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Originally Posted by briskwheel View Post
I talk to her on the phone about once per week and it always turns into a 2hr phone call because she's venting to me about how terrible her life is and how depressed she is. Complaining about my brother, complaining about her house, complaining about her therapist, complaining about her dentist. Nothing ever positive. The conversation is entirely dominated by her and how sad her life is.
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why are you calling her once per week?
may be you just like to hear her complaints?
Let her sort her life out,if she does not like her dentist,find another one she likes,if she does not like your brother,house,therapist then do something about it,some folks just like to complain .
Children of European royal families are brought up not to annoy adults by constant whining ,it sounds like your mother's mother fail to do so
I believe that talking with folks who are experiencing similar situations may help us find useful ideas, suggestions and resources we might use to help our loved ones. The National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) is a wonderful resource offering advice and support to people like yourself and I recommend it highly. I've included a link to their national website and from there, you may be able to find a local branch. I wish you only the best.
OP You probably could persuade her to rent out her 3-bedrooom house, and use that rent income to service her stay at a private senior home.
I came across a couple of old widows on antidepressant pills, they both nearly burned down their apartments, leaving the stoves on while they went to the mall gallivanting or shopping groceries.
From your opening post, she may not be that severely affected - just lonely and craving a listener. So, please ignore the above. Some are just untidy by nature, too late to change that now.
Quote:
Originally Posted by briskwheel
I talk to her on the phone about once per week and it always turns into a 2hr phone call because she's venting to me about how terrible her life is and how depressed she is. Complaining about my brother, complaining about her house, complaining about her therapist, complaining about her dentist. Nothing ever positive. The conversation is entirely dominated by her and how sad her life is.
My mother is the same way, maybe not as clinically depressed but older. It's important not to let this ^^^ get you down. They are not going to change, they actually feel empowered and at their best when complaining, moaning and raging against the world or against their bad luck (mine's been quite lucky).
I think it's best to develop a callus of quiet contempt toward them rather than taking the negative, toxic ride with them all the time. If not, your own long-term "happiness" will be compromised, perhaps daily. You've got more time left than she does and you have not dropped the ball.
You can still love and support her while thinking she is wrong, wacked, selfish, rude, etc.
Thanks for posting this reminder that they don't change.
My dad is similar. He loves to ***** and complain and act like a victim. It's definitely best to not get baited into an argument. It can be difficult to keep oneself from getting pulled into the quicksand.
She calls me most of the time, but regardless, I care about her well being and want to make sure she's doing well. She doesn't really have anyone to talk to.
Is it the meds? Would she be willing to go to another doctor and get a second opinion on her current meds situation? Maybe try some different type of medicine?
Here's a great video, from Dr. Ken Berry, on precisely that subject: https://rumble.com/vufsxf-modern-med...ypharmacy.html Combined with the advice below, and also the suggestion about sunshine and Vitamin D, I'm thinking your mother's situation could improve, dramatically.
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Originally Posted by farm fatale
If you convince your mom to drastically cut her carbohydrates from her diet, she will get much much better. Mentally.
Take care.
Maybe this video will help. Dr. Berry is talking to Dr. Georgia Ede, about diet and the brain. Both of them have markedly improved their own mental health, with ketogenic (very-low-carbohydrate) foodways.
What on earth do European royal family upbringings have to do with this? IIRC the OP didn't claim her mother was related to any royals!
It is rude to constantly complaining about one's life to others,we all have issues of our own,we dont need MORE!
Her mother is still young in her early 60s and know enough to go shopping,prepare her own meal and see a dentist and managing her finance,she just does not care to clean her house,and live in a pigsty,who would want to be her friend and visit her?
The time she spent complaining,she could pick up a broomstick and go to work !
The last time I spoke with her on the phone, I couldn't take it anymore. It has been years of this and she hasn't gotten better, but worse. I told her "Mom, you have a 3br house all to yourself that is paid off. You have a car that is paid off. You have your physical health. You have healthy happy successful children. Uncle Jack literally lost his leg in Vietnam and doesn't mope around the house like you do. You can do better, I know it." and she started crying and hung up the phone.
So many of us should be so lucky. I wonder how she would feel if she were not so fortunate. She would either flounder or snap out of it. No telling what she would end up doing.
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Originally Posted by Zoisite
Very often patients don't tell their doctors or therapists the truth about what their real life conditions are like and how they are living.
There have been times with certain relatives in similar situations as you describe I've made contact with other people who have some official authority to do or request interventions from the right people where necessary, particularly if the relative in question poses a serious risk to their own life or to the lives of other people.
I have done that by sending very detailed letters to the relatives' family doctors and their psychiatrists/mental health therapists or community health care services (with cc's to each other so they are all on the same page with the information they get) and in one case I also contacted the local police and social services. In each letter I have listed the names/addresses of all the people who are getting copies of the same letter so they all know who the recipients are.
The letters are not to make demands. They have been serious reports to let those officials KNOW exactly what kinds of bad things or dangers have been happening with the relatives in distress.
I did that with my ex-bf's aunt and mother who are of advanced age, both compromised mentally, it did no good. At least there is a paper trail. Elder Services in New Mexico sucks, for starters. It is what it is, I did what I could. My ex appreciated it because he didn't know where to start. Both of these women are like my current friend. They live alone and it is very likely that something will happen and they won't be found for days. They are difficult, so my ex doesn't have frequent contact with them, even though they live on the same road.
OP, I don't think there is anything you can do to help her. It is what it is. You can listen to a point, and then hang up when you've had enough, letting her know you will only listen for so long.
I go through things the same as your Mom. There is nothing you personally can do about her condition. She is getting pro help and medication but you may be able to help her by consulting with her doctor and pointing out how she is doing. Doc would have more information of her regular day. Perhaps he will adjust her meds or prescribe another type. To help you deal with it, dig for a lot of information about the disease. Buy some books about it.
If you were helping me get through these times I'd like you to clean up my house and bring some of my fave food with you and do a little laundry. When you start cleaning and picking up on a regular basis it will eventually stay neat for longer and not as much work each time. Don't be disappointed if I don't dig into it the food right away, I'll heat it up later on. I will feel guilty for asking you to do these things for me feeling I don't deserve it.
That is what I did for my friend last week. I felt right about doing it. I wouldn't have done it if I didn't want to. I imagine it might take a couple weeks or a month to get back to the terrible state in which I found it. That's why I will check with her next week and feel it out. The issue is she doesn't like to do it - not that she can't. That's why I would accept payment, since she did offer.
I've had the misfortune to deal with messies and hoarders at various times in my life. It is never fun. That is one thing I so appreciated about my mentally ill mother. She loved a clean house and loved to clean. I think it was therapy for her. I know it is therapy for me. When my kids were really little and I was so busy, the only time my kitchen floor got cleaned was when I was furious about something! That's how I discovered that leaving a certain solution on it for an hour could finally make all the dirty waxy gunk from the previous owner go bye-bye.
Does anyone think that having cleaning help would improve severe depression? I don't know. From my experience, messies like their mess. It doesn't bother them, which blows my mind.
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What on earth do European royal family upbringings have to do with this? IIRC the OP didn't claim her mother was related to any royals!
