demand thanks and kisses and hugs! There is no reason for the guilt trip your daughter lies on you, what would she do if you were nolonger there to help her out?
You need to tell her that you love the children but she needs to network with friends or other family members. I understand al about working but for goodness sakes she was the one decided to have these children it her responsibility to decide and arrange childcare.
Ending on a positive note? My mother never babysits on weekends, these are her days to share with with my father and me and my sistewr rely on each other for daycare on weekends.
I retired 2 years ago; I have a 20 month old grandson who I've been babysitting 1-2 days per week - both his parents work. His other grandmother is having some health problems so I and my husband have recently been babysitting every morning then taking him to the other grandparents in the afternoon. Tonight my DIL informed me that we'd have to take the baby all day Wednesday. This is just becoming too much for me and my husband. We adore our grandson, but did not retire to become babysitters. We are quite busy. My stepson and DIL are the "give them an inch and they'll take a mile types." Additionally I have an elderly mother who I see at least one day a week - she doesn't drive so I take her on errands, shopping, etc. and spend time with her Fridays. One other day a week I make a short visit taking her food, newspapers, etc. I'm exhausted! I can't stand all this activity every single day. I feel like I have no down time to relax. This situation could become better or worse depending on what happens with the other grandmother's health - she is having surgery soon. Any suggestions?
They are both working. They can afford day care. You aren't there for the parents' convenience, i.e., a free baby-sitting service. Just say no. OR Don't be there when they come by to drop the child off.
My brother and sister keep telling me to move back to my hometown so I can get free babysitting from mom. Mom seems to be happy with the situation, but I wouldn't ask her to be a daily babysitter if I lived next door. I'm the mom and it's my and my husband's responsibility. To be honest, my mom is coming up this weekend to watch the kids while my husband and I celebrate our anniversary for a weekend, but this is the first time in seven years we've ever asked her to do this. Tell her you're tired and she needs to find a daycare center. If you're available and feel like it, you can watch the kids while she has a date night occasionally.
Say NO. I just hate this sense of entitlement some people think they have. Tell them what you have on your plate. Let them know when you are available to babysit. Beyond that, they will need to find other child care. If they need you on occasion for something more, you will consider it.
Been there, done that. It was tough at first. They got mad but they got over it. I have my own life too. So now they dump on the other grandma. She can't say no and she is stressed. They still try the guilt stuff with me on occasion. You know, grandma so and so is really stressed and we really need you to babysit, blah, blah, blah. My response is then stop asking her to babysit and she won't be so stressed. I put it right back on them where it belongs.
As parents we face problems that we must find answers to. Babysitting is one of them. Let the parents find a resolution. It is not your problem, it is theirs.
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