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You can't keep everything that your mom touched. You just can't. I kept a few things that were important to me, I kept her jewelry and gave it to family so they would have a memento, I gave all of her good clothing to charity and I threw the rest in the trash. I did the same with dad. I don't put any sentimental attachment to clothing. I have a few small items from their house in my house, as well as a few paintings that they had. I think that is more important than clothing. I think that you did what your mom would have wanted you to do with her clothes, and it gives her "church lady friends" something to remember her by.
Clothes were the first thing to go, a day or 2 after the funeral. If you or someone else will continue living there it doesn't help to see them every time you open a closet or drawer.
Over the years I got rid of more and more of their stuff. After almost 20 years what I have left from my parents could fit in a couple shoe boxes.
I find relief in re-reading your experiences and words of comfort. I did share with my brother (the one who I traveled with to arrange to bring her and her things home) how I had been feeling and asked his thoughts. He agrees with you guys. He said initially he thought that I was caught up in the grief of it all, but he, too, felt and still feels it was the right thing to do. She loved her friends there and wouldn't want me to feel guilty and regretful about gifting her things to them (although a part of me hears her voice "winterbird! what are you doing? I love that sweater!". But that's the live version of her, isn't it?
We did keep the most important things to split and share amongst the family. I'll get over this. Thanks again, everyone for the reminders to cherish my memories of her and not focus on her "stuff"
My dad has been gone a year now. At first, I could not give anything of his away--I couldn't even take his spare glasses to the Lions box at Walmart. But about eight months after he passed, I was able to. So I imagine you probably gave them a little faster than you were ready to process. But you did such a good thing, and it would have made her very happy, so you did the right thing, and she might have even been pushing you to do it from the other side.
I burned some papers of my dad's at a Jahrzeit ceremony I had for him. I am still so regretting one thing, a little card from a fishing camp in Canada from the 1930's, where he went as a boy. But it had meaning and I was trying to send him happily on his way.
So I know what you mean about regretting something like that.
I think, as more time passes, I will be able to pass more things along. You did not destroy these things--you let them have life with her friends, which is a beautiful thing to do.
But for me it is showing itself to be a process, and I imagine it will be more years before some of the things are just things.
My dad has been gone a year now. At first, I could not give anything of his away--I couldn't even take his spare glasses to the Lions box at Walmart. But about eight months after he passed, I was able to. So I imagine you probably gave them a little faster than you were ready to process. But you did such a good thing, and it would have made her very happy, so you did the right thing, and she might have even been pushing you to do it from the other side.
I burned some papers of my dad's at a Jahrzeit ceremony I had for him. I am still so regretting one thing, a little card from a fishing camp in Canada from the 1930's, where he went as a boy. But it had meaning and I was trying to send him happily on his way.
So I know what you mean about regretting something like that.
I think, as more time passes, I will be able to pass more things along. You did not destroy these things--you let them have life with her friends, which is a beautiful thing to do.
But for me it is showing itself to be a process, and I imagine it will be more years before some of the things are just things.
I’m imagining my grandmother in this situation. When she was alive, we’d always ask her “Oh where is X” and she’d say, “Well I hadn’t used it for a month so I gave it to Betty.” The woman had the fastest purge schedule of anyone I’d ever met. That said, I feel like my sister and I are more likely to give items away now as opposed to selling them. My parents are doing a purge now before downsizing and are selling a lot of it, but a lot of it is really nice. Some of it I would take, but literally have no room for.
That said, even if you have something small, you will remember your loved one. For example, I still use my grandparents’ dining table and have my grandfather’s old nightstand. I think of them frequently when I use them. I don’t really need to have a lot of items to remind me.
I can't speak for everyone or every situation but sometimes I suspect it may be easier to clean things out while you are still numbed by the shock of loss. When that numbness starts to fade, it can be very traumatizing to deal with parting with a loved one's possessions.
I can't speak for everyone or every situation but sometimes I suspect it may be easier to clean things out while you are still numbed by the shock of loss. When that numbness starts to fade, it can be very traumatizing to deal with parting with a loved one's possessions.
That is exactly why I gave my Mom's stuff away right after she died. My first thought was to donate them to the community sale (her condo community), since that was happening right at the same time. But then I thought, no, I really don't want my Mom's neighbors rummaging through her clothes and maybe I'd see one of them wearing something of hers. So I gave them to the church's thrift store. I was going back up North and I just didn't want to see her stuff still hanging in the closet when I came back. Then I'd be paralyzed.
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