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Yep. Plus, a pet is often omnipresent in a way that most human relationships aren't. Unless I'm at work or at a place dogs aren't welcome, my dog is pretty much with me. That's seldom true of even your closest family members, other than children while they're still small. I wouldn't say I love my dogs more than people, but I'd say they're more of a constant than almost any person is. So when a dog passes away, almost every routine is disrupted, and you're constantly reminded of the loss, which keeps the wound really raw.
I read a book on pet loss (after losing one of my elderly cats), and this is exactly what they said in one chapter. Especially for us adults without a spouse and/or children, these animals are THE most constant presence in our lives.
Even with my father’s death, it was less of a blow to my daily life than losing a dog or cat; it might have more significance in the big picture, but I was 44 when he died - and hadn’t lived in the same house as him since I was 17. We didn’t even live in the same region for a good chunk of those years, so our relationship was basically phone calls and occasional visits. My dogs and cats, on the other hand, are part of my daily life and routine. So yeah, it can hurt more in some ways.
My older dog (Rudy) is almost 17 now, and I’ve had him since he was a puppy. I’m prepared to lose him in the near future, but know it will be rough when it happens. Just hoping that my knowing he lived a LONG and happy life will bring some comfort.
I actually retired for the sake of my pet, sooner than I wanted to. He was ill and old and suffering extreme separation anxiety when I was recalled to the office after working from home for over a year -- anxious to the point of not eating while I was gone. I would find him standing in the middle of the floor trembling and crying when I got home, and I must assume he'd been that way the whole time. He was losing weight. I requested time off to ease him into the change and was denied. My choices were to prematurely euthanize him (he was ill, but not dying), make him suffer indefinitely, or retire to relieve his distress; I chose Door Number Three. He lived another nine months. Now I'm grieving the loss of my pet AND the loss of my job, but given the bind I was put in, it was my only viable option.
I live alone, am single, have no family to speak of, and don't even have friendly neighbors, so that little guy was everything to me, as I was everything to him. It was the truest love.
We spent literally every minute of the pandemic together. Did your friend, too, with her little dog? Most likely yes... You don't "get over" a loss like that in two or three months.
Of course you don't "leave her alone" now; you continue being her friend without pressuring her to conform to YOUR norm. You seem almost angry about it. Why?
OP, although I can appreciate you going out of your way to help your friend by finding the support group and then being disappointed when your help was rebuffed, don't take it personally. Maybe she just wanted you to listen, not try to fix things.
It's something I had to learn when my own daughter told me once she wasn't looking for a solution to something that was upsetting her, just an ear to vent her feelings to. This may be a case like that. You did your best to help. If she doesn't want the help, then back away. It may just take time.
When my favorite cat died, I cried every day for a month. I felt like I was crazy. I was 58 years old for God's sake and had lost family and friends, including a brother, but the loss of that cat, who I believe loved me more than any other creature with whom I've had a relationship in my entire life with the possible exception of my mother, ripped out my guts. I finally realized one day after about a month that I hadn't cried that day.
It's been almost six years. I've lost two other cats since then, and I miss them, too, and earlier this year I lost my bf's dog who I only knew for four years, but to whom I became very attached but Mattie Cat took a piece of my heart with her.
I actually retired for the sake of my pet, sooner than I wanted to. He was ill and old and suffering extreme separation anxiety when I was recalled to the office after working from home for over a year -- anxious to the point of not eating while I was gone. I would find him standing in the middle of the floor trembling and crying when I got home, and I must assume he'd been that way the whole time. He was losing weight. I requested time off to ease him into the change and was denied. My choices were to prematurely euthanize him (he was ill, but not dying), make him suffer indefinitely, or retire to relieve his distress; I chose Door Number Three. He lived another nine months. Now I'm grieving the loss of my pet AND the loss of my job, but given the bind I was put in, it was my only viable option.
I live alone, am single, have no family to speak of, and don't even have friendly neighbors, so that little guy was everything to me, as I was everything to him. It was the truest love.
We spent literally every minute of the pandemic together. Did your friend, too, with her little dog? Most likely yes... You don't "get over" a loss like that in two or three months.
Of course you don't "leave her alone" now; you continue being her friend without pressuring her to conform to YOUR norm. You seem almost angry about it. Why?
Yes, her dog was her soulmate. Her dog really had the cutest eyes, bulging out and you could stare into her soul. Black and tan deer head chihuahua mix. They slept together. The dog would eat her meals off of her hands. I also fell in love with her dog and have been trying to find a similar one, but not easy.
I am a little frustrated because I thought she wanted to get better. I went to the shelter and they offered a support group. I thought she would be stoked to learn about it, but she didn't show interest. I want her to be happy again.
She doesn't need to "get better" because she's not "sick." Life isn't about being "happy" all the time; being sad is part of it, too; a part that must be experienced.
Yes, her dog was her soulmate. Her dog really had the cutest eyes, bulging out and you could stare into her soul. Black and tan deer head chihuahua mix. They slept together. The dog would eat her meals off of her hands. I also fell in love with her dog and have been trying to find a similar one, but not easy.
I am a little frustrated because I thought she wanted to get better. I went to the shelter and they offered a support group. I thought she would be stoked to learn about it, but she didn't show interest. I want her to be happy again.
