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it wouldn't hurt my feelings or those of the family that has stayed closer to me if the estranged child didn't show up.
I'd be happy knowing that they hadn't done anything differently upon my demise. If it wasn't worth staying in touch while I was alive, it sure isn't gonna' change ....
You seem to assume that the adult child is always responsible for the estrangement. That isn't always so.
When my mother died, after 20 years of estrangement (my choice) it had as much effect on me as a change in the weather. There was no funeral- lack of interest, I suppose. I still don't know what became of her ashes.
When my father died, he specified that he wanted no funeral. Just make sure he was in a specific V.A. cemetery, that they spelled his name right, and that there was a Jewish star on the headstone. I did go and make sure of those things.
I know people count up how many people show up to show… what, how popular or loved someone was? It's kind of circular. I know there's the idea that you should always go to the funeral, but I think that is for the benefit of anyone genuinely grieving, and even then… a friend of mine just lost his partner of 30 years, who adamantly did not want a funeral, but a couple of family came along and insisted on some little ceremony that K and his partner did NOT want.
Another young friend (28) left written instructions for no funeral or Mass. So estranged Mom had a Mass.
It's not all "Elinor Rigby." Many of us will come to an end of life without a quorum to attend.
To those who have estranged relationships with their parents. Say you no longer keep in contact with them .If they die, would you attend their funeral or just have a normal day as though nothing happened
My father just passed away! Did I feel guilt about not attending his furneral, no! But his passing left me feelings of negativty and kicked up bad memories long forgotten in the 25yrs ,plus of enstrangement. Just because he concieved me does not make him my father! Over the years, I found a father figure, someone to look up to and treat me as a father would. You have to be a dad to be called one.with love and respect, and earn it. so my answer would be no! don't go depending on your circumstances. Closure comes in many forms, mine came with his passing. The relief,its over. After many years and forgivness of myself and him, I can finally say there are no monsters under my bed anymore,
My father just passed away! Did I feel guilt about not attending his furneral, no! But his passing left me feelings of negativty and kicked up bad memories long forgotten in the 25yrs, plus of enstrangement. Just because he concieved me does not make him my father! Over the years, I found someone to look up to and treat me as a father would. You have to be a dad to be called one.with love and respect, and earn it. I have made my peace with him not being there and said good bye long long ago. I have forgiven myself and him. From this I learned how to be a better parent. What not to do, parenting like him. I saw no reason to attend his furneral. When learning of his passing I felt releif and that it was finally over. I can say there a no more monsters under my bed.
As a mother who still can't stop loving her adult son no matter what he has done to me. I can tell you the pain you experience during the time you are living is enough. I wouldn't think that it would matter after my death, my pain would cease to exist. His pain on the other hand, if he would even experience any, I don't know. But no matter what happens I don't want to punish him. Life has a way of doing that to each of us anyway, it's called life. If it would release him in some way of having a guilty conscious for the rest of his day's I would want him to be able to grieve and release himself from all the negative. I don't want to punish him or have my husband and daughter add to their pain. We live only once, we take nothing with us, those left behind have to be able to live their lives. In order to do that, I believe, good or bad we have to face our realities. We are humans, we all make mistakes. To choose anger, hate, reproach over growing from our experiences IS wasting our precious lives. Let it go, release it, say you're good bye's. Through it all something good will come out of it for those that stay behind. Those that rest eternally have the easy way out.
I won't be attending my mother's funeral when her time comes. I doubt we will ever reconcile before that time. She is not capable of taking responsibility for her actions. She is a narcissistic, sociopath person and her choices made my childhood hell. She has run right over my feelings on some subjects and ignored my boundaries completely. Currently she does not even know where I live because of her past behavior.
I will express some sympathy to my brother when her time comes, because he has found it in himself to either ignore or just not see how evil she is. I am glad for her that she has him. I am sorry for him that he will continue to be used by him. but I am more likely to throw a party here at home than travel to pretend to be sorry she is gone. It won't be a normal day for me. Likely it will stir up a lot of the old psychological dammage that I have tried so hard to lay to rest. But her passing for me will be a relief. As another here said. No more monster under the bed.
My parents specified no funeral, no ceremony of any kind and were cremated and dumped at sea without notice. We'd been estranged but reconciled before their illnesses and deaths and at least I always respected them just because thedy were my parents. So much for that. I'm contemplating much the same when my time comes. All my children live anywhere from 700 to 2,000 miles away so I can spare them the burden of travel and my three daughters were severely alienated from me by their mother when we divorced and likely wouldn't care all that much anyway although my oldest one would go into grand, high drama queen mode. But she hates my wife whom I wouldn't want subjected to her My two sons would likely understand.
I think that for someone to estrange themselves from their parents (or a parent) it would be for a very, very good reason...death doesn't or wouldn't change that hurt that they must have experienced beforehand.
I disagree. For some it takes nothing to break all ties with family. Maybe they have an undiagnosed mental condition. Maybe they imagine things to be one way when the reality is quite different.
I know from what I speak since my brother broke away from our family over 12 years ago and gave no reason for doing so. Just out of the blue decided he wanted no contact with my parents or me and to my knowledge distanced himself from most of our family. From what I do know, he only associates with his wife's family. <----------------- My parents did nothing to deserve such treatment. His loss. His child's loss. He will not be welcomed to my parents funeral and should never bother to try contacting me after all the hurt he caused my parents---because of his issues-whatever they are.
There are more than a few sites dedicated to parents of adult estranged children; most have NO idea what caused the estrangement.
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My parents did nothing to deserve such treatment. His loss. His child's loss. He will not be welcomed to my parents funeral and should never bother to try contacting me after all the hurt he caused my parents---because of his issues-whatever they are.
