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Just wanted to point out that here there can be a visitation with an open casket, a funeral, and then a cremation.
I think there are different traditions in different areas of the country. I was describing what I experienced in the STL area. And, DH and I are going to make arrangements so our kids don’t have to decide on the fly what to do when we die.
I read how you felt about seeing your husband’s body, and I have a lot of empathy about this. My mother actually felt the same about seeing my dad after he died. Possibly seeing the outer shell, so to speak, without the animating spirit helps with closure. At any rate, what I tell myself is when I’m dead, I won’t care anymore.
A wake is usually in lieu of a church service and is followed by the burial (or cremation), then that is usually followed by a reception/gathering.
IME it's "in addition to."
Quote:
Originally Posted by DubbleT
The word 'wake' is used differently is different regions of the country, and for some the word used is repast. Which is why I asked.
Most of you responding seem to use the word wake for what I consider a memorial service, the service held just before the funeral, sad music, eulogy, and tears. To me that is not what a wake is.
Yeah, I've noticed funeral traditions are different even across different cultures, sometimes even within the same Church.
Where I grew up in the midwest the term "Visitation" was used in the obituary, but was what everyone referred to as the Wake in conversation, not totally unlike a wedding invitation that indicates "The Ceremony is to be held at St. Vincent's" but in conversation we'd say "the Church Service" or something of the like.
Wakes are held at the Funeral home, the day before the Funeral at a church or the funeral home if one isn't religious. If Catholic, a vigil is often held at the end of the wake where a Rosary or a handful of prayers are said. Generally, wakes were a time for people to visit and talk. You'd stay for a little while if you knew the deceased well, or the survivors well.
The below is anecdotal, take it for what you will.
Here in the south the more common theme is the "visitation" in which the family of the deceased stand up front by the casket/urn and receive guests that queue up to pay their respects...and I've seen the visitation held before and after the church service but most commonly it seems to be held the evening before. There is less visiting/conversing, as everyone is in line and has been for some time. It's more of a "I'm so sorry about your Momma, she was always so sweet," and "thank you so much for coming, you didn't have to drive an hour for us" followed by a hug/handshake and a hasty exit.
When my Great Aunt passed away, she was (per her wishes) embalmed then transported several hundred miles south below the Mason Dixon line to the (Roman Catholic) parish she grew up in. Since she had lived for decades in the midwest, there was very little turnout that wasn't family, though there was a lot of family. That followed the more southern "visitation at the church followed by the funeral Mass." Anecdotally, her sister (my grandma) lived 50 years in the same small town above the Mason Dixon line and had a wake at a Funeral home concluding with the Rosary/vigil, followed by the Funeral mass the next day.
So, take it all for what you will, but the only places people would be dour in their comportment would be at the Church service itself or the burial/interment.
Yeah, I've noticed funeral traditions are different even across different cultures, sometimes even within the same Church.
Where I grew up in the midwest the term "Visitation" was used in the obituary, but was what everyone referred to as the Wake in conversation, not totally unlike a wedding invitation that indicates "The Ceremony is to be held at St. Vincent's" but in conversation we'd say "the Church Service" or something of the like.
Wakes are held at the Funeral home, the day before the Funeral at a church or the funeral home if one isn't religious. If Catholic, a vigil is often held at the end of the wake where a Rosary or a handful of prayers are said. Generally, wakes were a time for people to visit and talk. You'd stay for a little while if you knew the deceased well, or the survivors well.
The below is anecdotal, take it for what you will.
Here in the south the more common theme is the "visitation" in which the family of the deceased stand up front by the casket/urn and receive guests that queue up to pay their respects...and I've seen the visitation held before and after the church service but most commonly it seems to be held the evening before. There is less visiting/conversing, as everyone is in line and has been for some time. It's more of a "I'm so sorry about your Momma, she was always so sweet," and "thank you so much for coming, you didn't have to drive an hour for us" followed by a hug/handshake and a hasty exit.
When my Great Aunt passed away, she was (per her wishes) embalmed then transported several hundred miles south below the Mason Dixon line to the (Roman Catholic) parish she grew up in. Since she had lived for decades in the midwest, there was very little turnout that wasn't family, though there was a lot of family. That followed the more southern "visitation at the church followed by the funeral Mass." Anecdotally, her sister (my grandma) lived 50 years in the same small town above the Mason Dixon line and had a wake at a Funeral home concluding with the Rosary/vigil, followed by the Funeral mass the next day.
So, take it all for what you will, but the only places people would be dour in their comportment would be at the Church service itself or the burial/interment.
Though my experiences for visitations differ, I agree that that here in the south the only places people would be sad and somber are at the church services or the burial.
In my experience, the immediate family of the deceased stands near the casket for a bit during the visitation but after a little while, after the line "dies down," they move away from the casket and the visiting with family and friends really begins. At the visitation there is often a slide show or presentation of the deceased's life playing on various monitors scattered around, and there are sometimes mementos, photographs, etc. and often a play list going and the songs are often not sad at all - music the deceased loved.