She will be happy again, in her own time. Continue to be her friend and invite her out with you sometimes, even if it's just an outing to the farmer's market, or to lunch. If she says no, ask again next week, maybe to a different thing. Give her a call once in a while just to catch up, just as you did before the dog died. She's still the same person, but the grief is taking up a lot of space in her head and heart right now. Eventually she will pull herself out of the funk, but you can't rush it, and she can't help it. Just continue on being her friend unless she tells you to go away.
The sleeping all the time thing is a classic clinical depression symptom. Suggesting the support group, and giving her the contacts to join it, if she feels up to it, is about all you can do. Maybe you could offer to go with her to her first meeting, even if it's a Zoom meeting, might help. You can't make someone see a therapist or take meds. Don't try to fix her, just give her hugs and let her know you are there for her.
I lost my 2 shelties within a week of each other last June. I was just shattered. I had friends that told me I needed to get another puppy, but I had no interest. I was heartsick, and was miserable and crying all the time. It took me several months before I could even consider a pup, and then only because I missed having a pup around. I eventually did get a puppy and he did fill the void and my heart, but I still, every single day, grieve my 2 shelties. Its been a bit over a year now.
I cant imagine telling someone else how to grieve their loss. Everyone is different. A really good friend would just be there for them, and let them do what they need to do. I still, to this day, post pictures of my shelties on FB, as Facebook brings them up as memories. It now warms my heart and makes me smile thinking of them, tho I do get misty from time to time.
I am so sorry for your loss! I had a very similar situation when I lost my two Golden Retrievers 3 weeks apart and a third one less than a year later (cancer is the bane of the breed). After the first two, I couldn't stop crying and I am not a crier. I couldn't talk about them without tearing up, well meaning friends sent me poems and stories about the rainbow bridge and I couldn't even consider reading them. I love the first two in 2019 and the third in 2020. I was telling a fellow dog lover about the one I lost in 2020 (7 years old to cancer) and got all choked up so I had to change the subject. It does get easier, but it never goes away.
I have added three new members to the family. They will never be the original pack, but they are all very sweet pups and I love them.
Honestly, if anyone tried to push me to get over my grief, I would remove them from my life. I actually did remove an online friend who insinuated that the food I was feeding my dogs caused the cancer. I loved my dogs with all my heart and fed the the highest quality kibble. To have that suggested to me less than a week after losing the first two boys was horrible.
OP says their friend stopped working. How many employers would be willing to give extensive bereavement leave for a dog? Even for close relatives it's often only a few days...
We have no idea what the bereaved person does for work or if it's just some kind of independent venture.
OP said "she hasn't been working." That doesn't necessarily mean not showing up for a 9-5 job in an office. She may be a student (OP, at least, sounds young), work for herself, be an "artist," maybe she signs on to work-from-home or goes into the office but just can't concentrate well, which would be typical with grief. People with a dedicated hobby often say they're "working" at it; who knows?
OP didn't say she'd been or was in danger of being fired, which I would think she would be if she literally just stopped going to work.
OP, I haven't researched it, but you're not the one who was in love with his friend's dog and searching for a replica for yourself, are you?
I actually retired for the sake of my pet, sooner than I wanted to. He was ill and old and suffering extreme separation anxiety when I was recalled to the office after working from home for over a year -- anxious to the point of not eating while I was gone. I would find him standing in the middle of the floor trembling and crying when I got home, and I must assume he'd been that way the whole time. He was losing weight. I requested time off to ease him into the change and was denied. My choices were to prematurely euthanize him (he was ill, but not dying), make him suffer indefinitely, or retire to relieve his distress; I chose Door Number Three. He lived another nine months. Now I'm grieving the loss of my pet AND the loss of my job, but given the bind I was put in, it was my only viable option.
I live alone, am single, have no family to speak of, and don't even have friendly neighbors, so that little guy was everything to me, as I was everything to him. It was the truest love.
We spent literally every minute of the pandemic together. Did your friend, too, with her little dog? Most likely yes... You don't "get over" a loss like that in two or three months.
Of course you don't "leave her alone" now; you continue being her friend without pressuring her to conform to YOUR norm. You seem almost angry about it. Why?
I think it's great that you did what you did, otter. It's exactly what I would have done. Hell, I severely compromised my life for my parents and I will always wonder if I had not done it where would I be? But I certainly don't dwell on it. It is what it is. Too late to change.
This thread had been very enlightening for me. I know I face the same thing in a couple or a few years. Depending upon where I am in life, I will get another lovable deserving dog, probably a senior dog. But I think I'm going to be shattered too.
One thing I've noticed is that I don't really like looking at old photos these days. I'm reminded of better times and pets that are passed. The pets who passed long ago I don't mind seeing in photos. But the more recent ones, it's very hard. I think I might put a moratorium on looking for a bit.
When I left my ex in New Mexico, I intensely mourned one of his dogs. She actually cried real tears when I left. It makes me tear up while typing this. I eventually took her photo off my phone and I had to stop looking at her photos for almost a year. It did help. I hope to be seeing her again in a few months. I'd love to have her but her home has always been the ranch. She'd be lost without it.
OP I think this is a stage of grief you are going through too, just like your friend, only you are going through it with the friendship, because the friendship has changed - either permanently or temporarily.
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