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Mom lived in another state. We packed up most of her things and brought them home. However, I gave away appx 3 boxes of her beautiful (and expensive) wardrobe to members of her church (she was a very active member). Throughout my life, my mother always received great joy from donating/sewing clothing for those less fortunate, or those who just admired something she wore. At the time, I felt moved to donate the bulk of her clothes. I thought that is what she would have wanted me to do, because that's what she always did. I did keep a couple of bins of special items she wore.
I now feel a heavy sadness and regret that maybe I donated them prematurely. That maybe I should have brought the items home and "sat" with them a while. I also gave away her shoes and leather boots and some costume jewelry. I remember each item I put in the boxes and it's driving me crazy!!! I did keep her gold, pearls and diamond jewelry for the family. We kept a few kitchen items that she's had forever as keepsakes. We brought home her furniture and planters and have them stored until the other siblings can decide if they want them.
I even kept her bedding and pillows, because I can still smell her on them. What is really bothering me is that I gave away most of her clothes! I can't get over it for the last few days. Can anyone relate? I feel like I gave pieces of "her" away, that I can never get back (which is true); if that makes any sense?
I guess I just need a little help, here.
You should have been advised, to "not do anything with your mom's stuff, for 6 months after she's gone." (This includes monies from inheritances.)
This allows you time to grieve and "let go" of stuff, that's just "stuff." (You were denied part of the grieving process.
But, now that it's already gone, take great joy that someone else is enjoying those clothes now. (Hopefully, you don't find out the stash of cash your mom had, hidden in her "Go-Go" boots.) Some older folks "rat-hole" money, then forget about it, or die.
Hopefully, she had a revocable living trust. (If so, it would now be IRrevocable.)
Thank you everyone. I usually respond individually to my OPs, but I can't right now. I'm just so grateful for the responses; they are extremely helpful
Interestingly, the night I gave away a few boxes of clothing, one of my brothers became angry and said that he put a lamp in the bottom of one of the boxes and I had to get it back ASAP. I called the woman who I'd entrusted with that particular box and we went to her house and went through it to find the lamp. Even then I looked at all the clothing and felt I had made the right decision.
Another thing that I hesitate to say, is that I was very angry with my mother for refusing to move home. I knew that she'd die without any of us around her (she died unexpectedly in her sleep) and it was a bone of contention for a while between us. I had began to accept that she may never move home, but I expected to have at least 20 more years arguing with her about it (her mom died at 92 and her dad 88).
I did keep clothing that has always been special to her. Special pieces that she had when I was a child and would wear from time to time. And special pieces she added through the years. But I'm missing ALL OF IT now ... lol.
What I'm understanding you all to say is that this is a part of the grieving process and that makes sense.
Last edited by winterbird; 03-12-2022 at 08:11 PM..
Reason: added thought
I gave away my DH's clothing soon after he died. We always had been donating our used (but gently used) clothing to charities over the years as our weights changed or we bought new items. So, when he died, it seemed natural to me to continue to donate clothing we didn't need. Family had first dibs on the wardrobe, but then everything left was brought over to the city homeless shelter. I felt that these donations were his final gift in thanks for our wonderful life together.
Of course, a husband's clothes are quite different than a mother's clothes. But, I did keep several sweaters of his that I particularly liked and he wore often. I don't really need sweaters anymore since I've moved, but I do like to look at them and touch them periodically. Should I find myself in cold weather, I'll be well prepared with my husband still taking care of me!
You should have been advised, to "not do anything with your mom's stuff, for 6 months after she's gone." (This includes monies from inheritances.)
This allows you time to grieve and "let go" of stuff, that's just "stuff." (You were denied part of the grieving process.
But, now that it's already gone, take great joy that someone else is enjoying those clothes now. (Hopefully, you don't find out the stash of cash your mom had, hidden in her "Go-Go" boots.) Some older folks "rat-hole" money, then forget about it, or die.
Hopefully, she had a revocable living trust. (If so, it would now be IRrevocable.)