Here, in Texas, the visitation is usually held like you said, the evening before the funeral. Like from about 4 till 6 or 5 till 7, something like that. A lot of friends or family come straight from work to the visitation, and it's less formal than the actual funeral.
Yes, if Catholic a rosary or prayers are often said together at the end of the visitation or wake. That part is sort of quiet and somber but the rest of the visitation isn't.
If there's an open casket, people often remark about how good the deceased looks - LOL.
My husband's funeral was so packed that I ended up standing at his casket and hugging about a gazillion people. I couldn't tell you who was there or what they said though. I do remember that the pastor gave a really good little funeral sermon or talk or whatever. He was friends with my husband and in fact, his family had visited us and cooked out and hung out in our pool just a couple of weeks before my husband unexpectedly died. I know that when he heard about my husband, he was loading wood in his truck for some project and he just came over immediately, which I really appreciated.
I have never heard the term wake used in actual usage. I always heard it called visitation . This is when you go to view the open casket, if there is one, and comfort the bereaved. Sometimes there was a celebration of life the next say, or an old fashioned funeral.
With my mom, who died when I was 22, I hated the visitation. The funeral home lined the family up beside the casket and people came through the line. But too often it felt like we were comforting them. It was uncomfortable for me. When I go, I'd rather folks meet and remember me, laugh a lot, see folks they had not seen in a while. I'm not sure I even want a viewing.
Its all changed nowadays... Ireland I think still has the wake tradition but Ive never been to one in Scotland... the body is taken to a funeral parlour until the burial or cremation....and can be views a day or so before... its up the the family... when I go I want the quick cremation with no fuss no funeral flowers as to me its horrible for the family waiting days or longer for it all to be over... cheap and cheerful will do me... and thats it... I dont want embalmed and dressed and looked at... just let me go ...
When my grandma Died in 1975 my mom said the wake last 4 days. These days most people I know have 1 or 2 days at most for viewing the deceased. I wondered if in other parts of the world or USA if people still have them in their homes.
When my grandma Died in 1975 my mom said the wake last 4 days. These days most people I know have 1 or 2 days at most for viewing the deceased. I wondered if in other parts of the world or USA if people still have them in their homes.
I've never heard of a recent viewing or wake in a home in the US but it probably happens somewhere.
With my mom, who died when I was 22, I hated the visitation. The funeral home lined the family up beside the casket and people came through the line. But too often it felt like we were comforting them. It was uncomfortable for me. When I go, I'd rather folks meet and remember me, laugh a lot, see folks they had not seen in a while. I'm not sure I even want a viewing.
I guess the funerals/wakes/memorial services mean different things around the country. Where I am from there is always a viewing at the funeral parlor (wake as we call it) regardless of whether or not you are being buried or cremated. The wake is usually for the living relatives and a chance to say goodbye and grieve. then it's followed by a church service the next day then onto the cemetery or cremation site. Our family chose not to go the crematorium after the church when my dad died. Went had a luncheon at a local restaurant afterwards and we had about 20 people attend( mostly family and a few friends) In our family we always go out to eat between the day and night wake and always have a luncheon after the funeral the next day. My dad's ashes are with my mom because they don't have a plot so when my passes way which I hope is not for another 20 years I will get his ashes.
Yes, the wake is most definitely BEFORE the funeral. When I was growing up, only Catholics used the term "wake" for what we Protestants called the viewing or visitation, probably because it comes from the Irish. The wake is the time when everybody's in the room with the casket paying their respects to the family.
In some cultures, particularly the Irish, there was also food and drink served at the wake, but at any rate, the term comes from the practice of keeping vigil with the deceased until they are buried. A wake therefore by definition can't happen after the burial.
The gathering to eat and drink after the burial is called a repast.
People do other things outside of tradition now though. My friend's Cuban mom, who loved dancing into her late 80s, wanted no wake, an immediate cremation, and a Catholic funeral service. Her daughter did so with her mother's ashes in an urn along with photos on a table in the church.
Then, she said, have people come to the house and raise a glass in my memory. So that afternoon, my friend had an open house. People brought food, had drinks, and they played her Mom's beloved salsa while the younger ones danced, and they played Tom Jones because her mother adored him. She was a fun-loving person into old age, and celebrating her life that way was perfect.
When my grandma Died in 1975 my mom said the wake last 4 days. These days most people I know have 1 or 2 days at most for viewing the deceased. I wondered if in other parts of the world or USA if people still have them in their homes.
I recently read an interesting tidbit. In older times, people had a nice room in the front of the house that was rarely used except for formal occasions--and for family wakes. It was called the parlor. (I know a couple of people who still use that term for that room.)
But then, modern builders began presenting floor plans with a new name for that parlor--the living room! It was no longer the place used for the dead or other serious formal occasions. The idea was that the family would use that room for everyday activities or for entertaining.
And that's how the word "parlor" became to be more associated with the word "funeral" in front of it as more commercial businesses began to provide that service outside of the home.
Last edited by Mightyqueen801; 03-19-2022 at 07:22 PM..
Reason: Missing word
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