I'm 30 and have never had a girlfriend and currently have no friends. What do you make of me? (depressed, smoke)

[rockclimb]

I'm male, 30, had friends during my childhood and adolescence, had a few friends in college, and currently have no friends. My friends from childhood and adolescence, well, it's been such a long time I can't say I miss them. I sometimes think about some high school/college friends but I just feel like going through the trouble of making appointments and planning joint activities is more trouble than it's worth. I also don't feel like going out and making new friends.

I do put myself in social situations. I enjoy going to the beach and don't feel uncomfortable being around people, but I just don't feel like talking to anyone.

Now, as far as girlfriends go, I've never had one in my life. As a teen I used to blame my lack of success with women on my physical appearance, but then I learned that physical appearance is only one of the many things women find attractive in men and that it's possible to make women like you if you have a nice personality and a great sense of humor.

I'm not a conversationalist. I don't enjoy talking for the sake of talking. If I had a consultation with a psychologist or neurologist my guess is that they would find that something's wrong with me. I'm okay with being "different," I just find it weird that my life path is so different from that of most people I know.

But back to the subject of girlfriends... while I feel attracted to women, I am not dying to have sex with them, date them, or even befriend them. I guess I've always been so remote and self-centered that people sort of get tired of me / annoyed at me after a while and either reject me or treat me like an unwanted child. I wonder why go through all that trouble when I can just skip to the part where I am once again alone enjoying my own company.

I do worry about the fact that I live such a solitary lifestyle. I do wonder what if something happens to me and I need to ask someone for help. Who am I going to call? I also worry that if I ever find myself in the position where a woman for some reason is attracted to me and I to her, the moment I admit the type of life I live I will be dumped.

(How many of you would think twice before being in a relationship with a 30-year-old man who has never had one before? How about having sex with a virgin 30-year-old man? Would you want to play that role in that grown-up man's life?)

I just want to know what you feel inclined to think about me based on the information I have provided. Do you see me ever living a remotely normal life or am I essentially damaged goods?

[tweetybird11208]

I have no friends either life sucks

[Wooster1]

Hi, rockclimb.

I'm male, 30, had friends during my childhood and adolescence, had a few friends in college, and currently have no friends. My friends from childhood and adolescence, well, it's been such a long time I can't say I miss them. I sometimes think about some high school/college friends but I just feel like going through the trouble of making appointments and planning joint activities is more trouble than it's worth. I also don't feel like going out and making new friends.

I'm 31, and for years I had very few friends I was in regular contact with. I felt for a long time that I had fallen away from many of my friends. That happens. But once you've had this or that person as a friend it can be well worth getting back in touch with them. Maybe they won't be interested in starting the friendship back up, or you may expect to be bored with them -- otherwise you would have kept in touch, right? -- but it's probably a good idea more often than it isn't. Chance meetings with the right people can result in lasting friendships. A chance meeting outside a coffee shop, by a person who was interested in what I was reading, has led to a five-year-long friendship where I had this guy officiate at my wedding last Friday! Besides my wife, I am tempted to call him my "best friend." I have fallen away or fallen out with several best friends, but each time I have eventually made a new one. It hurts that I don't know them as well as I used to, or that they won't get in touch or are slow to reply to a letter. We don't stay in one place anymore, and that brings good and bad things. "Make new friends and keep the old," goes the song. I used to laugh at that song because I thought it was sappy, in elementary school. But there's truth in it. I am starting to feel a strong desire to finally rehab several relationships with old friends I don't hear from much anymore. I wish you luck if you try the same thing.

I do put myself in social situations. I enjoy going to the beach and don't feel uncomfortable being around people, but I just don't feel like talking to anyone.

For years, I would put myself in social situations. I would go to bars but spend most of the time trying to read. I would use Livejournal to communicate with people about things I cared about. It was not always pretty! You're doing some of the work required for making friends, but maybe you want to put yourself in a less public situation, say by joining a Meetup.com group that shares one of your interests. Bars are for the birds (for me anyway), and I have trouble approaching people cold as one has to do in coffee shops. I found a group of skeptics (Scientific skepticism - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia) and it eventually led to my meeting my wife, whom I married, as I said, Friday the 1st.

Now, as far as girlfriends go, I've never had one in my life. As a teen I used to blame my lack of success with women on my physical appearance, but then I learned that physical appearance is only one of the many things women find attractive in men and that it's possible to make women like you if you have a nice personality and a great sense of humor.

