How to help my mom with her grief

[Gerania]

My mom used to threaten to kill herself. I lived three hours away. I had to force he into counseling.

[KathrynAragon]

I think I get what the OP is saying - it's difficult to see a loved one crying all the time, throughout the day.

I have mentioned over and over again how my best friend and I both lost our husbands within a week of each other. The differences start there, however - because her husband's impending death was known for many months - he was under hospice care. They had a very different relationship than my husband and I had and she and I are both very different people. She thinks a sudden, unexpected death must be much worse than a long, slow decline, but I don't think it makes a lot of difference over the long haul - that person is gone and will never return, period.

She and I initially had very different responses and reactions but now nearly a year later, our emotional states and experiences are becoming more similar. Though we still handle our griefs differently, we're in much the same place now. And I think we're both doing fine.

Short of laying in the bed or refusing to get dressed, or harming oneself (I mean intentionally), or making some huge life change like suddenly drinking a lot or doing drugs or whatever, I think that most expressions of grief, especially during the first few months (but not limited to that time frame) are normal and healthy. We are all just so different personality wise, and then throw in cultural differences and expectations, and wow - tons of different ways to express ourselves and our grief.

Think about all the different styles of funerals - heck COFFINS for that matter. I mean, I've been to all different sorts of funerals, just like I've been to all different sorts of weddings.

Two funerals that particularly stick out for me are these: A "regular, white people Protestant American" funeral, for the totally unexpected death of a child (killed in an accident) and a "regular, southern black people Protestant American" funeral, for the long expected death (cancer) of an elderly woman who was sort of the matriarch of a family and community.

At the first one, the fact that the mother collapsed and had to be sort of dragged out of the funeral, away from her baby's coffin, was very alarming to some people. In fact, I remember whispering to a friend who was there "God help me, if I ever have to go a funeral for one of my kids, PLEASE be sure that I'm sedated." I mean, the whole thing was awful but the memory of that grieving mother being almost pulled down the aisle by two loved ones will always haunt me. And the rest of the people there were so silent you could hear a pin drop, though everyone was very sad.

Now, on to the African American funeral - there it was EXPECTED that people get up, say something about the deceased woman, and then begin crying, collapsing sometimes, wailing, you name it. I mean, I wasn't even related to her and I felt conspicuous NOT collapsing or sobbing. Oh and it was summertime, in a little country church, and people actually had fans that had obituary information on them. I mean, it was like "back in the day" but it was nice, ya know?

Both were fitting and appropriate responses, I felt. Just different cultures.