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When my mother died at age 90 two years ago, my father was so sad and lonely. I think the efforts to comfort him, to do anything possible to ease his sorrow, must have put my own grief for Mom in abeyance. And when one of the couple is still there, in their assisted living unit, you clear out a few things, but life goes on in the familiar apartment. Dad died last week, and it seems like it’s not only goodbye to him, but goodbye to mom. Now the evenings hanging out with Dad, with many references to their life together, surrounded by all the furnishings of their life together, are at an end, and not only Dad, but Mom, are finally at an end. I guess while Dad was alive, I felt like Mom was sort of working with me, helping me keep him comfortable and cheerful. Now poof, both of them no longer with me. Just wondered if anyone else sort of unconsciously delayed the impact of the first death until the second death.
Sorry for your loss. First parent died in the 1990s and is still missed but was mourned. Second parent (father) is still here at 95. I can't quite relate because of the wide gap. Condolences.
I was brought up from a baby by my aunt and uncle who I thought were my parents.. but at age 18 my father died.. seven months later my mother died too.I was devastated and felt a nuisance to family members who offered to take me in.. back then in the 60s girls didnt rent a flat on their own it wasnt seen as decent.... At such a young age my head was all over the place.. Isnt it so sad that we all have to go through this trauma sometime in our lives.. I then married in haste to solve what I seen as a problem.. big mistake..
I am so sorry for your loss. I've experienced it as well. My parents died two years apart and in the in between time, I was so busy caring for my mom's needs that I really didn't have time or energy to process everything.
It's been four years now for dad and two for mom and I just want to give you hope. Now that the horror of losing both of them has lessened, and the years of hanging around hospitals and all that are behind me, I've been more able to remember them together, younger, more vibrant, like when I was a kid or something, and those memories make me smile. I miss them both but it's not a raw sort of pain - it's a grateful, nostalgic sort of pain if that makes sense. But it took a little bit of time to get there.
Sorry for your loss. First parent died in the 1990s and is still missed but was mourned. Second parent (father) is still here at 95. I can't quite relate because of the wide gap. Condolences.
Same too, sort of. Mom died in 2001 after a long battle with dementia, so she had been more or less "not with us" since 1995. I was pretty much done mourning her loss before she actually died. Dad passed away in 2019, and I'm glad we got more years with him, but it never felt like Mom was still with us.
What is hard is that I had lost both parents by the age of 50. Most of my friends can't relate, as they still have one parent if not both. One friend just a few years younger than me just lost her last grandparent! I haven't had grandparents for 30 years.
This is what happens when people have kids late in life. Not saying I wouldn't want to be here, but there are definitely disadvantages to having kids in your 40s.
My dad died in 2006, my mom in 2019 but they had been divorced for many years and both had remarried. However when my mom died I was 64 and still felt like an orphan when I had no parents.
upnorthretiree, I am sorry for your loss. I think what you say makes sense, although I did not have that experience. My parents died 47 years apart. My father died when I was a child. He did not make as big an imprint on my life as my Mother.
I am sorry for your double loss. We never get enough time in life with those we love. I was 57 when my mom died, my oldest sister was 77.
Having a parent alive gave me a sense of still being a kid. Now with both gone there’s no longer any buffer. Dad was in his 90’s when he died and Mom died two and a half years later. Mom had dementia and that overrode everything else. It really didn’t hit home until their house was sold and they were both gone. That was when the finality and loss set in.
OP, I’m sorry for your loss. Often I find myself thinking or saying “Dad/Mom would have loved this” when I’m enjoying something I know they would have liked too. While it may make me sad, it also makes me think of them when they were more vibrant with the ability to enjoy things.
Last edited by jean_ji; 06-23-2021 at 11:31 AM..
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