That's great if you're saying you have these things that matter besides physical appearance. If you don't, not everybody does. You could try. I remember when I was 11 deciding I was going to give my social life a lift by planning some specific changes. It helped lead to good things and bad things. I soon after tried drugs, smoked cigarettes, had girlfriends and spent time with fun people I hadn't even known existed.

I'm not a conversationalist. I don't enjoy talking for the sake of talking. If I had a consultation with a psychologist or neurologist my guess is that they would find that something's wrong with me. I'm okay with being "different," I just find it weird that my life path is so different from that of most people I know.

I feel as if I must have known, in school, someone whose life is now similar to yours. Have you considered having a consultation with a mental-health professional? Are there things that you don't mention in this post that you think are holding you back? If you've hit a dead end, comparing notes with someone else (kind of what you're doing here?) and getting an outside opinion, especially from a well-educated professional trained to help people who are having difficulties, sounds like a good idea to me.

But back to the subject of girlfriends... while I feel attracted to women, I am not dying to have sex with them, date them, or even befriend them. I guess I've always been so remote and self-centered that people sort of get tired of me / annoyed at me after a while and either reject me or treat me like an unwanted child. I wonder why go through all that trouble when I can just skip to the part where I am once again alone enjoying my own company.

Maybe you just haven't been meeting the right women. Where have you usually run into women you've talked to? Do you go to bars? To sporting events? To coffee shops or book stores? These are all public places, like the beach, and I have not had much success meeting people I've made friendships with in such places. It makes me very nervous and I feel like a wreck. Are you socially confident in spite of your not being very interested in talking to people? Do you do all the talking? Do you talk about only things you're interested in? Do you ask many questions of the person you're talking to? Do you talk "at" people or do you engage them in a sharing of thoughts? How you go about talking to people is the key, and you probably know this. I don't know you and am trying to avoid making assumptions.

I do worry about the fact that I live such a solitary lifestyle. I do wonder what if something happens to me and I need to ask someone for help. Who am I going to call? I also worry that if I ever find myself in the position where a woman for some reason is attracted to me and I to her, the moment I admit the type of life I live I will be dumped.

(How many of you would think twice before being in a relationship with a 30-year-old man who has never had one before? How about having sex with a virgin 30-year-old man? Would you want to play that role in that grown-up man's life?)

There was a recent movie that I haven't seen, 40-Year-Old Virgin. Have you seen it? I bet it had a happy ending. Sure, it's just the movies; but stranger things happen. I know a woman who is 33 and a virgin. She is living something like a normal life (I don't know if I know what a completely normal life is, but I suspect I would not want to live it if given the chance), and has started something like a relationship with a man in our social circle. She says she doesn't have any strong desire for sex, but maybe she just means fast, meaningless sex. She is trying to find someone. You may, too.

Your point about not having anyone to rely on in times of trouble is well taken. I lived with my parents off and on for many years. I had them to fall back on even when I had no one else. Without them, I would have been in serious trouble. Are you living near your parents, and do they provide some support? Make a few acquaintances and get to know them enough so that you do have someone to help you with small things, like moving (maybe even smaller things than that -- moving's no fun to help with). Find an interest you have and find people who share it with you. It doesn't have to be an overwhelming passion. I think that most of the time these common-interest-based groups are mostly about schmoozing anyway. A friend of mine, who is in a book club, said they don't actually read books but socialize the whole time! The skeptics group I'm in in half about socializing and half about exploring science and critical thinking. It's a social club, but we actively pursue our shared interest. There are many more similar groups, if skepticism turns out to be one of your interests. (If you haven't tried it, what got me to search for a group of local skeptics was the podcast The Skeptics' Guide to the Universe, which knocked me flat. There were other people out there who thought about things similarly to the way I did, and they had a podcast! WOW. Awesome. But anyway...)

I just want to know what you feel inclined to think about me based on the information I have provided. Do you see me ever living a remotely normal life or am I essentially damaged goods?

I just don't know you well enough to pass a verdict, rockclimb. Do you rock-climb? That could be a great way to meet people. My younger sister met her husband at a climbing gym. Rock climbing seems like a great way to make shared experiences based on trust (can you belay me?).

