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I suspect that you HAVE known mentally ill people who behaved in a responsible and conscientious way, but you may not have actually known that they were mentally ill. That's the thing about well managed mental illness...it's still there, but it's not as obvious or visible and if you were not involved with the person closely, you may not know about it. I have removed all those people from my life. It always comes out, one way or another and I just don't have the patience for it. Somebody else may better be suited for them. It may just be simple things in a friendship who don't go their way and they act all butthurt and unreasonable.
But I have known people like you describe as well (was married to one, child of one, parent of one, and I've talked about the struggles I've had with them)...so I get the need to have boundaries and keep yourself safe from destructive people who harm you.
I don't think that there is no hope for them, but look at it this way... We tell people to "get help" right? Well, someone with mental illness can go to therapy or whatever, but if they are not in a place to do the work, to do their part, if they want no responsibility and they don't want to get better or be better, then all the "help" in the world won't fix their behavior. No one can live someone's life for them.
Just like a mentally ill person might find meds that make a world of difference, but nobody can generally MAKE them continue to take them, they have to be willing to do so. I have never met anyone who got help and is on medication and it makes them a normal person. Meds are not miracle drugs.
I know a woman who is schizophrenic, she hears voices. She is on meds. She's a very sweet person, a loving wife and parent, and she does not go around messing up people's lives. Mostly the voices tell her to harm herself, but so long as she is medicated, it's under control. She is not the person you are describing here. no, that is true. I do not know anyone with schizophrenie
I promise you though, people who suffer from mental illness but who are willing to take responsibility for their own actions and who do what they can to manage it, they do exist.
Speaking of people who have mental illness reading this thread right now...and I respect the fact (as it seems, from how you speak) that you have been hurt... But my son, whose love kept me going through some of the darkest times with my ex, my child, has significant mental illness. And right now, he's a mess. I am sorry. But I refuse to believe that there is no hope for him. You seem to suggest it. I think you're wrong. But like a lot of mentally ill people, he's far more danger to himself than to anyone else.
Now you don't have to date anybody, as I've said.
But your posts are very, very lacking in compassion. I don't ask it on behalf of those who have harmed you...but to judge so harshly, a lot of people you have never met, is very unkind.
I am sorry if that hit a nerve. I may still have PTSD from my last mentally ill person even though it has been 4 years. He left me drained and broken and I am still recovering.
I have a friend who started dating somebody with borderline personality. She was a cutter, on meds, therapy. My friend is super patient. they met 6 years ago I think and they are married now. No more cutting and no more meds. Every now and then the start of a tantrum over nothing but my friend has the ability to shut it down immediately.
So, for those who have the ability and patience - it may work. It doesn't for me.
I am sorry if that hit a nerve. I may still have PTSD from my last mentally ill person even though it has been 4 years. He left me drained and broken and I am still recovering.
I have a friend who started dating somebody with borderline personality. She was a cutter, on meds, therapy. My friend is super patient. they met 6 years ago I think and they are married now. No more cutting and no more meds. Every now and then the start of a tantrum over nothing but my friend has the ability to shut it down immediately.
So, for those who have the ability and patience - it may work. It doesn't for me.
Thing is...I do get where you're coming from.
I think I've got a form of PTSD from my Ex, too. There are a lot of times I've had to consciously release fear and expectation that my husband will react to something in the way that my ex would have, I still have memories that make me tense and sweat, a knot forming in my stomach, that keep me up at night.
We have EVERY right, to say, "I am not in a place to deal with this. Not now. Not in my foreseeable future." I guess that I am asking of you, and of me, and of those of us who have been hurt by mentally ill people, to take care to frame it as something we do for ourselves, that is not in judgment of others so much as in a spirit of caring for ourselves and honoring our own needs.
You know what? I decided at some point, too, that soldiers and veterans were not a good choice for me. That was also connected with my Ex. Does that mean that I have judged them as bad people, incurably broken people or incapable of a healthy relationship? Hell no. Not at all! But I'm just allowed to say no thanks, not in my life, not in my house.
We don't owe anybody a date, sex, a relationship, a chance, or the time of day.
I just stop well short of saying that they are not ever CAPABLE of finding a happy and healthy outcome. It's hard enough without me throwing that kind of shade at 'em. I even hope my ex finds his happily ever after. In a land far, far the heck away from me. lol
I think I've got a form of PTSD from my Ex, too. There are a lot of times I've had to consciously release fear and expectation that my husband will react to something in the way that my ex would have, I still have memories that make me tense and sweat, a knot forming in my stomach, that keep me up at night.
