Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I am sorry this is such a painful name to you, but it is very very hard for me to imagine that a name has that much power over you. I am not putting you down or minimizing the horror you went through or the trauma it caused. But when I read your post, I will tell you what came to my mind: What a terrible way to start off your relationship with a grandchild (and DIL) by making his parents' choice of names a big issue with you. This is not about you; this is about them and their first child. Seems you are in the process of creating hard feelings and perhaps even lifelong animosity over your insistence that everyone acknowledge your trauma by dropping the name they have chosen.
Think about it. All this drama - including your husband getting involved!
As a person - a wife, mother, friend, daughter, coworker, etc - You are a lot more than the legacy of the molestation . . . but it seems your life story has evolved around that trauma so thoroughly that you continue to perpetuate your anger about it by such things as feeling justified in dictating what your son names his own child - and then repeating your own trauma by taking on the victim role.
What you are saying is the mere mention of that name victimizes you again - and that by your son and DIL selecting that name, they have victimized you again. That seems irrational, to me.
I am not wanting to offend you - but you came here asking for our thoughts. My concern is for two things: 1. your longterm relationship with your son, DIL and grandson and 2. your own mental health, as it seems to me you have quickly slipped into a role of victimization again and that is not a healthy place to be.
As others have said, you may find you finally have reached some sort of resolution with dealing with this terrible event in your life by seeking out counseling to see how you can get past the mere mention of a name triggering these responses.
Very well said!
I hate seeing people give their power away to those that don't deserve it-in this case, the man who committed such heinous acts. He doesn't deserve this sadness you are feeling...you deserve to be happy and fulfilled.
Rise above it...it's always a blessed feeling to be bigger and stronger than what keeps us down.
Unless, of course, and I'm not saying this is the case; this could be a drama reaction. Some people are like that...they look for drama. I dunno...I just hate to see someone give their power away.
It is very possible that once the child is born, you will love it so very much until they will become the person in your mind associated with that particular name and finally your heart can be healed of the bad distant memory.
And as most grandmothers....you'll probably have a special pet name for the child anyway.
I agree with you. If my Mother in law told me why the name hurt her so much, I would change it. There are MILLIONS of names out there. Why pick the name of the person who molested you?
I agree...my dil just ran a middle name by me for the baby girl they adopted and while I do like the name her intials would have been MAP..nah Dil agreed and now her intials are MEP
It's a middle name...yeah I would have nixed it and chose another one
Without going into a long drawn out story, let me just say, when my DH and I were pregnant with our 1st son (we did not know he was a boy at the time) we were basically given perameters for what my DH family considered to be acceptable names in honor of someone who had died (not a male relative)
We twisted ourselves in knots trying to find a name that would be apprpropriate for a boy and still honor a woman's memory. After months we finally chose a name that we were not happy with but could tolerate, at least as a middle name, for what we now knew was a son.
After all our angst over family expectation and personal preference, they still had the audacity to come back to us and "reccommend" an alternative list of names they felt were more appropriate. And, oh by the way, it must be switched to the first name.
For our next two children we made a short list of names we liked and when we met our bundles of joy, chose the name that fit them.
ok....so not a short story.
Anyway, the point is, as new parents there are a lot of pressures and worries about every little possible way "we" might mess up our kid/kid's life, how competant will we be, especially if we are not able to choose a name without screwing up.
Even if you hate my story,think about these two things: 1. A child's name is for him/her to carry through life and define in his/her own way, not to try to relive someone else's failures and successes. 2. We changed the names of our second and third children twice before we settled on the most fitting. (maybe your son & daughter-inlaw will do the same once they have met their beautiful bundle of joy)
All of that having been said, if this man still holds that much power over you after so many years, finding a good therapist should be at the top of your list regardless of what they name the baby. I have been where you are (in a manner of speaking) and I promise you, he is not suffering for what you are putting yourself through. It is past time for you to claim your own life back. He took your youth, do not let him have the rest of your life....
blessings upon your family's newest arrival,
gracie
I am sorry for your pain but we made sure to only tell people the name we chose and never ask thoughts because its our child. BUT I think I could easily change a middle name of a child if it bothered someone.
on the flip side we went through 5 names before we got settled on our daughters name. ....they will most likely change the name a few more times.
My personal opinion is that your DIL is being selfish.
They know full well what kind of memories this particular name brings back for you and chose to use it any way. You've already stated that there is no emotional attachment for them.
It was sweet of your husband to try to talk to them for you.
This coming from someone who isn't thrilled with her grandchildren's names but there are no bitter memories attached to them. I just dont care for them.
All the therapy in the world doesn't change a lifelong connotation. I mean how many people do you know who would consider naming their child Adolf? Names are powerful and meaningful, there is no denying that. Names even carry a sense of honor - that is why it is such an honor to have someone named after you.
I will add, as well, that the person in question who did these things to me was a family member. I don't want to see that person "honored" by using his name.
A name is still just a name. What if the child - boy or girl was to come out looking like this horrible person? Would you despise the baby for that?
I know a couple whose daughter was raped and by a man of another race and their granddaughter shares some of his features but they love her with all their hearts.
I know a woman whose former husband was an abusive alcoholic and their son is his spitting image -- but she loves her son all the same. She doesn't think he's the father, he's her beloved son who happens to look just like her ex, his father.
If it was a really compelling issue for me I would take my son & DiL out for a nice meal or a long walk in the park -- whatever will be pleasant and promote conversation -- and discuss it. Or, you could write them a note that very graphically describes in detail a memory of one of the offender's actions and tell them this and other similar memories will come to mind whenever you hear that name.
They didn't know anything when they chose the name. They were informed after-the-fact.
The baby is not named yet....it can be changed now that they know.
The fact that she refuses to change it even now knowing tells me she's being pigheaded and selfish.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