The question I have had in mind after reading your post is, "Do you have Asperger's Syndrome?" I have a friend, a very unusual friend (he's the guy I met outside the coffee shop), who has been diagnosed with it. He says he thinks I have it, and that my wife has it, but maybe he's just getting carried way with himself. Anyway, I can't say whether you do or don't, but a mental-health professional might spot something and be able to advise you. You haven't written anything to make me think there is anything "wrong" with you. But there is so much more to you than you could put in that one post, and I would like to hear more about you.

Bertie

[rockclimb]

Originally Posted by Wooster1

I found a group of skeptics (Scientific skepticism - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia) and it eventually led to my meeting my wife, whom I married, as I said, Friday the 1st.

I have a great deal of respect for the skeptic's dictionary. Where exactly do I find one of those groups? And what do they do? Do they meet on weekends and discuss the latest scam?

Have you considered having a consultation with a mental-health professional?

I have done it. They told me I was depressed, low self-esteem, shy, didn't trust people, etc. A bunch of meaningless bull****.

Are there things that you don't mention in this post that you think are holding you back? If you've hit a dead end, comparing notes with someone else (kind of what you're doing here?) and getting an outside opinion, especially from a well-educated professional trained to help people who are having difficulties, sounds like a good idea to me.

I think it's more like lacking social intelligence & mental ability.

Maybe you just haven't been meeting the right women. Where have you usually run into women you've talked to?

Nowhere. At least not during my adult life. Like you, I'm also not into cold approaching.

Do you go to bars? To sporting events? To coffee shops or book stores?

sometimes to the book stores.

These are all public places, like the beach, and I have not had much success meeting people I've made friendships with in such places. It makes me very nervous and I feel like a wreck. Are you socially confident in spite of your not being very interested in talking to people?

No. I am aware of the fact that I am not good at conversations.

Do you do all the talking? Do you talk about only things you're interested in? Do you ask many questions of the person you're talking to?

I've never been there... I wish I could think of more questions to ask people.

Do you talk "at" people or do you engage them in a sharing of thoughts? How you go about talking to people is the key, and you probably know this. I don't know you and am trying to avoid making assumptions.

Well, I don't make small talk with people. I will talk to the cashier at a bank, or a supermarket, but I won't be talking about anything that's not related to the business at hand.

There was a recent movie that I haven't seen, 40-Year-Old Virgin. Have you seen it? I bet it had a happy ending. Sure, it's just the movies; but stranger things happen. I know a woman who is 33 and a virgin. She is living something like a normal life (I don't know if I know what a completely normal life is, but I suspect I would not want to live it if given the chance), and has started something like a relationship with a man in our social circle. She says she doesn't have any strong desire for sex, but maybe she just means fast, meaningless sex. She is trying to find someone. You may, too.

I am not dying to have sex either.

Your point about not having anyone to rely on in times of trouble is well taken. I lived with my parents off and on for many years. I had them to fall back on even when I had no one else. Without them, I would have been in serious trouble. Are you living near your parents, and do they provide some support? Make a few acquaintances and get to know them enough so that you do have someone to help you with small things, like moving (maybe even smaller things than that -- moving's no fun to help with). Find an interest you have and find people who share it with you. It doesn't have to be an overwhelming passion. I think that most of the time these common-interest-based groups are mostly about schmoozing anyway. A friend of mine, who is in a book club, said they don't actually read books but socialize the whole time! The skeptics group I'm in in half about socializing and half about exploring science and critical thinking. It's a social club, but we actively pursue our shared interest. There are many more similar groups, if skepticism turns out to be one of your interests. (If you haven't tried it, what got me to search for a group of local skeptics was the podcast The Skeptics' Guide to the Universe, which knocked me flat. There were other people out there who thought about things similarly to the way I did, and they had a podcast! WOW. Awesome. But anyway...)

I just don't know you well enough to pass a verdict, rockclimb. Do you rock-climb?

I'm a beginner rock-climber, but yes.

That could be a great way to meet people. My younger sister met her husband at a climbing gym. Rock climbing seems like a great way to make shared experiences based on trust (can you belay me?).

Yeah, I've been wanting to go to a climbing gym. I know some here in MA.

However, it's not cheap. First, you need equipment. If you dont have it is ok, but you have to rent it. (that's ok, though - if I have to spend money, so be it). Second, what if you have no one to belay you? Oh well, I guess I'll just ask someone to do it for me?! Not familiar with climbing gym etiquette and rules of conduct.

The question I have had in mind after reading your post is, "Do you have Asperger's Syndrome?" I have a friend, a very unusual friend (he's the guy I met outside the coffee shop), who has been diagnosed with it.