We have EVERY right, to say, "I am not in a place to deal with this. Not now. Not in my foreseeable future." I guess that I am asking of you, and of me, and of those of us who have been hurt by mentally ill people, to take care to frame it as something we do for ourselves, that is not in judgment of others so much as in a spirit of caring for ourselves and honoring our own needs.
You know what? I decided at some point, too, that soldiers and veterans were not a good choice for me. That was also connected with my Ex. Does that mean that I have judged them as bad people, incurably broken people or incapable of a healthy relationship? Hell no. Not at all! But I'm just allowed to say no thanks, not in my life, not in my house.
We don't owe anybody a date, sex, a relationship, a chance, or the time of day.
I just stop well short of saying that they are not ever CAPABLE of finding a happy and healthy outcome. It's hard enough without me throwing that kind of shade at 'em. I even hope my ex finds his happily ever after. In a land far, far the heck away from me. lol
Can't rep you but I would.
I still expect my dates to throw tantrums over certain things I say or do that they may not like. And get instantly defensive and wait for the outburst. And there are none.
I may get less judgmental once my healing progresses.
I am sorry if that hit a nerve. I may still have PTSD from my last mentally ill person even though it has been 4 years. He left me drained and broken and I am still recovering.
I have a friend who started dating somebody with borderline personality. She was a cutter, on meds, therapy. My friend is super patient. they met 6 years ago I think and they are married now. No more cutting and no more meds. Every now and then the start of a tantrum over nothing but my friend has the ability to shut it down immediately.
So, for those who have the ability and patience - it may work. It doesn't for me.
Quote:
Originally Posted by oh-eve
Can't rep you but I would.
I still expect my dates to throw tantrums over certain things I say or do that they may not like. And get instantly defensive and wait for the outburst. And there are none.
I may get less judgmental once my healing progresses.
Let me get this straight. You suspect you have PTSD, which is a mental illness, and yet you expect the worst of others who also have mental illness and call it drama?
Is it "drama" when you "get instantly defensive?" No, right?
If you suspect you have you have PTSD, then I hope you seek counseling. Only a clinician can diagnose that.
By the way, for everyone, I do think people toss the term "PTSD" around a lot without realizing all the criteria that are required for a diagnosis.
The first is exposure to actual or threatened death, serious injury, or sexual violence. Unless a partner has threatened to kill you for disagreeing with him, merely yelling at you or throwing a tantrum does not meet the criteria. A partner yelling at you is verbal abuse, but expecting other partners to have an outburst and tantrums based on what a past partner did is not PTSD. It's conditioning. There is a difference.
You can check your chances of receiving a diagnosis of PTSD here.
P.S. Watch out for stones if you live in a glass house.
I am sorry if that hit a nerve. I may still have PTSD from my last mentally ill person even though it has been 4 years. He left me drained and broken and I am still recovering.
I have a friend who started dating somebody with borderline personality. She was a cutter, on meds, therapy. My friend is super patient. they met 6 years ago I think and they are married now. No more cutting and no more meds. Every now and then the start of a tantrum over nothing but my friend has the ability to shut it down immediately.
So, for those who have the ability and patience - it may work. It doesn't for me.
I get wanting to draw strong clear boundaries with people who have trampled all over them repeatedly.
When I first heard read about hybristophilia, that one really frustrated me too. Mass murders get groupies why not me?
But later I learned that you really don't want to try to appeal to every woman, you want to dominate your own niche.
With you, I would encourage you to figure out your niche and then own that. Who is kidding who, the women into serial killers instead of you is you dodging a bullet. As for finding a niche spend more time with real women in the real world. Of the activities you like doing , look for the activities that also appeal to the most women and try there. Also spend some time volunteering for some cause you believe in. Women generally volunteer more than men do and the women who do volunteer tend be be much cooler than the ones who don't. Do that until you feel like you have exhausted those opportunities and then try something else.
And yet my narcissistic former friend is married, to a man who clearly has to step around all her many issues, he must find her other qualities to be worth it.
But later I learned that you really don't want to try to appeal to every woman, you want to dominate your own niche.
With you, I would encourage you to figure out your niche and then own that. Who is kidding who, the women into serial killers instead of you is you dodging a bullet. As for finding a niche spend more time with real women in the real world. Of the activities you like doing , look for the activities that also appeal to the most women and try there. Also spend some time volunteering for some cause you believe in. Women generally volunteer more than men do and the women who do volunteer tend be be much cooler than the ones who don't. Do that until you feel like you have exhausted those opportunities and then try something else.
By the way, for everyone, I do think people toss the term "PTSD" around a lot without realizing all the criteria that are required for a diagnosis.
The first is exposure to actual or threatened death, serious injury, or sexual violence.
Or witnessing such. I think your definition is too narrow.
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