Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I have officially failed at Bereavement Counseling. My therapist has kicked me out. And it's about time.
The straw that broke the camel's back? That I should acknowledge my anger at my husband for 'contributing' to his death. WTF? My husband hid his illness from me. Didn't go to a doctor until it was too late. There was a PANDEMIC going on! His whole life, my husband's first and only thought was for me. Keeping me safe. He didn't break quarantine because he feared for me. Did she not have a TV? How can anybody not know how bad it was in the NYC area? He gave no thought to his own life because he feared so greatly for mine.
I have every feeling on this earth inside me. I have guilt that I didn't notice how sick he was. I have anger that the PANDEMIC wasn't gotten under control as fast as other countries managed to do. I am pissed at the world because THIS WAS NOT THE PLAN. I miss him soooo much. On and on and on. There is no anger at my husband, that man's very first thought was always for me. His very last thought was for me.
Did your loved one have bad habits or bad decisions that contributed (even if only in an ancillary way) to their death. How did you handle it?
My bereavement counselor says I am taking my anger at my husband out on her.
However in my case she was crazy and trying to push me to do things I was not ready for.
My husband used a flip phone. It was what he was comfortable with, and what he wanted to use. He also never used the speakerphone function. He put it up to his ear and talked. And he spent a decent amount of time on his cell phone.
In 2004, my ex brother-in-law got a glioblastoma brain tumor. Same as my husband. He also used a flip phone and he was on his phone constantly. He was right handed, and when my sister went to visit him in the hospital after her his first surgery she walked into the room which was darkened for his comfort, and thought that idiots already on the phone again, but she discovered it was the bandages.
My husband was left-handed, guess where his brain tumor was. I did the research, and there is no connection that can be found from cell phone radiation to cancer. I asked the doctor, told him my suspicions and he told me no. They do look on a regular basis, it is being studied but so far there is no real connection. There’s specious information about it but it’s not good information.
I should also say that my husband was a huge consumer of lunchmeat, he went through pounds of it a week. Not to mention having at least one pizza a week which was all salami and pepperonied up.
And he didn’t really like vegetables. So I don’t know. 13,000 people a year get diagnosed with brain cancer. It’s a crapshoot. It’s an amazing crapshoot that my ex brother-in-law and my husband died of the exact same thing. But it is just that, a crapshoot.
So I did go down that rabbit hole for a while and I realize that it wasn’t doing me any good at all so I stopped. But you know what, you got to go through it.
By the way, after my ex brother-in-law‘s diagnosis I started using the speakerphone. I never hold that damn thing up to my ear. It just doesn’t happen.
But in reality, my anger manifested in the hoarding. The first thing I did was clear out the linen closet which was his T-shirt closet. Shelf by shelf. Good T-shirts, bad T-shirts I am not kidding you there were at least 16 bags of T-shirts by the time I got done. Not including the bags of tees that I tossed.
And then there were boxes of books and crap that he had taken out of his truck — all the crap that was taken out of the truck, holy mother of pearl. I had to decide whether or not that was something that could go to Goodwill, or toss. Box after box after box after box. Then I tried to do some books then I realized I needed a plan and then I just got mad as hell.
And anger is a part of grief. It’s really OK, and you will get through it. And for anybody reading this it doesn’t have to be — I was never angry at my dad when he died of a heart attack. But losing your spouse is very different than losing your parent. Especially when you lose a spouse at the early age of 59. I should’ve listened to him, he always said he never thought he’d see 60.
What a horrible therapist. You should have fired HER. One feels what they feel. Grief runs the show, IMO and you never know how you will feel day to day. Someone trying to force a feeling on you that you don't have...pfffft. Everyone feels grief and mourning in their OWN way. A lot of times guilt is present, whether warranted or not. Survivor's guilt. Guilt about woulda, shoulda, coulda. Lots of people feel this. It is normal. But don't go there and add to your suffering. You do the best that you can at the time. Remember that, you did the very best you could have. And your husband did his best at the time too.
Depending on your beliefs, some find some solace in remembering God has ordained our number of days.
My husband could never quite quit smoking. He never was a heavy smoker, and he actually hated that he smoked, but he couldn't quite quit. He only smoked about six cigarettes a day max. But he died of a heart attack. The first thing the medical examiner asked me was "How many cigarettes a day did he smoke?"
Anyway, I am so sorry that your grief counselor was an idiot. Get another one.
My grief counselor was a massive help to me and in fact, since yesterday was the one year anniversary of my husband's death, I am going back in today for a visit with her. I haven't been in a few months. She never pressed me for any emotions, not anger, not sadness, nothing. She allowed me to feel whatever I wanted to feel whenever I wanted to feel it. She DID make me do art, which I didn't like doing, but it was helpful.
I know I had PTSD. She treated me for that and it was very, very therapeutic. I couldn't have gone through this past year without her help. Get a different grief counselor!
Silly as it sounds we are a product of our choices.
In reading the essence of your topic may I say you express anger in a way that works for you. My Aunt tended to misdirect her anger over her husband's death at anyone within ear shot. Try Not to take that personally others would say. I took it personal though.
I think misdirected anger is still anger for the griever. So ...go thru it I suppose.
