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Wakes aren't part of my culture, nor part of the cultures of anyone I know who has passed so I can't speak to that. I've never been to a funeral where people were joking and laughing, but about half of the shivas or meals afterward have included laughter when reminiscing the one who passed. Nothing raucous, just a focus on the pleasant.
I'll be honest - I would be wildly uncomfortable at the kind of event that the OP described, but I also wouldn't expect anyone to adjust their grief for my sake! That said, grief and mourning are so tied to cultural expectations. Maybe this guy never got over his mother, but maybe he just comes from a culture where it seems bizarre. I remember being absolutely horrified and enraged at one of my closest friend's funerals when her huge family left the graveside service before the casket was lowered. How disrespectful and a cruel ending to a life cut so tragically short! It wasn't until I came to City Data absolutely beside myself that only a small group of friends, myself included, stayed with her until she was safely at rest that I learned from folks here that it actually isn't too common to actually be there when the casket is lowered. For me, that's an essential part of my cultural burial practices and my personal need for closure. I'm sure if I had seen her family afterwards (I was so mad, I skipped the mercy meal) that I would have had a sourpuss because I was so sure that what they did was wrong. But for them, it wasn't wrong at all!
I recently read an interesting tidbit. In older times, people had a nice room in the front of the house that was rarely used except for formal occasions--and for family wakes. It was called the parlor. (I know a couple of people who still use that term for that room.)
But then, modern builders began presenting floor plans with a new name for that parlor--the living room! It was no longer the place used for the dead or other serious formal occasions. The idea was that the family would use that room for everyday activities or for entertaining.
And that's how the word "parlor" became to be more associated with the word "funeral" in front of it as more commercial businesses began to provide that service outside of the home.
One other thing. Very often the parlor had a door at the window. This was to facilitate carrying the coffin out. Instead of walking the deceased through the house and out the front door.
A number of the Victorian homes out here that were owned by the wealthy have become museums. And this is one of those things if you ever go on the tour that is pointed out. Really cause I think it freaks people out when they find out because the parlor almost always looks a little more like a dining room. In today’s terms.
__________________ Solly says — Be nice!
Last edited by Mightyqueen801; 03-19-2022 at 07:22 PM..
Reason: Missing word in my quote
Years ago tenements in some parts of Glasgow were very poor. due to influx of Highlanders and Irish to Glasgow..Some lived in a one room flat with many children...When someone died the corpse was kept in the same room.. How sad was this..
It's a celebration of his life, not his death. I have left instructions, no obit, no wake, no church. If you can't call or stop by when I'm alive, don't bother now.
Nope born and raised in New York. He is an only child and comes from a sheltered home life. He was babied by his mom until her death.
Is he NY Catholic Italian? Born and raised in the Bronx but Irish Catholic in a neighborhood that was pretty split Irish/Italian. It’s been my experience that Italian wakes are a bit more somber than Irish. An Irish wake is definitely louder and folks more boisterous, the air is full of stories of fond reminiscences including laughter. Italian wakes I’ve attended are more staid- family is either seated or standing at the casket receiving guests. Talk is muted almost whispering.
I’ll never forget my Nana’s funeral when I was 9. It was full of folks laughing and telling stories, kids everywhere (acting appropriately). My dad (his mother) and the rest of the men popping in and out to go to the bar half a block down. The Mets were in the World Series and they were all checking in.
I distinctly remember crying a little and my dad saying, “your tears are you feeling sorry for yourself cause Nana’s gone. Smile and tell stories- remembering keeps her alive in our hearts”.
He is a NY Italian not sure if he is Catholic. This was not an Irish wake. The man who died was Philippino and his wife was a mix of Irish, English and some other nationality. However I did not see many Philippino's at his wake unless they came during the day.
Was not sure how to title this. My husband and I went to a wake on 3/11/22 for a dear friends dad who was 85 years old. My husband grew up with the family since he was 6. Anyway one of my husbands other close friend and his partner were there. About an hour or so into the wake I saw my friends partner sitting alone with a puss on his face so I went over to him and asked him what was wrong. He said everyone is talking, laughing and having a good time and it's is disrespectful to the deceased. He wanted to know why no one was crying and why the family was not sitting in the first row of seats quietly. I said people grieve in different ways and that this mans death was a shock to the family because he was pretty healthy most of his life. I said this is what some people do at wakes they talk with loved ones and friends they have not seen and they reminisce about the person who died. I told him this is not unusual. Well he did not like that I disagreed with him and said to me why have a wake at all then. When I die I don't want everyone crying over my casket I want to be remembered and I want there to be joy mixed with some sadness. I also said just because no one is crying does not mean they care any less for the person who died. He just did not get it. He lost his mom to cancer maybe 25 years ago and is an only child and I don't think he ever got over her death. He always lived with her and was very pampered and sheltered as a kid. His dad died when he was 5 but he was not close to him. What do you think?
Something similar occurred when my brother in laws mother died. Everyone was laughing, talking about tales from her past and pretty much celebrating her life when the priest came out and yelled at everyone that it was disrespectful. Different religion than mine slightly. All wakes in my family have been for older people so yes, everyone cried a little and laughed a lot when tales were told. If the person is younger I am sure the mood would be a little bit different, but this man was 85 years old. He lived a good life even if it was unexpected. I am with you, I want no one wailing over my grave. I think his perspective is quite different having lost his mother at what was probably a very young age.
A wake is usually in lieu of a church service and is followed by the burial (or cremation), then that is usually followed by a reception/gathering.
No a wake is not in lieu of a church service. A wake is the day before the funeral. It used to be people were waked two days but not so much anymore. The following day the family will go to the funeral home for a last viewing then either to the church for a service before burial or they go directly to the cemetery from the funeral home if buried. When cremated, at least the ones I have been to, a memorial service is held and there is no wake. The reception is after the church/cemetery/memorial event.
Everyone at my mothers wake was yucking it up and laughing up a storm in the back of the funeral home. It was surreal to see that and then see my deceased mother laying in a coffin at the front of the room. But I guess it is better than everyone weeping. The person is already deceased. Whether people laugh or cry, they are still dead. I would imagine that if the survivors was extremely upset, the visitors would respect that.
Your friend shouldn’t be concerned with how everyone else is behaving. Everyone is diffrent. And in reality, not every is even upset ata lol since they probably came to see the survivor and never knew the deceased.
Visitation the night before the funeral. Then the funeral, the burial, and then the wake or after party.
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Solly says — Be nice!