I think that the bolded portion of advice is a bit unrealistic for most folks. Who has room to store a houseful of belongings for 6 months? Often the home must be sold because the heirs can't afford to pay the mortgage or rent for 6 months to store the stuff, or to move it into storage and pay a storage bill, and then move it out of storage to sort through. To me this is just prolonging the agony. I've been through the deaths of 3 parents, and I live in a community with many seniors and they are passing away all the time. There is simply no way to keep all their stuff for long periods of time. Many hold estate sales after selecting the items that are meaningful to them, or donate the goods to charity to help those less fortunate.
OP, My condolences on your loss. I've been there and can hear and feel your pain. I understand your regret, and maybe you were a bit hasty to donate the clothes, but your mom's memories are what's important, not her clothes, or other household goods, unless they were a particularly meaningful item to her or you. You did what you thought was best at the time, and you will realize later that it was probably the right thing to do.
I'm guessing you are missing the clothing because they are your connection to your mom. You probably would have donated them at some point in the future if you held onto them. The clothes won't bring the loved one back; that is what we really want. Try to think of the good her clothing will do for someone who truly could benefit from the clothes. That may give you a little peace about the decision. There is probably a bit of regret for all of us who are faced with doing these things. Sometimes, there just isn't a good time to part with these items that mean so much to us. If there is ever anything else you decide you must part with, take a photo of it before you let it go. That can be comforting.
my mother always received great joy from donating/sewing clothing for those less fortunate, or those who just admired something she wore
It sounds like she would have been proud and happy for what you did. But with that being said, I can totally relate, as I did the same thing. But you know your mom is not in those clothes or any other material thing. Know that you helped others with what you did - and I think that would make her proud.
I initially felt that I didn't want to transfer all of her stuff to storage here, only to delay letting it go later. I felt that I was saving myself a lot of energy by donating it immediately. As it is, we still have to find homes for all her other stuff. I've just recently had this sinking feeling that I really screwed up regarding the clothes. My OCD has kicked in and I am seeing myself packing all of her things and give the boxes away. I can almost name each item "I should have kept..."
I'm so grateful for you all sharing your experiences. I need to feel someone understands.
What would you do with the clothes if you kept them? Wear them? Make something from them? Pay to store them for a few years, then donate a bunch of out-of-fashion garments to strangers?
I think you made a good decision, giving them to people who knew and loved your mother, and will get use out of them.
I've done a couple of MAJOR moves, getting rid of nearly everything each time. I do still get that feeling of "OMG, I should have kept that!" but I really wasn't using it, and probably wouldn't have used it if I'd kept it. I'm better off without it.
I have not experienced this yet but both my mom and MIL are older (mom77) (MIL 82) When my grandfather died my mom's siblings had his house up for sale within a month after his death and my mom was told to come to the house and pick what she wanted or it was going to the curb. luckily my mom was given things over the years by her dad. My mom and her dad were best friends, she took care of him always. the one thing my mom has that her siblings didn't were great memories, her and my grandfather did everything together. Although it is hard getting rid of a loved ones things memories will always be there. A person should be able to grieve as long as they want and the way they want. I think you did the right thing by donating her clothes. No one can take away your memories and by giving away her things does not mean she will be forgotten.
I can relate to much of what has been said. I eventually decided that I couldn't keep all of my mom's things because she had so much stuff. I had no room for it and I was not going to pay for a storage unit (or two or three). Here is saying I came up with that might help:
"Create memories not museums."
I only kept things from my mom that had strong value. The rest of the things I decided to part with ... but gradually. I now have only a few boxes of items from her but they are important. The most important things are that which is in your heart, those special times that will always remain with you.
My mom passed away about five years ago but I still think of her daily. I am glad I have those memories and some items to remind me of her, but I am thankful that I don't have all the extra physical stuff.
Memories that live in you are the only things you need to honor your mom. Everything else is just things. I am sure your mom knew how much you loved her. I have had to empty houses quickly and never felt sorry for anything I donated.
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