I am not neurotypical, but I don't have Asperger's Syndrome.

He says he thinks I have it, and that my wife has it, but maybe he's just getting carried way with himself. Anyway, I can't say whether you do or don't, but a mental-health professional might spot something and be able to advise you. You haven't written anything to make me think there is anything "wrong" with you. But there is so much more to you than you could put in that one post, and I would like to hear more about you.

Bertie

Please tell me more about the skeptics club. Thanks

[todd00]

You mention normal, I guess you mean, married, with 2.5 kids, living in a middle class suburb. That maybe be normal or desirable for some, but it certainly isn't the end all to what makes people happy and content in life. What works for you and makes you happy and content is what counts. I think having the right partner in life is important though, especially as we grow older. The key is finding someone much like yourself in regards to your personality. What other kinds of things interest you, hobbies, things that you care about deeply, such as a social causes? The rock climbing place sounds like a good possibility. You might try the herb Kratom, it tends to help those that are usually non talkers. It might help you some initially when in new social situations. There are a couple forums dedicated to it. I use it myself for anxiety and depression so I know a lot about it. I'm not suggesting you change who you are, but it might make you just feel more talkative, it can do that. I know a few people that have used it for social anxiety.

In regards to the Skeptic organizations, you said you were in Mass, this link may be of some use, Also you might see if Meet Up.com have any groups you are interested in. They might have a rock climbing group or a skeptics meet up. BOSTON SKEPTICS
Here's another one with some infor and links. New England Skeptical Society - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

You sound like a smart guy, don't over think things to much. That's something I tend to do, and all it does is make your head hurt. I'm with you about the bull the shrinks shovel too. Best of luck to you.

[Wooster1]

Response to previous post by rockclimb:

The skeptics club is a close cousin of several other clubs, and together we have a pretty formidable cadre of people who show up for movie nights and lectures. We had a philosophy professor from the US Air Force Academy come and give a great talk on critical thinking. And he did this for free! We watch movies related to science and skepticism. We even watched Monty Python's Life of Brian. It was even funnier than I remembered it being. We go out once a month to a bar or pub or restaurant and have Drinking Skeptically.

When I first started going I thought it was going to be a place to yammer on about skepticism and compare what we'd read or heard that month. Mostly, it's a place for people who aren't into "woo" (and some that are) to chat and eat and meet. I was so gung-ho about the idea of the club that I may have turned some people off a little by my enthusiasm. But I calmed down gradually, and after I spent a while away from the club during two busy semesters I came back and sank my teeth in.

We have had skeptics over to our house for barbecues and a game night where we played board games and drank beer (I don't drink beer anymore, but drinking isn't a requirement for a skeptical group -- or it shouldn't be). After movie nights or any other gathering we tend to congregate at a local restaurant. There's something called Skepticamp, and there are at least three of them now. They are science symposia, pretty much, where people with varying levels of expertise give presentations. The one in Boulder, CO, last year had experts in their fields giving funny and informative presentations. The one in my town will have fewer experts and fewer talks but we're going to have our own Skepticamp anyway. My wife will be presenting. I lack expertise in science. I was a science major ten years ago but have turned to engineering. Maybe I will work myself into a frenzied state and put together a presentation, but I can't think of what I would do it on.

I have heard of the Boston skeptics. There are similar clubs in other English-speaking countries. UK clubs have "Drinking Skeptically in the Pub" or something like that. The club here in town comprises my primary social group. I had three of them over to my wedding last week. :-) Go to Meetup.com and search for skeptic groups if you're interested in seeing what one in your area has to offer. Gosh, that sounds like a plug.

Bertie

[Wooster1]

Are you happy with the way things are? If not, perhaps you are depressed, shy and suspicious of other people as the therapist said. How long did you see a therapist? The first meeting is the get-to-know you session, where the ice is broken. If you didn't go after the first one no wonder the therapist didn't have anything to say that you found useful.