Some have a prominent emotion when grieving...for my aunt it was anger. No matter who she was grieving. Her son....her best friend. Or spouse.
I myself tap into anger not at the departed. So much as the medical team that made human mishaps that led to the final death.
I get the concept of what your counselor is wishing touch upon. Not clear though that the counselor is accepting that for you it really isn't a path you need to travel.
Follow your heart....it's healing in it's own way.
Follow your heart....it's healing in it's own way.
This.
I have just never been a very angry person. I'd say my overwhelming emotion (after the initial shock of a few weeks wore off) has been gratitude. I have felt anger in just a few fleeting moments - here and there a bit but totally overwhelmed by other emotions.
I had always heard that anger was one of the steps toward healing when it comes to grief. To be honest, I was dreading it. When it finally showed up, it lasted just a few minutes and wasn't a big deal.
We're all so different. It does sound like you need a different counselor. Sometimes we're just not well matched with someone else.
I thought that it is well recognized in the grief counseling world that everyone perceives and expresses grief differently. Maybe your ex grief counselor needs to take a cue from Burger King and let you have it your way…What an idiot!
Merry, thanks for posting this. I can’t often discuss it and I know my post won’t be a popular one since it implicates something that so many people enjoy, but I do believe that my husband’s esophageal and stomach cancer was caused by his drinking. Supposedly 75 percent of esophageal cancers are, with the secondary cause of heartburn, which he didn’t have until the stage four tumor. Doctors never said it was alcohol. He had an adenocarcinoma and alcohol is more likely to cause squamous cell cancer, but I am convinced it was alcohol in his case.
He did not appear to have a problem with alcohol. Never got drunk. Never had more than two drinks a day, but he had two drinks every single day, beer or wine and then hard liquor as a nightcap. I assume he enjoyed the slight buzz, but mainly I think it was the ritual of it, signaling time to relax at 4 and then 8 p.m.
He was not at all worried about his alcohol intake. All the advice said that men could have up to fourteen drinks a week safely. He proudly told his doctor he had fourteen drinks a way, never more, and in fact measured out each serving to make sure it was 5 ounces of wine, not 10. Finally one doctor asked him if he really thought 15 drinks a week were dangerous and 14 magically were safe. He saw her point and reduced it to 10, later 7. He finally quit because he had many episodes of atrial fibrillation and the cardiologist said it was much more likely to be alcohol rather than caffeine that triggered it. In the eighteen months he stopped drinking, he never had another a fib episode.
Later more research came out saying men should have much less than 14 a week. Alcohol is more toxic and carcinogenic than we ever realized. A new study came out saying it is the frequency of drinking as much as the amount. And he was doing it frequently, every 20 hours, never giving it a rest. Of course I realize most people won’t get heart problems or cancer from alcohol. But I believe his body just couldn’t process it that well. So many people say they are gluten intolerant, but few say they are alcohol intolerant! He had so many signs of systematic inflammation, but wasn’t willing to stop and see if there was improvement, until he finally had to, with the a fib and cancer.
He was a smart man but had blinders about his drinking. Surprisingly I am not angry at him. If I had to be angry with someone, I guess it would be the journalists who kept repeating the 14 drinks and still do, even with new contradictory research. But with all the mindful and loving kindness meditation I do, I accept that he just had this delusion, this mental block that his drinking was safe.He trued t9 be healthy, with doctors visits, diet, and exercise, but he thought the healthy lifestyle could include 14 drinks a week. Towards the end he did say once that he wished he had done some things differently. I assume he meant the alcohol…
He was a smart man but had blinders about his drinking. Surprisingly I am not angry at him.
OH MY GOSH. I just spent an hour crying while reading this. Thank you!
Our loved ones were grown-a$$ adults, who we loved and respected enough to not sit in judgement of their decisions. Yes, my husband purposefully put on blinders about his illness. I am not angry at him. I loved him unconditionally.
Merry, thank YOU for starting the thread. I was wanting to post about this as well as talk about it in person with people, but it’s difficult since people see it as blaming the victim…but I try to not see it as blame or that my husband was a victim…just that he had free will and made choices that shortened his life. I think if the new research was out, he would have cut down his drinking or stopped completely, but I don’t know that for sure. Since I don’t like the taste or effects of alcohol, it is difficult for me to understand how much pleasure most people get from it. Possibly he would rather have enjoyed 44 years of adulthood with alcohol then 66 years without.
And the other reason I didn’t want to post is that drinking is so much a part of our culture and perhaps becomes even more so with losing a spouse…helps people get through the first years of grief…I didn’t want to seem like a Debbie Downer talking about how lethal it is. And it truly isn’t that bad for most people, I believe, and not everyone has two drinks every day. But it felt good to post my experience with him and what feels like my truth, even though I understand that he and I were outliers, in this and so many other ways. I don’t really think there is such a thing as a generic widow, but if there was, it surely wouldn’t be me!
My late wife started smoking in 1964 as a teenager. Tried many times to quit as an adult, but was never successful. Died from small cell carcinoma approx 50 years later. It would make me angry but I saw how hard she tried to quit. We all have our own bad habits. My own poor dietary habits have given me diabetes, high blood pressure, etc, so how can I judge her or you?
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Solly says — Be nice!
