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Winter bird, I don’t think the outcome would have been any different for your mom if she had moved closer to you. It’s just random and life. Also I love where I have lived for the past 25 years and wouldn’t follow my kids if they moved. Only one of my kids is local. Older people aren’t children and get to make their own decisions. It’s difficult to lose a parent.
I hope this is a good thread to resurrect; I think you all will understand.
Ebbe's post #3 is helpful for me.
My mom died at 72 in her sleep a month ago today from cardiopulmonary failure. While I don't blame her for her death, I think she contributed in a small way. And mostly, I think I contributed and should have tried harder, made better arguments, gotten my siblings more on board to convince her to move home. She just refused to move closer to her family. I know for a fact that we would have been able to keep an eye on her more.
Generally speaking she stayed on top of her health w exams and follow up treatments as needed. But she was under more stress than usual lately. Had she been closer to home, we'd have noticed if she needed to slow down and go to a doctor. She was very energetic and cheerful, but she did struggle with depression and anxiety. She just kept busy and living her life. I wish I could have helped her.
I just wanted to share that I've been feeling guilty, and it's a very hard feeling to deal with.
Winterbird, I agree with Terry. These things happen and we don't know why. I do believe and one of the things that comforts me is that God will explain it in the end. I have guilty feelings for my husband's death as well. He passed away from a massive stroke and had a minor one from which he completely recovered a few years prior to that one. I feel like I should have made him go to a doctor (he never had a family doctor after the one who saw him after the minor stroke left the practice) and should probably have pushed for something like warfarin or a stronger blood thinner (than just aspirin). We just lived busy lives and thought the stress reduction and smoking less would help. It helped to talk to my pastor about it and has relieved some of my guilty feelings. But I just urge you to try not to feel so guilty. I think many of us have this (kind of like a survivor's guilt for some of us--like for me, I wish it would have been me instead). Best wishes for you.
Winterbird, I agree with the other people who are telling you that there's no point in feeling guilty. I felt that way too, after my beloved husband suddenly dropped dead of a one time, massive heart attack at age 62. He was a very light smoker, not overweight but not skinny, but he had abnormally high triglycerides that the doctor said just had to be genetic. That being said, his light smoking (about half a pack a day or even less) didn't help anything. But you know what - could I have made him go to the doctor more often? No. Was he scheduled for a full cardiac review and testing and all that in a few months? Yes and he was planning on going to it. He wouldn't have gone in earlier but of course, hindsight being 20/20 I felt for several months that I could have done SOMETHING differently. Now I don't feel that way a year and a half out.
What really helped me was writing him a letter. In it, I wrote out every single way that I felt I failed him as a wife. After I reread it, (right after I wrote it), I realized that he would have laughed and said that was the craziest, stupidest letter he'd ever read. I folded it up and put it in the drawer with his things and I've never read it again since, but it really helped to write it out.
I think I should perhaps hide it from my kids, I don't know. Hmmmm. Maybe I should just burn it, maybe on the 2nd anniversary of his death.
Basiliximab - Thank you for the encouragement. My guilt is stemming from not realizing that my mother was under more stress than usual due to a few family issues. Also, from giving away some of her clothing (per my other thread, which you guys helped me so much with). I do understand what you’re saying and am trying to let go of the guilty feelings and thoughts. I do believe in God and read my Bible and pray. I'm just super low right now
KathrynAragon - Thank you. I love the option to write Mom a letter. I think I will do that very soon. If you keep the letter it may help if you get to feeling low again. I would definitely keep it hidden from the kids LOL
Basiliximab - Thank you for the encouragement. My guilt is stemming from not realizing that my mother was under more stress than usual due to a few family issues. Also, from giving away some of her clothing (per my other thread, which you guys helped me so much with). I do understand what you’re saying and am trying to let go of the guilty feelings and thoughts. I do believe in God and read my Bible and pray. I'm just super low right now
KathrynAragon - Thank you. I love the option to write Mom a letter. I think I will do that very soon. If you keep the letter it may help if you get to feeling low again. I would definitely keep it hidden from the kids LOL
You aren't kidding! But it sounds so silly now, I am pretty sure they would be OK reading it. I don't know.
We are at the end of so many causal chains that it's a really tricky business to say how much a loved one contributed to their own death.
We all do self-defeating things or indulge bad habits all the time. Sometimes I think the dead get a bum rap because they aren't here to defend themselves.
Death, at least death due to illness or misadventure, is no less a tragedy if it's entirely, much less partly or questionably, self-inflicted. It's somewhat beside the point.
OP: What, specifically, is the counselor accusing you of doing?
How are you taking your anger out on her (in what way)?
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