How do you know you don't have AS? I'm not saying I know you do, of course, but why do you say you don't? Have you been evaluated for it specifically? Were you told you had a mental disorder? You say you aren't neurotypical. I'm not either. I've dealt with bipolar disorder for the last decade. When it started to become a serious problem I had no idea I was mentally ill. I thought it was just a part of my life. I don't know how skeptical you are of the mental-health professions, but I'll be the first to say that some of those guys and gals are into some woo-woo stuff and that I have been hearing that ordinary reactions to life's stresses are often dealt with as if they are signs of disease. The blues is no longer something to write a song about, it's something to take powerful psychoactive drugs for. The mental-health professionals I've seen helped me to varying degrees. My favorite part, I think, was that I was spending time with educated people with a more mature view of life than my classmates had. Every week I would see an upstanding member of the community and talk about whatever was bothering me the most. Because there have been a couple of doctors in the family, I have a lot of respect for doctors, and I always liked going to see my psychiatrists. Their usually rather dour or subdued temperament was reassuring. Maybe you don't see yourself doing that kind of thing. It helped me, but I can't say how much or how little. Same with the medicines. I can't know how much was the natural course of the disease, regression to the mean.

Do you live in a crowded city? I can't stand living in, or even staying long in, a crowded city. I grew up in the rural suburbs and that's where I want to spend my home life.

If you aren't too unhappy, why don't you just solve the problem of not having anyone to rely on in an emergency and spend as much time as you want in your own company? But I would check out the skeptics. It may not be the crowd for you -- not because they're skeptics but because they are people like anywhere else, and people vary a lot -- but I'm glad I found the local bunch here.

Bertie

[smoothshopper]

Originally Posted by todd00

You mention normal, I guess you mean, married, with 2.5 kids, living in a middle class suburb. That maybe be normal or desirable for some, but it certainly isn't the end all to what makes people happy and content in life. What works for you and makes you happy and content is what counts. I think having the right partner in life is important though, especially as we grow older. The key is finding someone much like yourself in regards to your personality. What other kinds of things interest you, hobbies, things that you care about deeply, such as a social causes? The rock climbing place sounds like a good possibility. You might try the herb Kratom, it tends to help those that are usually non talkers. It might help you some initially when in new social situations. There are a couple forums dedicated to it. I use it myself for anxiety and depression so I know a lot about it. I'm not suggesting you change who you are, but it might make you just feel more talkative, it can do that. I know a few people that have used it for social anxiety.

In regards to the Skeptic organizations, you said you were in Mass, this link may be of some use, Also you might see if Meet Up.com have any groups you are interested in. They might have a rock climbing group or a skeptics meet up. [URL="http://bostonskeptics.com/"]BOSTON SKEPTICS[/URL]
Here's another one with some infor and links. [URL="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/New_England_Skeptical_Society"]New England Skeptical Society - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia[/URL]

You sound like a smart guy, don't over think things to much. That's something I tend to do, and all it does is make your head hurt. I'm with you about the bull the shrinks shovel too. Best of luck to you.

theherbsyouwant.com is a GREAT new source for Kratom. These guys researched the field for a log time before they started selling Kratom and their Kratom is AWESOME! Always HPLC tested for high alkaloid content! Check em out!

[the city]

Have you ever dated girls? I have dated like 9 girls in my life and I'm 21. I know other guys who have dated and have no girlfriend yet. I know two guys whose first girlfriend was their wife. I know one guy who has a 10 year relationship in high, 5 girls he dated, and then his wife.

Did you at least go to one prom with a girl?

Everyone is different, so dont feel you need a girlfriend. Most people I know whose first gf or bf were very sucessful in life. Too many relationships can lead to hurt sex, accidently getting a girl prego, or or being cheated on.

I think most of all though I see low self confidence issues, a lack of friendships, and depression. BTW i know a 50 yr old single guy who manages a mall.

Ask for me, I don't need a girlfriend. I could easily get one and have sex with girls I know. But I dont need to because I have friends, a good relationship with my creator, and Im busy with school.

[bentstrider]

I'm glad to see I'm not alone in this.
I'm almost 30, but aside from having short conversations with others, I never really take it to the next level.
I was about to blame this on my work, but then came to realize that this has been the same since as far as I could remember.
I have very few long term friends, but that's only because we became acquainted through the dictatorship of high school, or because they simply lived next door.
I know this "introversion" doesn't run in the family, everyone else in mine has been involved in multiple relationships over the course of their lives.

As far as the "Aspergers" thing is concerned, one of my few friends gave me this movie called "Adam".
I watched this and thought nothing of it at first, but after re-watching it a little slower, I was a little concerned about the parallels I was drawing from the main character.

Apart from personality fixes my friend and younger brother were suggesting, I may also look into possible diagnosis of this.
I've made efforts to get myself out there, but I feel I need all the help I could get at this point.