Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
We lost my aunt to COVID nearly 3 months ago and no we are not expecting life to move on immediately as we are still very much mourning her loss but my mom is simply not ok. She cries, a lot, all the time. We were out to lunch and she started crying that my aunt would have loved that lunch. Her and my father will be watching TV and she randomly starts crying. Mind you my extended family all live in my birth country but my mom and her sisters are/were incredibly close. The sister that passed and my mom talked almost every day. So I understand my mother is hurting. She keeps saying she wants to go back to her home country to "help" my uncle and my cousins but honestly, at her state I feel like they'll end up having to take care of her and not the other way around.
I just don't know how to help her. Whenever we've had a loss she is always hit the hardest. Like we all miss our deceased family members, I talk about an uncle that passed 24 years ago all the time still but I mostly just miss him and wish he was still around. I don't break down every time I talk about him or any of my grandparents that have passed. My mom breaks down, like a lot. I adored this aunt, she was like my second mom, and while I miss her very much, I know that she would hate to see me crying uncontrollably. My father actually lost his brother about 20 days before my mom lost her sister and I feel like he wasn't even able to grieve properly as he's had to take care of my mother.
Honestly, I just don't know how to help her manage her grief. I suggested she talk to a therapist but she's not a big fan of that, I don't think her generation thinks talking to a therapist is beneficial. My now deceased aunt was actually a big advocate for therapy and when I said that to my mom she yelled at me for referring to her sister in the past tense. So honestly, idk what to do. Am supposed to pretend she's still around or something?
I am 56 and after losing both parents, my brother, AND THEN MY HUSBAND all within a couple of years, I decided to get some grief counseling and I am so pleased with it. I lost my husband about ten months ago, and I'm feeling OK. I mean, I am sad sometimes, but now (just this past month) it's not the first thing I think of every morning or the last thing I think of at night. The grief is manageable in other words, and a big part of that I chalk up to grief counseling. I can't recommend it enough.
I actually got counseling for PTSD because my husband's death was so sudden and unexpected that it completely threw me for a loop, and honestly, even before the therapist told me I had PTSD I knew that I did. She has been doing this with me:
No. Because of COVID there wasn't much of a funeral. A very small service and my mother hadn't gotten her full dose of the vaccine yet so my brother and I didn't want her traveling and risking her getting sick.
If she is adverse to the idea of therapy, than try suggesting grief counseling. You can tell her that's not therapy, it's just help for someone who has suffered the loss of a person who was very special and loved very much.
You might also try to find a grief group for her to talk to other people who are also grieving a recent loss of a loved one. Sometimes hospitals, churches or senior centers host grief groups.
Your local senior center may be a resource to help locate a grief group in your area, even if they don't host one.
Remind your mom that her sister would not want her to be suffering like this.
We lost my aunt to COVID nearly 3 months ago and no we are not expecting life to move on immediately as we are still very much mourning her loss but my mom is simply not ok. She cries, a lot, all the time. We were out to lunch and she started crying that my aunt would have loved that lunch. Her and my father will be watching TV and she randomly starts crying. Mind you my extended family all live in my birth country but my mom and her sisters are/were incredibly close. The sister that passed and my mom talked almost every day. So I understand my mother is hurting. She keeps saying she wants to go back to her home country to "help" my uncle and my cousins but honestly, at her state I feel like they'll end up having to take care of her and not the other way around.
I just don't know how to help her. Whenever we've had a loss she is always hit the hardest. Like we all miss our deceased family members, I talk about an uncle that passed 24 years ago all the time still but I mostly just miss him and wish he was still around. I don't break down every time I talk about him or any of my grandparents that have passed. My mom breaks down, like a lot. I adored this aunt, she was like my second mom, and while I miss her very much, I know that she would hate to see me crying uncontrollably. My father actually lost his brother about 20 days before my mom lost her sister and I feel like he wasn't even able to grieve properly as he's had to take care of my mother.
Honestly, I just don't know how to help her manage her grief. I suggested she talk to a therapist but she's not a big fan of that, I don't think her generation thinks talking to a therapist is beneficial. My now deceased aunt was actually a big advocate for therapy and when I said that to my mom she yelled at me for referring to her sister in the past tense. So honestly, idk what to do. Am supposed to pretend she's still around or something?
In Victorian times, women wore black clothing and men wore a black armband FOR A YEAR, and for a very good reason; because they were intensely grieving FOR A YEAR and it was a way of letting others know so they would cut them some slack. Your mother is GRIEVING, and her behavior is perfectly normal and natural. Its sounds like, for whatever reason, you don't understand this and probably aren't the best person to give advice, not that any is needed. Nor is medication necessary (yes, she could take an SSRI to blunt her emotions, but why should she?), nor is therapy (she misses her sister, as she should; what else is there to say or explore?). Time alone will lessen the pain. It frankly sounds like you're the one who's uncomfortable with this and wants her to "get over it" for your sake.
Grieving is individual. Can't circumvent it or force an end to it. Sometimes if there were things left unsaid with the departed person it can be worse because closure is that much harder to reach. The reason why she lost her sister (traumatic, unexpected, international crisis) also plays into it. The relationship she and your aunt shared was unique to the two of them. Some people deny and resist grief, and end up bottling it up inside, partly due to pressure from other family members. Then it erupts later more intensely because there's shame or guilt added to the mix.
How can you help your mom? Do some reading about the grieving process for yourself, so you have a better appreciation and understanding of what's going on for her. Sounds as if you could use it.
There is no agreed upon timeline for grief. I do understand that it is hard for family members to watch their loved one breaking down repeatedly.
Urge your mom to find a grief group where her feelings will be allowed and understood. Go with her, if you must, to the first meeting. In fact, both your parents could benefit from joining.
Remind your mom that you understand her great grief, but you want to help her feel less overwhelmed by it.
If she refuses to visit counselor or group, then you will have to simply see this through. I think it is OK to allow your mother to cry, without offering extra comfort. If there is nothing she wishes to do to address her overwhelming grief, it is OK to give her space to cry. Apparently she needs to do this.
If you think she would do this, you could encourage her to keep a journal during this time.
She is unreasonable in her demand you not use the past tense regarding your aunt. Use the past tense without apology.
Can you reach out to your dad in his grief? Are there things you could be doing for him?
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
