Fantasizing about dying, but not actively suicidal (depressed, diet, psychiatrist)

[Soul Vice]

I’m sorry this is kinda long… thanks to anyone who reads it. TW: Suicide

I’ve been diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder, Anxiety, Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder, as well as seasonal depression. I also have complex PTSD from an abusive relationship. Let’s just say I don’t have the best mental health. I’ve struggled with Depression my whole life, and have had intense periods of suicidal ideation, usually triggered in combination of a big life event and or/my medications no longer working. In 2016, I came very close to ending my life.

I lost my lifelong best friend of 22 years in December of 2019. I have and will never feel the love and utter devotion towards anyone again like I did her. Never felt that way even for romantic partners. She was the love of my life, just not intimately. After her death, I spiraled. Those old feelings crept up on me again and I was having anxiety attacks, uncontrollable sobbing, etc. Recognizing the signs of a serious breakdown, I sought my psychiatrist who changed my meds and then the feelings subsided.

I don’t know what triggered it, but I’m spiraling again. I think it’s the grief. It’s almost been two years. I thought I was doing ok and then it hit me, just how ****ing empty I am. I lost two best friends in the course of one year, (one to death, and the second one I cut ties with because it was a toxic relationship and we will never speak again. While it’s good that she’s out of my life and I’m better off, it’s still weird.) I just feel this massive black hole inside me that just can’t be filled, no matter what I do or try. Distracting myself with friends, sex, hobbies. Nothing is helping, I feel so ****ing alone. I find living exhausting. I recently found out due to my ****ty genetics that I am incredibly prone to physical injury which REALLY gets in the way of the two active things I do (long distance backpacking and climbing) which are the only things that keep me sane and having something to look forward to. I Was recently injured and it crushed me. All of this at once is the perfect storm. I feel as if my meds aren’t doing their job anymore, I can barely get outta bed, my head is in a fog. I just don’t see much of a point in being here anymore.

The common theme with each bought of suicidal ideation I’ve had, thinking of ways to die and planning it out, as well as what I’d write as a note to each of my family members is what gives me peace. It’s the only thing I can think of and it’s the only thing that centers and calms me. I’m not actively planning to hurt myself but I can’t stop obsessively fantasizing about my killing myself.

I’m tired of having to deal with these episodes that happen every few years. It’s completely exhausting and draining. Does anyone else gain peace and clarity about thinking of killings themselves? I can’t talk to anyone about this because I don’t want to be institutionalized. That will literally ruin my life. Hence, me being anonymous here… how do you deal with intrusive thoughts of suicide?

[K12144]

You have been through a lot. Have you been working with your psychiatrist this time as well? If not, is that something you're willing/able to do? It's possible that your meds are no longer working for you and need to be changed.

[Ghobi]

I can see why you feel overwhelmed. Everybody needs support and you had major losses, disappointments, naturally feel devastated. I am sorry about all that you’ve been through and are going through. Grief changes one’s view of life. It’s like you have to think about the meaning of life and come up with a new concept. Do you have any family you get along with tolerably, stay in touch. And are you seeing a therapist? Video chats? I knew someone on a med that wasn’t working and it made him more depressed, hope you can check that.

I’ve had the ideation, ptsd, ongoing depression which would hit a crisis every few years up through my 30s, but it was mainly teens and 20s. Things got progressively less difficult as I’ve aged and prioritized doing things I want to do, reducing stress, improving my health, well being, cutting out toxic influences. Exercise, healthy diet and sleep, therapy are very key to just getting by. I don’t see a therapist for a while now nor do I have a lot of people I stay in touch other than family, but it’s ok for me right now. As I’ve says getting older has lessened the crises I used to have. I’ve just learned more ways to adapt. I hope you can be well now despite the difficulties, and wait for conditions to improve. Be gentle with yourself, hope things get better little by little and please stay in touch.

[victimofGM]

You’re not alone. I have Aspergers (diagnosed at age 42), depression, & PTSD from things experienced during my 8 years in the Navy. Went through counseling for PTSD, diagnosed with Aspergers, and received a combination of counseling and medication. Wife was the judgement on how well the medication was working and I listened to her on if I needed to change the medication or make adjustments. Included an anti-anxiety medication and it has helped. Thoughts of suicide are now background noise but I do find myself occasionally hoping I’ll fall asleep and never wake up. Watch plenty of Japanese Anime and occasionally fantasize I’ll be hit by a truck (truck-kun) and awaken in another world with all my physical and mental problems completely gone and starting over in another world.